November 2017

Cuffing Season

Jake: average-looking boy in mid-tier frat with personality the size of my personal space on the 4:00 pm C1 bus
Kelly: girl who is #wokeaf yet is oddly attracted to Jake’s mediocrity
Samantha: Kelly’s friend whose advice is sometimes (always) too honest


Scene One

Kelly wakes up on November first and sees a calendar reminder on her phone. Notification reads: “It’s Cuffing Szn, Bitches”

Kelly: Looks like it’s that time of year again. Better get my shit together and find yet another mediocre-looking frat boy to entertain me (warm my emotionless heart) for the next two months.

Samantha (from the next room over): Bitch, I can hear you. It’s already fucking 10:30, the school’s most eligible bois are being cuffed up by the minute. Hurry up and let’s get on the C1 loser—we’re going cuffing.

Scene Two

Jake walks by Kelly and Samantha’s table in BC Plaza. Jake is overheard lamenting Pi Kapp’s drop in the rankings.

Jake (to other nondescript white guy): Dude,  we all wear more Polo quarter zips, we’ll probably go up in the rankings. Pike better fucking watch out.

Kelly (to Samantha): Should I ironically snap Jake telling him that he looks good in his quarter zip today?

Samantha: Honestly, he’ll probably open it and not respond. But if you do, add the winky-face emoji, the thirsty-face emoji, and a couple eggplants for good measure. Also, ask him if he’s going to Shooters tonight.

Kelly sends said snapchat minus suggestive emojis. Jake, after opening said snapchat 37 minutes later, is satisfied that Kelly likes his quarter zip. He responds to the Shooters question with a “yeah r u ?” Kelly decides to keep things ~mysterious~ and replied with an “idk.”


Scene Three

Kelly, Samantha, and squad roll into Shooters looking tastefully thotty and get to dancing. Jake and Pi Kapp squad roll in and stand at the edge of the dance floor because they are physically incapable of dancing in a non-awkward way. Kelly finds this cringey but decides to walk up to Jake anyways. “Love is about compromise,” she tells herself. After several failed attempts at starting a conversation with Jake (he’s a Pi Kapp, remember?), Kelly gives up and pulls Jake onto the dance floor. Jake is visibly uncomfortable.

Jake: Do you want a drink?

Kelly: No

Jake: What’s your last name again?

Kelly: Why does it fucking matter?

Jake: Do you wanna DFMO?

Samantha (after overhearing): It’s Cuffing Szn, bitch. Of course she wants to.

DFMO ensues.


Scene Four

Two weeks go by without any communication between Kelly and Jake. One day, Jake snapchats Kelly and invites her to his Pi Kapp Shackle. Kelly didn’t even know that Pi Kapp had shackles, but agrees to go anyways. Kelly and Jake awkwardly meet up at section and grab their champagne bottle. Kelly grabs the handcuffs and has a realization.  Faster than a white girl blacks out at a barn party, Kelly locks the handcuff on Jake, cuffing him to her. She says four words.

Kelly: It’s cuffing season, bitches.

She has won.

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