January 2022

The Dilemma of Mathematicians: DTF or Not?

Today, a team of mathematicians at Duke University has uploaded a preprint to outlining the “Differential Tinder Function” (DTF). DTF claims to, given descriptions of a person, yield an absolute limit on the number of Tinder dates that person can have in the rest of their life.

DTF(u), where u is a person, uses innovative methods from machine learning, combinatorics, and differential geometry to make its predictions. While the data used to derive DTF(u) was drawn from Tinder, Laurie Ipsom, a graduate student working on the project, says the general principles should apply to most dating apps, perhaps with slight variations. When asked whether DTF applied to real life, Ipsom gave a blank stare and went back to scribbling on the chalkboard.

However, DTF may be much more important than what that graduate student made it out to be. Miraculously, the same team made further discoveries linking DTF to a special unsolved case of the Riemann zeta function. To this end, the American Mathematical Society has provided a $1,000 prize for solving this case and has encouraged all mathematicians to “research the DTF vigorously.”

While already available as a preprint, the paper is awaiting formal review from the Journal of Combinatorial Optimization. Department Of has learned that the Duke Mathematical Journal refused to print the piece, after Reviewer 2 referred to it as “a mass of utter nonsense, including personal attacks on me and — er, mainly my other colleagues.” However, if it were approved, the paper would have massive implications on the state of online dating. Primarily, the maximality constraint would confirm that the maximum number of Tinder dates a person can get is fixed at 2048.

Upon initial review, researchers at Princeton University commended Duke for creating a large-class predictor applicable to large-scale networks such as college campuses and charter schools. However, they claim Duke’s algorithm is simply not robust enough.

“While the DTF has plenty of potential to demonstrate one’s capacity for relationships, it’s clear that the bounds predicted by DTF are far higher than the observed number of dates through our experiments,” said Princeton researcher Laurence Killjoy.

“One of our test subjects, Kevin, upon learning his DTF value, thought his dating life would be more exciting than it actually was. He thought he would get 72 dates, when he actually got 7.2 (the 0.2 was from a girl that canceled on her way to the date due to her aunt’s dog’s half birthday. At least, that’s what she told Kevin.). Millions of lone romantics like Kevin could suffer upon learning an unrealistic value.”

Upon reading the paper, Duke math student and certified horndog Jake Mauri has attempted to prove science wrong by testing the DTF’s limit. “I’ve been on Tinder since 2015 and I don’t plan to stop now. If there’s anything my parents taught me, it’s to be an example for others. Well, I’ve never really listened to my parents. I know we need only one counterexample to disprove the DTF, and I’m going to be that counterexample.” Upon visiting Mauri’s dorm, we found his room to be covered in vending machine condom wrappers and a fully-marked 2022 calendar with his plan to date 500 people before January 2023. Now that’s a real New Year’s resolution.

The stage has been set for what could be one of the most shocking discoveries of the 21st century. But as Jake Mauri so eloquently put it: why don’t you discover some bitches, bro?

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