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September 2020

The Real Reasons Duke Dropped 3 Places in the USNWP College Rankings

If you’re like me and most other Duke students, all you care about is image. Your recent concerns may include, “Is my resume more impressive than my roommate’s?” “Did Emma from film class notice my new haircut and flannel last zoom class?” and, recently, “Why did Duke drop 3 places in the college rankings?”

For us Dukies, it’s by far the worst news of 2020. We dropped from the 9th best University in the country to the 12th. These inexplicable new rankings are putting our status as an elite school in jeopardy, since anything outside of the top 10 is mediocre at best. Can we still consider ourselves a fake Ivy if the only Ivies that we are ranked above are Dartmouth, Brown, and SUNY-Ithaca? Those are barely even Ivy League. And we’re ranked below goddamn Northwestern?! Who the fuck goes to Northwestern?! Their chapel is a third the size of ours! I could have gotten in there in my sleep!

Fortunately for you, the hard-hitting journalists from Department Of have uncovered the list of real reasons why U.S. News and World Report dropped us by three rankings. You’re welcome. 

 

  • Marketplace Dinners

 

The recent news confirms what we all already knew: Marketplace themed dinners are the backbone of the Duke undergraduate experience. There is no better meal on campus than Marketplace Thanksgiving. I’ll say that again for the people in the back. Marketplace Thanksgiving is the. Best. Meal. Of. The. Year. 

In another tragic blow, Coronavirus took all of these heavenly meals away from us. Not just Thanksgiving but also fall fest, March madness, and around-the-world. I’m gonna miss the hot apple cider most of all. U.S. News had no choice but to drop us several rankings when we lost these tremendous events. 

 

  • Tiktok Presence

 

The one thing that sets apart the top 11 universities on the list is their Tiktok clout. Many major Universities now have Tiktoks, and as cringeworthy as that sounds, they’re mostly run by Gen Z meme-lords who post relatable content. The top 11 universities all have over 100,000 followers on Tiktok, but Duke doesn’t even have 5000! Truly disappointing. Even worse, it doesn’t even seem like Duke’s account is trying to grow, they haven’t even gotten on the “You have to stop” trend. Here, we can copy Yale, when their University bursar did a blind duet reaction to a Jason Derulo video. Or we can do as Stanford did and film our quarterback doing the WAP dance. Chase Brice is lacking.

 

  • Losing Zion

 

Alright, this one’s not true, but references to Zion increase clicks by 82%.

 

  • PubPol major

 

As every Trinity student knows, PubPol is a fake department designed to be an easy, stress-free, athlete major and give STEM students easy A’s in their distribution requirements. Despite this being well-known among students and faculty, turns out the media and outside world are unaware. Or at least, they were unaware until someone SNITCHED to the press. Now, we’re not ones to name names, but suffice it to say Tanner J. (class of ’23) is cancelled. When U.S. News found out that over 200 students per year were graduating with a fake PubPol major, they immediately dropped us two rankings.  

 

  • Lack of Interest in Tenting

 

U.S. News has long given us extra points for the tenting process, a totally unique, incredible few months that gives our school more character and shows off our spirit. I mean, who wouldn’t want to get to grow close to a group of 11 other tentmates inside of a tight-knit community of tents on K-Ville? And getting into section 17 during the UNC game? That’s priceless. There are zero downsides. Still, for some reason, interest in tenting has fallen consistently every year, and U.S. News has taken notice. They know anyone who decided not to tent must be too dumb to go to a top 10 school. I mean, you’d have to be stupid not to tent. That’s right, I’m calling you stupid for not having tented last year. 

Oh, and also, we can’t tent because of Corona. 

 

  • Vincent Price

 

U.S. News googled “Vincent Price” to find information on our President, and they did not like what they saw. Our President shares his name with a famous, very old actor, and U.S. News just assumed that in 2017 we elected this long-dead, actor with no experience in higher education who is best known for his horror films. And let’s be real, no one liked House on Haunted Hill (1959). 

Interestingly, US News made a similar mistake when evaluating MIT, mistakenly assuming their president, L. Rafael Reif, is the father of Pamela Reif. But, of course, Pamela Reif is a queen whose workout videos are amazing, so this only helped MIT. 

 

  • Thom Tillis

 

Y’all, please vote this November. The fact that he’s still our Senator deserves to drop us more. 

 

  • Housing
  • Newly completed dorms like Trinity and Hollows? Positives! 
  • The fact that Jarvis somehow still exists? Negative. 
  • Robust RA and RC program with selected Faculty in Residence? Positives! 
  • Everyone is still waiting on their belongings from last Spring? Big negative. 
  • Integration of the WaDuke and Blue Light as housing options? Positive! 
  • Announcing that only first and second years get to live on campus in fall less than three weeks before classes start, effectively evicting upperclassmen from their planned residences and forcing them out of Durham? Oh.

            Oh no.

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