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September 2020

Your Handled items: where are they now?

Department Of’s theories as to the who/what/when/why/why of (mis)Handled.

Duke is furnishing an underground bunker for Larry Moneta and Tallman Trask

You thought Larry Moneta left Duke? Wrong. In the age of cancel culture, Duke is in the process of refurbishing an underground bunker for their admin members who are a bit more on the racist side. Your Target futon will keep Tallman Trask comfortable as he voices his opinions on BLM in his soundproof chamber. They couldn’t force him into retirement and he was tainting Duke’s image, so they’re waiting to release him until he’s old enough for them to blame his racism on senility.  

Panhel and IFC Lost and Found

In their latest effort for reform, Panhel and IFC seized a variety of items for Handled to be used as a lost and found. Anna Oberlin, the Panhel representative leading the project, explains, “Yeah, it’s targeted at the low-income members of our sororities. We want them to fit in, so they can pick up a pair of Golden Goose Superstars or other abandoned luxury sneakers—no questions asked. It’s literally such a steal.” Robby de Graaf, IFC rep, added: “I think it’s such a good way to give back. Like, yeah, Handled took a bunch of my clothes because I was too lazy to claim them, but I can just buy new stuff!”

Admin misunderstood student calls to redistribute wealth

Just in case you still didn’t know, yes, Duke admin does monitor social media. They’re “very aware” of the meme group and they’re known to occasionally lurk on Twitter. After Mary Pat McMahon informed him that students were demanding Duke to “redistribute wealth” and “seize the means of production,” Joe Gonzalez decided to do exactly that. But Dean Joe thought redistribution of wealth meant taking all of your valuables and dropping them off at Goodwill. B+ for trying?

Sold items to fund DUPD

Duke stole all your valuables (and your worthless shit too) and sold them on Facebook Marketplace to be able to keep funding DUPD and invest more in fossil fuels. They steal your stuff → you file a police report → we all keep DUPD afloat.

Duke wanted to “support local businesses”

In an effort to support small businesses, Duke entrusted all of its students’ belongings to a seven-month-old company with months of one-star reviews. Turns out Handled is neither local nor small, but gross in size and in incompetence. 

Handled “Marie Kondo-ed” your room

Were your items really “essential”? As part of training, all Handled employees watched Marie Kondo’s Netflix special and were trained in the art of minimalism. Thus, as they carefully pondered each of your items, contemplating whether they’d end up in your box, your roommate’s box, a box across the quad, in the trash, or in their own pocket, they asked, “Does this spark joy?”*

*If the answer to them was a resounding “yes,” they pocketed it. 

2Hot2Handle(ed): Handled as a matchmaking service

Your valuables were meant to be as far away from you as possible! Handled shipped them to someone they think you and your airpods are meant to be with.

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