A Confirmation Email

Dear Duke Freshman,

Thank you for choosing Delta!

Ready for your upcoming flight? You can save time and check in online! That way, you’ll avoid reconfirming your flights in person. You’ll be doing enough in- person greeting with students, RAs, people in Whole Foods that you mistake for students, frenzied squirrels, and various other groups of total strangers.

If you’d like to check a bag, it’s easy and fast online. Checking fees are $25 for the first bag and $500 for any additional bags. After all, you should only need one 50 pound bag to uproot your entire life and move it to Durham, NC. That bag should contain a shower caddy, XL twin bedding, a caddy for your shower caddies, binder clips, deodorant, and at least one T-shirt that indicates what sport you played in high school.

Don’t forget to pick up your luggage at the appropriate terminal of the arrival airport, where it should be floating in a giant, rotating sea of identical black suitcases dotted, every now and then, with what appears to be a pile of ferrets firmly held together by Saran wrap. If you have any questions during your traveling, feel free to take a look at our some of our FAQs:

·  “What’s the best way to get to my terminal?”
·  “Will I be overwhelmed by my classes?”
·  “How long has the man next to me on this plane gone without showering?”
· “Will I be underwhelmed by my classes?”
· “Can I keep these headphones, or is that technically stealing? Really? Not even if I already put them in my ears?”
· “Will I be nervous or excited? Will I be nervous and excited? How can one person feel two things at once? How can the winds of my heart wrestle so passionately with the rumbling waters of my mind?”
· “How long do I need to wait before I can fart in front of my roommate?”

We hope that your Delta travels go smoothly and without difficulty. But if any delay should occur in your flight, there’s really nothing we can do. Sorry. That said, you’ll have even more time to enjoy a single complementary peanut! So sit back, relax, and think about making awkward conversation with your new roommate while you unpack a microwave that you will only use for ramen, oatmeal, and, on one desperate occasion, both at the same time.

We recommend you arrive to the airport early to avoid unplanned delays. You may feel a paralyzing fear, but Delta Airlines is here for you. Remember, those upperclassmen are dumber than you, and they were accepted into Duke three years ago when it was way easier.

Feel free to call one of our customer service representatives for assistance– we can help! We can’t describe the feeling of working your ass off to study for an exam and then nailing it, and we certainly can’t describe the feeling of working your ass off to study for an exam and then failing it, only to find your roommate waiting for you with a Chipotle burrito and an awkward smile. But what we can do is offer you a meal on par with those of the Marketplace. We look forward to seeing you on board tomorrow, and thank you for choosing Delta. And Duke.

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