February 2022

Dept. Of’s Incomplete Guide to Resolving Roommate Tension

  • Introduce yourself when you first meet your roommate. This won’t guarantee the lifelong friendship that QuadEx promises as an unattainable ideal, but it will guarantee at least a basic acknowledgement of each other as strangers sleeping in the same room without wanting to murder each other.
  • On move-in day, try to hang out with your roommate. It’s either that or your roommate already has pre-orientation friends like 70% of your class and you’re pretty much fucked.
  • Ask each other about your sleep schedules. Actually, no need because you’ll discover it when you both end up waking up at the same time anyway.
  • If your roommate has food, please ask if you can eat it before sneaking a bite when they go to the bathroom. You’d think this one was obvious, but if there is anything college has taught me, it’s to lower my expectations…
  • Settle on whether you’re going to keep the door locked or not. Then, if one day the door is magically locked after you settled on it always being unlocked, you’ll know your roommate got some action before you did. Have fun asking your nonexistent friends for a place to crash! Or try the common room couch!
  • Have a conversation with your roommate every now and then. It’ll be a nice reminder that the ogre who dirties half the room actually has a name.
  • If you’re going to listen to music out loud, please ask your roommate if that’s okay. No one wants to hear the fucking lofi hip-hop study girl when they’re done studying.
  • If you lose something, don’t immediately blame your roommate for stealing. The more likely explanation is that you from the past was just being an idiot and you from the future will have to profusely apologize for accusing your roommate.
  • You can ask your roommate what clubs they’re in, but then you run the risk of hearing about their weird, niche interests for the next 30 minutes. Or worse, they’re in Department Of and you suddenly realize you’re the less-funny roommate.

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