January 2022

The Struggles of a Wealthy Student at Duke

  • They don’t let my servant pick up my food for me.
  • Someone always takes the Tesla Supercharger before me.
  • I have to wait 3 hours before my movers finish moving my stuff.
  • The Wi-Fi cuts out when I board the C1. At least my 6G works.
  • The Panera (or whatever you people call it) doesn’t offer Bagel Tuesday.
  • I don’t get my own bathroom in the dormitories (do people actually call them “dorms”?)
  • The professor doesn’t give me the answer key even after my father funded his lab.
  • Calling Duke HRL is nothing like the room service back home.
  • For some reason, growth on my Instagram fanpage has plateaued.
  • The dishwasher I brought to my room doesn’t work efficiently. He said he doesn’t respond well to pressure.
  • The housekeeping staff give me weird looks when I give them my trash bags
  • All the clothing stores in Durham are too poor
  • TA’s don’t like to be referred to as tutors
  • The Lobby Shop doesn’t carry the good makeup
  • The crepes here are a 2/5 at best. Nothing compared to the ones from France.
  • Filet mignon? Please, you might as well have served me a leather shoe. At least the polish on my Guccis has some flavor in it.
  • The LSRC is too farrr. And Uber XLs take too long.
  • My tuition doesn’t feel high enough to match the prestige of Duke.

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