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February 2021

The Armie Hammers of Duke

“I am 100% a cannibal.”

“Fuck. That’s scary to admit b”

“I’ve never admitted that before.”

On January 10th, 2021, those words were the shots heard around the world. The dramatic and utterly bizarre revelation that Armie Hammer could potentially be a cannibal? I couldn’t believe it. He was cookie-cutter Hollywood.

Yet, as I began connecting the dots, it all started to sound somewhat plausible. The Call Me By Your Name press tour moment when Hammer revealed that his poor Italian skills led him to accidentally order a completely raw steak (that he ate anyway out of embarrassment)? His known tendency to DM models on Instagram and unfollow them if they ignored him? Hammer’s self-proclaimed “feral” upbringing in the Cayman Islands where he contracted ringworm, not once, but four times? What previously seemed quirky anecdotes of an actor who’s “not like other A-listers” (B-listers?) started to feel like pieces of a sinister puzzle.

I asked myself: could there be Armie Hammers at Duke? Could cannibalism be a legitimate kink that the men of my dating pool were just not ready to admit? I thought back to every interaction I’ve ever had with a cis-het white male Duke student. 

Could it be the DSig boy I hooked up with freshman year? Despite his generic frat bro exterior, he seemed way too turned on when he bit my lip and accidentally drew blood. Or perhaps my current boyfriend, who eats his steaks far too rare for my taste? Either way, I’ve assembled a definitive guide to where you can find the Armie Hammers of Duke.

  1. JB’s Roasts and Chops: Have you ever ordered the flank steak from JB’s? Or maybe, in pre-COVID times, ordered one of the actual steaks? If so, you’ve noticed that they always come out entirely too bloody. If you spot a man eating one of these, you should be more than wary of just what else he might have a taste for.
  2. The Old Trinity Club and the Trident Society: We may only think about Duke’s secret societies a few times a year — normally when they’re standing in their sunglasses and robes on the quad by Perkins — but it’s worth bringing them up now. Hammer is rumoured to be part of an Eyes Wide Shut-style underground sex society. Old money, status, and influence…that’s an incubator for cannibalism fantasies if I’ve ever seen one.
  3. EVANTH 333L – The Human Body: What cannibal wouldn’t relish at the chance to dissect a cadaver? You can actually do that in this lab-based class that explores “gross anatomy from a functional and evolutionary perspective”. No wonder the lab is always missing some specimens.Want to get closer to the human body? Just be a pre-med student. 
  4. Literally any fraternity event ever: There’s no better place to find men that are more than willing to take advantage of a vulnerable woman both physically and emotionally than at an IFC event (especially one off-campus). If there are any morally-questionable, privileged men who have drifted into the realm of cannibalistic fantasy, they’re almost certainly in a frat.

Fine, let’s be real. There are (most likely) no Armie Hammers at Duke. Hammer has already been dropped by his publicist and his agency, as well as fired from his most recent projects. Here at Duke though, there’s no such thing as consequences for men who hurt women, whether physically or emotionally. 

But there are Armie Hammers in another sense. Cannibal aside, there’s a 95% chance that Hammer is an awful person who has been, at the least, emotionally abusive to his past partners. There’s also a 100% chance that the LA Times was forced to kill a recently planned exposé on Hammer and some other shitty men in Hollywood. Hammer will eventually walk away from these allegations, returning to his life as an old money man in a too-forgiving world. Sounds a lot like the outcome of any Duke sexual assault investigation.

Categories
February 2021

Positive Affirmations for the Inevitable COVID-19 Campus Lockdown

  • You deserve to slow down and take a deep breath. It will of course only fog up your glasses since you’re wearing a mask and cause you more stress, but still, you deserve it.
  • Treat yourself! Drink that extra cup of coffee or whatever will keep you conscious nowadays.
  • Remember that during quarantine, Isaac Newton helped to develop calculus. You can’t do that, but you can do your calc worksheets!
  • Don’t worry so much – what good has worry done for you other than keeping you safe in your dorm at all times?
  • If you’re lonely, remember your loved ones. They have been and will always be just a severely technologically disastrous Zoom call away! You might never see them again, actually!
  • Remember that you have the power to change your routine every day! Browse YouTube instead of TikTok!
  • Wherever you are, no matter what you’re going through, we’re in this together. Unless you’re doing better than me, of course.
Categories
February 2021

EvAnth Department Advises Duke on COVID Response, Proposes Pilot “FUCK IT” Program

           A few weeks ago, our favorite Marriage Pact couple Mary Pat McMahon and Gary Bennett gave us advice on how to better prevent the spread of the virus on campus. It was insightful, down-to-earth, incredibly poorly edited, overly dramatic, and straight up cute. But cute doesn’t cut it. In the end, students will do what they want to do. Drastic measures (not two masks — that’s just extra) must be taken.

           Recently, Department Of learned that campus administration has contacted the Evolutionary Anthropology Department for help on how to deal with this matter. When asked why, the administration stated that they believe the EvAnth department has valuable scientific insights on the historical spread of diseases and human adaptation to past pandemics. We have no idea what that means either, but an insider from Duke administration (who chose not to be named, but we’ll call them Lary Vennett) revealed that their plan was simple:

           “The Evolutionary Anthropology department told us to start giving all students and faculty a personal health kit, which they call the Fool-proof Unanticipated Coronavirus response pacKage for Intense siTuations, aka FUCK IT. Basically, if people don’t want to follow guidelines, FUCK IT. We’ll let natural selection do its thing.” Department Of has gained exclusive knowledge that the FUCK IT kit comes with a leftover oxygen mask from the airport, hand sanitizer that kills 69% of bacteria, and a legal notice preventing coronavirus from entering one’s body. The plan is now facing final peer review from the board of trustees before the FUCK IT kits are manufactured for Duke students.

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DDO Issues October 2020

October 2020

OCTOBER 2020

Gallup Poll: How Duke students are voting this November

Top Reasons Why You Should Commit Voter Fraud this Election, and Our Handy How-to Guide

Duke Students as Contestants on The Bachelorette

What Your Favorite Halloween Candy Says About You

Why I Would Make a Better Supreme Court Justice Nominee than Amy Coney Barrett

Duke Specific Halloween Costumes

A Memoir from a Mask’s Diary: Halloween Night

President Price to Kiss All Students Due to Major Change to Duke Compact

How Much is Half a Semester?: A Research Inquiry

Categories
October 2020

Gallup Poll: How Duke students are voting this November

Between DukeEngage and the myriad of “service learning” opportunities peddled on campus, it’s clear that Duke loves entrusting its (not-at-all qualified) students to be great change-makers in the world’s (and Durham’s) vulnerable communities. The most recent scheme? Letting a statistically-significant sample of undergraduates, with various majors and backgrounds represented, decide the 2020 election. 

We wanted to hear how Duke students are voting, so we conducted some interviews to find out:

Facebook offer comp sci sellout:

“I know I’m going to get a lot of hate for this, but I’m voting for Trump. Tell me you’ve seen the way AOC and those other left-wingers tried to destroy Mark Zuckerberg. So uncool and disrespectful. I’m totally a Democrat, but the current “Democrats” in the House are basically communists. What happened to respecting free speech and the fundamental right to big data? Plus, I want a president who will respect my right as a future-software-engineer to create a platform that refuses to censor right-wing extremist groups. But if anyone asks, I’m voting for Jo Jorgensen.”

McKinsey offer pub pol sellout:

“Obviously I’m voting for Biden—what kind of question is that? Honestly, I was into Bloomberg, but Biden was a strong second choice. If there’s anything I learned in my four years of public policy curriculum, it’s the importance of meticulously-structured, perfectly objective, solutions to promote incremental change, leveraging the stakeholders who have the most education and experience as executives. I mean why else do you think I took my job with McKinsey? I’ll make way more of a social impact than I ever could working for some small non-profit.”

The girl in your class whose abroad semester got cancelled:

“Look, this is a really sensitive topic for me, but I think I’m going to have to go with Trump. This is entirely selfish, but I honestly think that Biden would close all our borders and forbid Americans from any international travel. I already had to have my semester in Madrid cancelled, effectively barring me from the life-changing abroad experience. My parents are giving me a summer trip to Europe out of pity, and I’m not going to sacrifice that just because of some scary Supreme Court nomination.”

Socially liberal, fiscally conservative econ major:

“Jo Jorgensen.”

“Woke” sorority girl:

“I am so proud to vote Kamala Harris for president. Yes, I know she’s just the running mate, but we all know she’ll do the governing. She is such a girlboss, like I’m just obsessed with her. And even though she was a career prosecutor, I think it just shows what a great leader she is. Like, I totally understand how much it can suck to be the “bad guy” or the one who upholds “laws.” In rush last year, I had to cut a bunch of girls that I really, really liked, because even though they’re from Fairfield County, they went to public school, you know? Anyways, I just want to underscore the importance of voting—remember, your vote is for every woman out there; we’re all sisters… It’s what RBG would’ve wanted; rest in power. (aside) And can you take a picture with me to post on Insta show how much I just care about democracy? Thanks! Love you so much!”

Self righteous campus activist:

“Oh, me? I’m not voting…Uh huh, yup, you heard me right. Both candidates are old, pathetic, corporate, white men. Neither of them care a bit about police brutality, race relations, women, or people’s lives. I wanted Bernie, but the party forced him out just like in 2016 to further their neo-liberal agenda. This whole thing is a sham. The only way out is through a true revolution, but until then, I refuse to support anyone who’s willing to compromise with a capitalist system. In fact, fuck anyone who benefits from capitalism to begin with!…Yes, I’m receiving an endowed merit scholarship—why do you ask?”

So, do you think this is better or worse than the electoral college?

We aren’t sure either, but there’s one thing department of is sure of: Don’t just trust your fellow Duke students to make decisions for you; go vote.

Categories
October 2020

Top Reasons Why You Should Commit Voter Fraud this Election, and Our Handy How-to Guide

         In an impassioned plea this summer, Coach K got in front of a camera and urged anyone who was watching to go out and vote in the upcoming election. He said, “voting is the great equalizer. When we vote, we’re all equal.”

         It’s a great message. If we ignore the fact that every vote in Wyoming counts for three votes in California, it’s true! When we vote, we all count equally.

         So I’m proud to say that I count for five people.

         That’s right, I’m voting five times in this coming election. Now, I know you must have some questions, like “isn’t that voter fraud?” “is that illegal?” “could you go to jail for that?” As it turns out, the answers are “Yes,” “a felony, actually,” and “absolutely!”

         Not that you need any more convincing, but here are several more reasons why you too should commit voter fraud this election cycle.

  1. Between Covid, the supreme court seat, riots on the streets, and any number of other factors, this is undoubtedly one of the most important elections of our lifetime. You have a chance to make a significant difference if and only if you vote several times.
  1. You don’t want your grandparents voting with all their antiquated ideas and inability to use Zoom. Instead, tell them that the election has been pushed back one week to November 10th, then go and vote in their place.
  1. Support the post office! The more mail-in ballots you send in, the more you’re supporting your local USPS branches!
  1. Since voter fraud is technically a felony, you (probably hopefully) get to lower your Rice Purity Score.
  1. One free pen every time you vote in person!
  1. Everyone’s doing it. You’re actually putting yourself at a disadvantage and underrepresenting yourself if you don’t.
  1. Everyone’s doing it. Like, all the cool kids are doing it. Peer pressure.
  1. You can bet on both sides, so you always come out on top. Look… I’m not saying vote for Trump, but, if you do have five ballots to cast… seems like a shame to always vote for the same people.
  1. You can help even out the electoral college. One vote in the presidential election in Wyoming is roughly three times as valuable as one vote in North Carolina. The easy solution? Vote three times!

The best way to vote several times:

         As you’ve surely heard from that ad with Obama on YouTube, it’s crucial to make a plan to vote. Here is mine. Hopefully, you have enough time to follow along yourself:

  1. I requested a mail-in ballot from my home state of Virginia, from the address I had when I was in high school.
  2. I requested a mail-in ballot from my freshman year dorm. I picked it up from my mailbox and sent it in.
  3. Since my parents moved once I went to college, my new Virginia address is different. I drove up one weekend and voted early, in person.
  4. I voted early with my sophomore year address at the Karsh alumni center.
  5. I will vote in person on election day at a local Durham polling place with my current address.

         MOST IMPORTANTLY, I never took an “I voted” sticker. The government puts microchips in those to track you and keep voter records.

         If you use a different, legitimate address every time, they’re never going to find out. What’s the government going to do, cross reference your name with every other voter? Don’t be ridiculous. They can’t even make you show up for jury duty.

         In the absolute worst-case scenario, just tell the government official that tries to arrest you for voting multiple times that you just forgot, or you thought that the early voting site was just for practice. Cops tend to be pretty understanding and forgiving.

… This article might get me in trouble.

Categories
October 2020

Duke Students as Contestants on The Bachelorette

Dating at Duke is hard. Dating at Duke during a pandemic is even harder. Without the safety blankets of drunken nights at Shooters and Devine’s or sexual tension-filled eye contact on third floor Perkins, one might wonder if finding love is even possible.

A new, exclusive program from Duke University Union wants to change that: The Duke Bachelorette. Embracing the spirit of toxic heteronormativity, one lucky undergraduate woman will have the opportunity to be wooed by Duke’s best and brightest men. Staying true to the integrity of the franchise, here are your contestants:

  • The Guy Without a Real Job (he’s listed as a “free spirit”): You know that cute upperclassman who somehow is always at Marketplace? That’s the one. When he isn’t trying to bum a guest swipe off of unsuspecting first-years, he’s explaining why he’s “still figuring out what to major in” but he’s “really leaning towards English.”
  • The Guy with the Weird Gimmick When Exiting the Limo: During O Week, having an introductory spiel was key to avoiding awkward conversation. Two years later, it’s just annoying, and this guy hasn’t realized it yet. His only talent? Having the same exact conversation with every new person he meets…We get it. You have three cats and are a total nerd for econ.
  • The Guy Who’s Only in it for the Fantasy Suite: He’ll tell you that you’re “really special” and the “only one he’s talking to”, but when it’s finally time for his away formal, you somehow aren’t his date. But hey, that won’t stop him from convincing you to get him an invite to your sorority’s crush party.
  • The Aspiring Actor/Musician Who’s Just There For Self-Promo: Remember the ukulele kids from high school? The ones who think that everyone in the cafeteria wants to hear them stumble through a creaky rendition of “Riptide” by Vance Joy? Unfortunately, we remember them too. Their Duke equivalent? People who table on the BC Plaza. Dude, we promise you. No one wants to hear about your a cappella group.
  • The Guy Who Says Everyone Else is “There for the Wrong Reasons”: None of us got into Yale; that’s why we’re all at Duke. That won’t stop this man from constantly bringing up his high school GPA, AP course load, and standardized scores. Maybe it’s crippling imposter syndrome. Maybe it’s really f****** annoying.
  • The Guy Who Always Says, “Can I Steal You for a Second?”: He may seem like he genuinely wants to get to know you better, but don’t be fooled. This man just likes to hear himself talk. Case in point? He’s definitely the guy who asks your professor super nit-picky questions that don’t actually relate to the lecture, just to show he did the optional reading. Nothing fosters faux intimacy better than thinly-veiled peacocking. 
  • The Nerdy Underdog Who Makes it to the Final Four: He’s in Pratt.

You’ve met them—maybe you’ve even dated them, but quarantine still has you bored enough to have genuine interest in seeing how this all pans out. Tune in every Wednesday at 10:00PM (prime Shooters time, rip). Fill out this Google Form for the exclusive Zoom link.

Categories
October 2020

What Your Favorite Halloween Candy Says About You

Hershey’s Chocolate Bar: Like any other Hershey’s candy, you’re probably really great at first, but you gradually become intolerable. 

Red Hot Tamales, Fun Dip, or Sour Punch Straws: You’re either an anarcho-communist or a radical right-wing terrorist.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: This is a good choice. You probably grew up in a suburb and played soccer, tennis, or lacrosse. Actually, I’m willing to bet you played all three.

Reese’s Pieces: You definitely bit people at the playground when you were younger– honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you still do. I bet you’re as unhygienic as the Reese’s Pieces dispenser at the local arcade that’s full of stale candy and old band-aids. 

Kit Kat: The only word that’s coming to mind is “silly.”

Starbursts: You’re good unless you like to get into heated arguments about which flavour is the best and drag it out for way too long. Wrap it up, Mitch McConell.

Snickers: Snickers are good, but they’re not that good, which makes me think you’re content with yourself and the world around you. Go find something to be mad about. Because you can still be you and be pissed off at everything, regardless if you’re hungry.

M&Ms: You’re either a five-year-old boy who loves matchbox cars or an adderall-addict. Maybe both. Who knows?

Normal Tootsie Rolls: Go back to the 1930s, Grandpa.

Flavoured Tootsie Rolls: Go to hell.

Junior Mints: Good choice, although your growth was probably stunted from the combination of the 1000% of your recommended daily sugar intake that was in each piece and the fumes from the mint.

Haribo Gummies:  There’s no way you haven’t studied abroad in Europe and then been super annoying about it ever since. If you haven’t yet, you probably will.

Skittles: You definitely like Spiderman and probably wish it was still 2007, but don’t we all?

Nerds: A combination of sugar and energy drinks keeps you up all night. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sleep. Seek professional help.

Milky Way: the nice, popular kid of candies; either you’re the same or you’re projecting.

Milk Duds: Aside from the abundance of cavities you’ve had– the number of which suggests you’ve gotten more than one on each tooth– you’re chilling. A little old-fashioned, maybe, but not necessarily in a bad way.

Whoppers: You either look like the guy from Monopoly or are 8-year-old me. Either way, bravo.

Runts: You have the same energy as a McDonald’s play structure. 

Blow Pops: You’re so weird, but you embrace it, and everyone loves you for it.

Sour Patch Kids: The food dye they pumped into this definitely messed you up a little, but you’re fun.

Airheads: Once your days of terrorizing your fourth and fifth grade classrooms are done, it’s over for you. Just admit you already peaked and move on. 

Dots: Interesting choice. You definitely like black olives and mayonnaise.

Smarties: Stop snorting the powder. 

Payday: You’re a Republican.

Swedish Fish: You probably bullied me.

Categories
October 2020

Why I Would Make a Better Supreme Court Justice Nominee than Amy Coney Barrett

  • Prior to her nomination to the Circuit Court of Appeals in 2017 by Trump, ACB had no experience being a judge. I, however, have been judging people since first grade, when I vowed silence on the playground if approached by someone wearing knee-high Converse
  • My high school government teacher was a basketball coach and once said that Pete Buttigieg was racist for speaking at a primarily black church (???) and yet, I still know the five freedoms guaranteed by the first amendment
  • I understand that the purpose of a confirmation hearing is to answer the questions you’re asked
  • And while I may have barely passed the AP Gov exam, it seems like the authors of the constitution might have understood that the document they were writing might have to slightly…change eventually? That they couldn’t predict every future event? And that an “originalist” POV (as ACB so endearingly says she has) might not be the most…practical or useful one 250 years after the document’s conception?
  • ACB is Catholic, and I am recovered
  • She affirms that “marriage and family [are] founded on the indissoluble commitment of a man and a woman,” but I don’t think God wouldn’t have made gay ppl if marriage was only between men and women (and God doesn’t make mistakes) (so checkmake luv)
  • ACB only had around 1,800 pages of records (compared to prior Supreme Court nominees hundreds of thousands of pages) to submit to the Senate Judiciary Committee for review. I, on the other hand, got moved to red and yellow so many times in elementary school that my record is bound to be at least 1,807 pages!
  • If 88 of my peers wrote a letter to me asking me to withdraw my consideration for the Supreme Court, I’d be so…embarrassed. Mortified. I’m so sensitive that when one of the ladies in Marketplace reprimanded me for not going through the line the proper way, I thought about it for weeks afterward. See? I’m still thinking about it. 
  • She’s a Republican, and I don’t hate myself.
Categories
October 2020

Duke Specific Halloween Costumes

Ghosts of disgraced administrators past: Get your friends together and do this in a group. The only thing better than one Larry Moneta? Five Larry Monetas.

Sheet ghost: You won’t be using your tent this year, so you might as well put that excess fabric to good use. Just cut out holes for eyes and voila—no one has to see the extra 10 pounds you gained during quarantine.

DSig brother: They may not be on-campus anymore, but we’ll never forget the anger we felt when every single one of them somehow became investment bankers. The two friends you invite to your socially distant Halloween gathering will love watching you block the door and ask them “Who do you know here?”.

Zoom: This one is perfect for the most toxic person in your friend group, you know, the one who you can’t stand but inexplicably spend all of your time with? Great option for anyone who wants to avoid mindless conversation—literally no one will come anywhere near you all night.

Police officer: Prove that you are the most problematic and out-of-touch person on your floor. Offend absolutely everyone for no reason. Just don’t do this.

Anything related to COVID-19: This is the laziest costume of the year, but you can justify it by saying “When I look back at old photos, I want to make it clear that I spent Halloween during a pandemic.”

Sweatpants and a t-shirt you probably got for free at a Duke event: This is the perfect costume, because the only correct place to celebrate Halloween is in your own home. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t gather. Just spend the evening in bed watching Halloweentown and eating copious amounts of discount candy.