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September 2020

I Read the Duke Compact So You Don’t Have To

I know you didn’t read the terms and services of iOS 14 before agreeing to them—you were in a rush to add a photo widget of your dog to your homescreen. And I know you didn’t read the Duke Compact either. But I did. And just for you, dear readers, I’ve compiled a list of my findings (you can thank me later). 

  • Duke is tracking your location through the Wi-Fi. Even though you might not have a roommate this year that looks at you disappointedly after coming home from hooking up with your ex, someone at OIT knows you were in another room until 7am, and that someone is judging you. 
  • Even though large gatherings aren’t permitted, some religious services of over 10 people are, so you and 9 of your closest pals could technically go sauntering through K-ville at 3am, claiming to be “paying your respects to God (Zion) and also Jesus (Zion).” 
  • Better yet, if you’re in the mood to relive some pre-Corona memories, failing to complete your daily SymMon will suspend access to your dorm room and will thus land you a prime opportunity to practice for tenting whenever KVille opens again. 
  • 6 feet of physical distance is mandatory in all indoor public spaces, including the dining halls, classrooms, and bathrooms, unless you’re using a condom provided to you by Student Health, in which case you can use the wrapper as a “get out of jail free card.”
  • There’s a snitch line!  
  • You’re not allowed to leave Durham, but you can still have fun!!! For example, you could find the city limits and take your own Four Corners Monument-inspired pics at the border of Chapel Hill and Durham.
  • Duke’s trying really hard to avoid that whole “cheese touch” phenomena that plagued your fourth grade playgrounds by “destigmatizing” students who catch corona. So you can’t post a Snap of the girl down the hall from you moving her things to Jarvis because she tested #positive. 
  • Don’t bother trying to report fake symptoms for a mental health break at The Lodge either–not even COVID will get you out of your daily student responsibilities and classes <3

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