An Airbnb Listing

Airbnb: United States of America
Host: U.S. Government

About this listing
Spacious and convenient. Features history of democracy, citizenry founded by immigrants, wraparound porch. Beachfront property. Also desertfront, swampfront, and mountainfront property. 
Property type: Entire country/apt
States: Fifty
Stains upon history: Plenty
Bathrooms: Two hundred million
Lakes: Great
Accommodates: People, bison, guns

Kitchen: Fully stocked with burgers, pizza, whatever
Internet: Password is boehnerbabe007
Essentials: Available only to guests who are green card holders for at least 5 years immediately preceding the date of filing the Form N-400, Application for Naturalization. Must have lived within the state, or USCIS district with jurisdiction over the applicant’s place of residence, for at least 3 months prior to date of filing application
Cable TV: Available to all guests
Family friendly: N/A. If guest arrives with baby, baby will be be sent back to wherever it came from. “Wherever it came from” is in fact a uterus. Irrelevant to host.
Doorman: 20,000 Border Patrol agents
Official language: None, despite considerable confusion on the matter

Monthly price: Sense of dignity, claim to 14th amendment rights
Cleaning fee: Guests required to clean entire country for below minimum wage

The Space: 3.8 million square miles of diverse geography and scenery. Features hot tub
Neighborhood: Within walking distance to Starbucks from any point in nation

House Rules
*No establishment of a state religion
*No infringing upon freedom of speech
*No abridging the right of the people to peaceably assemble
*Guns are fine
*Guests only welcome when a newer and more exotic guest has attracted the negative attention of the host
*No smoking

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