April Fools 2022

How to Protect Yourself from Pollen

April Fools! It’s pollen season! I wish I was joking about that, but I’m not. Pollen season at Duke gets intense – even the BC tables get covered in the stuff. One day you’re trying to golf in your brand new green polo shirt and the next you’re sneezing all over your Gucci handkerchief. But have no fear! Our resident allergy expert has some tips to avoid the achoos this spring. The only blessing anyone’s going to do is towards the other basic bitches that need it.

  • Face masks – I know, I know, the pandemic is over (at least according to the CDC until the next variant appears), but whether cloth, KN95, or BTS-themed, face masks will keep pollen out of your nose whether you’re walking outside or playing Spikeball. It also serves as a layer of protection in the unlikely event someone smashes your face with said Spikeball.
  • Panera Coffee – did you know that when you drink Panera Coffee, it reduces your susceptibility to allergies? This phenomenon is known as the Secondary Unilateral Sass (SUS) effect – whenever you ingest caffeine, sugar, and whipped cream, your natural “sass” increases and pollen avoids your body since it can’t handle your passive-aggressive energy.
  • Nature is your enemy – As you know, pollen is produced by plants. So make sure you’re keeping your plants in order. Mow them, shear them, burn them in a bonfire. Whichever method you choose, remind Mother Nature that you’re in charge.
  • Medicine – Whether you choose Claritin, Zyrtec, or the good shit that your premed friend has, sometimes you must rely on a couple of pills to get through the day. If you’re in doubt if you’re taking too much, rely on the 3-2-1 rule per day. 3 ibuprofen for your headaches/pain/whatever college students feel, 2 prescriptions that you actually need to get through the day, and 1 free recreational drug of your choice. Have fun!
  • Drink plenty of fluids – Your body is 70% water. Why not feed it what it needs? Let’s be honest, you’re probably dehydrated. So get yourself a bottle of water to filter out that pollen. Or some White Claw. It’s pretty much flavored water that’s been left outside for 180 days. Or how about some vodka too? I’m in denial and I think it’s still spring break.
  • Don’t go outside – hey, it’s what I’ve been doing since March 2020, and it’s worked just fine.

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