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January 2022

CDC Issues Correction: COVID Cases Graph is Actually Dr. Fauci’s Heart Monitor Reading

WASHINGTON, DC – Doctors and medical staff all over the country are upset over the latest discovery that the most recent graph of COVID-19 cases published by the CDC wasn’t generated using the number of cases of COVID-19 over the past 14 days. Rather, it was based on data from Dr. Anthony Fauci’s Apple Watch, which was tracking his heart rate.

The discovery was made last week when Dr. Fauci announced he would be slightly late to work because of his morning jog. An intern noticed that immediately after this announcement, the COVID-19 cases were rising like never before. “At first, I thought this would be another spike from our testing numbers, but this was too much even by the most catastrophic estimates.” After bringing this up, CDC members scoffed at the intern. When do interns ever know what they’re doing? Our intern surely doesn’t.

However, this trend continued again the next day when Dr. Fauci texted the group that he’d be leaving work slightly early to get some reps in. The intern noticed again that as Dr. Fauci left for his CrossFit™ class, the number of COVID cases went through the roof. “What could possibly be causing this mass spike?,” the intern thought. A concert? Black Friday? Another mass shortage of toilet paper? No – none of that had gone trending on Twitter, so it had to be something else.

When he was eventually confronted by the intern, Dr. Fauci said he couldn’t hide it any longer and took off his shirt in dramatic fashion, revealing his abs. “I’ve gotta come clean with you,” he told the intern. “When you’re trying to beat one of the world’s most infectious diseases, you have to be in top performance, both mentally and physically.” I mean, he was nominated for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for a reason, people.

The intern cried out “But what about the people that need you here to spread information?” Dr. Fauci put on his Ray-Bans and said “Son, we aren’t going to spread the word and prevent the spread of COVID unless we get ready to fight those who are spreading it in the first place.” Dr. Fauci then got ready to do a dramatic exit. “No one said I couldn’t kick both COVID-19 and anti-vaxxers in the ass. So I’m gonna go kick some ass.” He then proceeded to jump out the second floor window and land in his Ferrari, after which he drove away into the sunset. Dr. Fauci is now on the road ready to fight anti-vaxxers, starting with former WWE commentator and current podcast host Joe Rogan in a fight next month. The winner will be crowned “Big Shot” and the loser will read off information from his opponent on their respective news source. The CDC intern who first reported this story has quit his job to follow Dr. Fauci as he takes on unvaccinated Americans like a true goddamn American.

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