New Construction

Dear President Brodhead,

It is crucial that we build a giant glass box around the chapel. Let me explain.

You know I do good work. Vondy? Me. The Louvre? Me. Glass-Steagall? That was me. Students stop and stare when they pass my works on campus. No, they’re not checking if the Penn pavilion is actually open – they’re admiring the beauty of the window panes and the majesty of its cubic shape. They’re thinking “this is why I came to Duke”.

There’s too much gothic architecture around campus. It’s scary and spooky and prospective students will probably think there are ghosts that live in these buildings. That’s no good for the school. There are no ghosts. The chapel, the iconic symbol of this great institution, is outdated. It’s cobwebby, it’s boring, and it needs more glass.

There are obvious merits to putting the chapel in one or more cases of glass. Would it put a modern face on our trademark gothic architecture? Yes. Would it make it look like Sauron turned his tower into an Apple Store? Sure. Would it kill like a thousand birds a day? Probably.

Why stop there? There’s no limit to the amount of boxes we could build. Think Russian dolls, except of course glass boxes around the chapel. We could ask Rubenstein for funding – he’s into artsy stuff like that.

The project would take a year or more, but we could tell the student body it’d be ready this month. And you know what they say about people who live in glass houses, right? I think it goes something like “people who live in glass houses have a higher U.S. News ranking than last year”. Why do you think we’re below MIT? Anyways, let me know when I can build this baby.

Head Architect
Duke Department Of Campus Beautification

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