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Department Of’s Choice Face Masks
Duke to Hold Class of 2020 Commencement with Roughly 1500 Blue Devil Fish in Place of Students
“’Scoot to SocSci? Not so fast,’ Duke says,” Chronicle says
As you may have seen recently, people have been getting mighty creative with how to seek attention – I mean pass the time – on their Instagram stories. To keep up the good fun during our quarantines, Dept. Of has compiled this list of Instagram stories you should try and tag your friends on!
Fruit-infused Mask: Full of antioxidants, anti-germ vibes!
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DURHAM, N.C. Since campus was closed just about two months ago, many students were worried about their belongings, relocating to a new home, and being forced to get along with their siblings, but virtually all felt sad most for the Class of 2020, which would be denied a proper graduation ceremony and a last chance to grind on strangers at Shooters. However, while the university is preventing students from meeting in-person in order to flatten the curve (and because public health experts kept telling them to do so, which they realized a little too late), they have come up with a clever alternative to the traditional approach of graduation: celebrate the outgoing class of Blue Devils with their very own Blue Devil fish.
Believe it or not, (Paraplesiops bleekeri) is known as the eastern blue devil. It grows up to 40 centimeters wide, is native to Australia, and is soon to be the symbolic mascot for our students. “We thought it was the best gesture possible for our students, ” says Patricia Fream, current Chairwoman of the Office of University Ceremonies and Other Fun Expensive Blowouts. “While we can’t bring them here, we wanted to let them know that wherever they are, they will always be blue devils in our hearts. We hope this gesture will let them know that their presence in this school swims through all the grief and uncertainty we face as a community.”
Questions have emerged about the feasibility of this plan, however, the university remains committed to its plan and has announced that they have already moved forward with it. “Now that we’re laying off our workers, obtaining the funds for the Blue Devil fish was easy,” says Wendell Wetters, current President of Duke’s Branch of Aquatic Affairs. “The Australian government said no initially, cause it’s a protected species or whatever, but we had the funds and also promised them some lemurs from the Lemur Center.” When we asked how much was put into this investment, we were declined an answer, but we subsequently analyzed that tuition was raised just recently again by 5%, which we hypothesize was to cover the cost of these not-for-sale fish with the Australian government.
However, there is so much that contract negotiations can do in getting you a native species from halfway across the globe. Through the Australian government, they were only allowed access to 1200 fish. So the Marine Lab staff at Beaufort, N.C., has been tasked with conducting a fishing scheme to obtain the remaining 300 fish they need to represent the rest of the class. They begin their venture to Australia later this week. When we asked Marine Lab Captain Horatio Crunch [who, yes, was named exactly after the iconic cereal mascot] about how he felt about the voyage and how it would impact local wildlife, he preferred to focus on the journey instead. “I’m letting the wind carry me wherever it blows. The sea is calling me. Let me be one with the ocean. Oh yeah, and those seniors deserve their blue devil fish.”
During the actual commencement itself, each student will be able to join alongside their fish via a Zoom call. All the devices currently in Duke OIT’s lockup are being lent to this cause, giving each student the ability to make their own connection and come one step closer to the experience of sitting in a barren football stadium while barely being able to hear anyone, except better, because they’re not sitting out in the sun. In a trial run, many have expressed complaints with poor visibility and with some devices electrocuting the test fish, but OIT plans to resolve these as soon as possible through their newly formed Fishy Situation Task Force. And don’t worry – the entire thing will be livestreamed for the whole audience – if Duke’s Wi-Fi somehow manages to hold up.
After the commencement is over, Duke plans to mail out one fish to each student to look after, each being placed with tender care in their very own plastic bag, Finding Nemo style. And we trust that as in the past, Duke will follow proper mailing procedures. Duke has made it clear that each graduating senior should buy a fish tank, food, and other supplies to take care of said fish as soon as they are able to.
Sushi restaurant Gyotaku expressed their deepest discontent with the university’s alternative plan for commencement, writing to us that “we could have made sashimi for a year with the amount of fish that Duke is importing, we really wish they would have given the fish to us to turn into sushi burritos.”
In contrast, graduating biology major Lilly Kant was rather pleased with the decision. “I’ve loved animals all my life. But every time in bio lab I was just poking at dead things and making obscure measurements. At the end of the day, I just wanted to take care of an actual pet instead of writing about its organs, and Duke finally listened.”
We also reached out to commencement speaker Ken Jeong, who replied to us in an email giving the university an A plus from Senor Chang himself. Quote: “This blows every expectation I had for my alma mater out of the water – do I get my own fish?” Ken’s request is being fulfilled and the Marine Lab is making sure to grab an extra fish while in Australia.
With initial mixed reactions, it is unclear whether or not this plan will give the outgoing class some satisfaction in the midst of all that’s happened. However, we can guarantee for sure that someone from the Chronicle is definitely to complain about this in their op-ed. Virtual commencement is to be held sometime by late May. Congratulations to the Class of 2020, and expect your very own blue devil fish along with your diploma in the mail come this June.
Formal complaint left at President Price’s Doorstep in September:
In a most roundabout way we’ve finally come full circle. Five years ago I was just some measly 4th grader kicking cans, huffing ink and riding Razor scooters around and atop my stepdad’s burial plot. But now that I’ve finally put the kibosh on such inconvenient habits, in comes Durham with these shiny new electric scooters that have me desperately picking at the dry scabs on my chafed inner thighs and in the creases of my oily neck rolls, jonesing for a waft from a fresh pack of fine point indelible Sharpies. And I’m absolutely certain that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Nor am I the only one that demands Duke add more restrictions to who and what can commandeer these two-wheeled conveyances to delinquency. You only have to be sixteen with a driver’s license to ride on these things? At 16, I was at least 5 feet tall and binge-watching Adult Swim off uTorrent — now just imagine how dangerous I could’ve been if my bitch mom didn’t throw out my Razor scooter after I missed my 8:25 PM curfew by a couple of days. Yield to pedestrians? Pfft — when I hop on a shiny Raz’ post-crushing 4 Glacier Ice Monster energy drinks after my mom scolds me for not going to Gerald’s funeral, I make a conscious effort to make damn sure pedestrians yield to my rage-filled 360-degree tail whips. Like, come on, he wasn’t even my dad! You know what? Fuck this, it’s not even worth arguing with you — you’ll all see what I mean soon enough.