April 2020

April 2020

April 2020

Newest Instagram Story Trends You MUST Try !!!
Department Of’s Choice Face Masks
Duke to Hold Class of 2020 Commencement with Roughly 1500 Blue Devil Fish in Place of Students
“’Scoot to SocSci? Not so fast,’ Duke says,” Chronicle says

April 2020

Newest Instagram Story Trends You MUST Try !!!

As you may have seen recently, people have been getting mighty creative with how to seek attention – I mean pass the time – on their Instagram stories. To keep up the good fun during our quarantines, Dept. Of has compiled this list of Instagram stories you should try and tag your friends on!

      1. Pet Peeve Bingo – Many people are doing college-specific bingos or frat/sorority bingos, but this bingo is relatable to everyone with common annoyances that we all love to hate.
      1. Watermelon Challenge – I know we can’t go to the beach (I’m looking at you Florida), but we can still make waves at home. Try to make the biggest splash by dropping the largest fruit you have in the toilet. Tag your friends, and whoever has the largest splash wasted the most food.
    1. 30-Day Class Challenge – Everyone’s doing the 30-day song challenge, but let’s all be productive and list the classes we go to everyday for a whole ass month. I’m sure people will care just as much as the song one!
    1. Least Favorite Things – This is similar to the “get to know me” ones, where you list your favorite TV shows and whatnot. But this is much more fun because you list the least favorite qualities of the person that tagged you. It’ll cause drama, yes, but if you have time to post all this shit on your story I’m sure you have time to deal with some drama.
    1. 90-Day Free Trial Challenge – Post your favorite uses of all the free trials you use during quarantine with this 90-day, easily cancellable, free of charge challenge.
    1. Fruit Challenge – This is a groundbreaking idea, I can feel it. We’re all super bored, right? So what if we all draw random fruits and just tag everyone we know! What a wholesome trend, I hope this one takes off.
  1.       30-Day Post Nothing Challenge – Oh god, screw all the              other ones, just please do this.
April 2020

Department Of’s Choice Face Masks

Fruit-infused Mask: Full of antioxidants, anti-germ vibes!
Exfoliating mask: Use this to scrub the skin right off your face. The virus can’t get in if you don’t have pores!
Revitalizing mask: Feeling sick? Wear this mask and it will bring you back to good health!
Generic sheet mask: This one is designed to look like a bear! Roar! Scare Miss Rona away!
Deep cleansing charcoal mask: Get all those germs out with a deep pore cleanse! Corona, watch out!
Sleeping mask: Wear this one to bed to protect against the nightmare of COVID-19!
Chemical peel face mask: Like the exfoliating face mask, but more aggressive! Plus, chemicals!
Hydrating face mask: Bacteria love wet environments, so they’ll occupy your pores and leave no room for Miss Rona!
Mud mask: if you rub dirt all over your face, it strengthens your immune system and will make it better equipped to combat the virus. Queen status!

April 2020

Duke to Hold Class of 2020 Commencement with Roughly 1500 Blue Devil Fish in Place of Students

DURHAM, N.C. Since campus was closed just about two months ago, many students were worried about their belongings, relocating to a new home, and being forced to get along with their siblings, but virtually all felt sad most for the Class of 2020, which would be denied a proper graduation ceremony and a last chance to grind on strangers at Shooters. However, while the university is preventing students from meeting in-person in order to flatten the curve (and because public health experts kept telling them to do so, which they realized a little too late), they have come up with a clever alternative to the traditional approach of graduation: celebrate the outgoing class of Blue Devils with their very own Blue Devil fish.

Believe it or not, (Paraplesiops bleekeri) is known as the eastern blue devil. It grows up to 40 centimeters wide, is native to Australia, and is soon to be the symbolic mascot for our students. “We thought it was the best gesture possible for our students, ” says Patricia Fream, current Chairwoman of the Office of University Ceremonies and Other Fun Expensive Blowouts. “While we can’t bring them here, we wanted to let them know that wherever they are, they will always be blue devils in our hearts. We hope this gesture will let them know that their presence in this school swims through all the grief and uncertainty we face as a community.”

Questions have emerged about the feasibility of this plan, however, the university remains committed to its plan and has announced that they have already moved forward with it. “Now that we’re laying off our workers, obtaining the funds for the Blue Devil fish was easy,” says Wendell Wetters, current President of Duke’s Branch of Aquatic Affairs. “The Australian government said no initially, cause it’s a protected species or whatever, but we had the funds and also promised them some lemurs from the Lemur Center.” When we asked how much was put into this investment, we were declined an answer, but we subsequently analyzed that tuition was raised just recently again by 5%, which we hypothesize was to cover the cost of these not-for-sale fish with the Australian government.

However, there is so much that contract negotiations can do in getting you a native species from halfway across the globe. Through the Australian government, they were only allowed access to 1200 fish. So the Marine Lab staff at Beaufort, N.C., has been tasked with conducting a fishing scheme to obtain the remaining 300 fish they need to represent the rest of the class. They begin their venture to Australia later this week. When we asked Marine Lab Captain Horatio Crunch [who, yes, was named exactly after the iconic cereal mascot] about how he felt about the voyage and how it would impact local wildlife, he preferred to focus on the journey instead. “I’m letting the wind carry me wherever it blows. The sea is calling me. Let me be one with the ocean. Oh yeah, and those seniors deserve their blue devil fish.”

During the actual commencement itself, each student will be able to join alongside their fish via a Zoom call. All the devices currently in Duke OIT’s lockup are being lent to this cause, giving each student the ability to make their own connection and come one step closer to the experience of sitting in a barren football stadium while barely being able to hear anyone, except better, because they’re not sitting out in the sun. In a trial run, many have expressed complaints with poor visibility and with some devices electrocuting the test fish, but OIT plans to resolve these as soon as possible through their newly formed Fishy Situation Task Force. And don’t worry – the entire thing will be livestreamed for the whole audience – if Duke’s Wi-Fi somehow manages to hold up.

After the commencement is over, Duke plans to mail out one fish to each student to look after, each being placed with tender care in their very own plastic bag, Finding Nemo style. And we trust that as in the past, Duke will follow proper mailing procedures. Duke has made it clear that each graduating senior should buy a fish tank, food, and other supplies to take care of said fish as soon as they are able to.

Sushi restaurant Gyotaku expressed their deepest discontent with the university’s alternative plan for commencement, writing to us that “we could have made sashimi for a year with the amount of fish that Duke is importing, we really wish they would have given the fish to us to turn into sushi burritos.”

In contrast, graduating biology major Lilly Kant was rather pleased with the decision. “I’ve loved animals all my life. But every time in bio lab I was just poking at dead things and making obscure measurements. At the end of the day, I just wanted to take care of an actual pet instead of writing about its organs, and Duke finally listened.”

We also reached out to commencement speaker Ken Jeong, who replied to us in an email giving the university an A plus from Senor Chang himself. Quote: “This blows every expectation I had for my alma mater out of the water – do I get my own fish?” Ken’s request is being fulfilled and the Marine Lab is making sure to grab an extra fish while in Australia.

With initial mixed reactions, it is unclear whether or not this plan will give the outgoing class some satisfaction in the midst of all that’s happened. However, we can guarantee for sure that someone from the Chronicle is definitely to complain about this in their op-ed. Virtual commencement is to be held sometime by late May. Congratulations to the Class of 2020, and expect your very own blue devil fish along with your diploma in the mail come this June.

April 2020

“’Scoot to SocSci? Not so fast,’ Duke says,” Chronicle says

Formal complaint left at President Price’s Doorstep in September:

In a most roundabout way we’ve finally come full circle. Five years ago I was just some measly 4th grader kicking cans, huffing ink and riding Razor scooters around and atop my stepdad’s burial plot. But now that I’ve finally put the kibosh on such inconvenient habits, in comes Durham with these shiny new electric scooters that have me desperately picking at the dry scabs on my chafed inner thighs and in the creases of my oily neck rolls, jonesing for a waft from a fresh pack of fine point indelible Sharpies. And I’m absolutely certain that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Nor am I the only one that demands Duke add more restrictions to who and what can commandeer these two-wheeled conveyances to delinquency. You only have to be sixteen with a driver’s license to ride on these things? At 16, I was at least 5 feet tall and binge-watching Adult Swim off uTorrent — now just imagine how dangerous I could’ve been if my bitch mom didn’t throw out my Razor scooter after I missed my 8:25 PM curfew by a couple of days. Yield to pedestrians? Pfft — when I hop on a shiny Raz’ post-crushing 4 Glacier Ice Monster energy drinks after my mom scolds me for not going to Gerald’s funeral, I make a conscious effort to make damn sure pedestrians yield to my rage-filled 360-degree tail whips. Like, come on, he wasn’t even my dad! You know what? Fuck this, it’s not even worth arguing with you — you’ll all see what I mean soon enough.


March 2020

March 2020

March 2020

COVID-19 Action Plan Email
Perkins, In Detail
Duke Students as Democratic Presidential Nominees
Professor Uses Unique Onlyfans Platform for Online Classes
Zoom Bingo
Dean Sue and the White Claw: A Children’s Story
Self-Care for the Pandemic
Duke Dining from Home
COVID-19 Revised Syllabus
Essential items for Duke to ship back to me
Seniors Desperate in a Last Ditch Effort to Fulfill Graduation Requirements

March 2020

COVID-19 Revised Syllabus

Sent on March 22, 2020 to all students via Sakai

Dear Students,
I hope you all have returned home safely or have found an alternative safe place to live for the foreseeable future. The past two weeks have brought some difficult challenges but I believe we can continue our class as expected while practicing proper social distancing guidelines. In order to ensure this, appropriate changes have to be met to ensure that we can resume our studies unabated. As a result, the syllabus has been revised:

Participation (5%) – Our 10:05AM-11:20AM EDT lectures and discussions have been moved to Zoom. It is imperative that you show up to these meetings if possible, even though we’re reducing the participation points down and we now live in different time zones. I wake up at 7AM every day for this job and it’s about time you West Coast folks start doing the same. For Zoom, I request that you remain muted and turn off your video, unless you need to ask a question. If you do turn on your video, your virtual background must be off. I cannot have you disrupting the class with pictures of grass or whatever it is you children pose in front of. As for discussions, our TAs will be utilizing the Zoom whiteboard and drawing corresponding visuals with their mouse cursor, so please forgive them for their terrible artistic abilities in advance. We will be checking for participation on both the lectures and discussions, so please try to show up. If you can’t, make sure you’re doing the homework to compensate for your lack of self.

Midterms (25%) – The first midterm grade will now be worth 25% instead of 15% of your final grade. Many students will be disappointed with this change, so in order to quell your complaints, there will now be an optional paper due for this course in order to boost your midterm score. Standard Times New Roman, 12 font, single spacing about how the cases of COVID-19 fit the epidemiological curve and compare its impact on the economy and global health affairs with the impact of the Spanish influenza, due by March 27th. Get writing!

Final (25%) – The final is now being administered via Zoom and Sakai on Friday, May 1st at 7PM-10PM EDT. I know you have nothing better to do on Friday evening during lockdown. To ensure that none of you cheat on this closed-book exam, you will be required to attend a Zoom meeting online, where you will be split into 20 breakout rooms, each observed by a TA. This will ensure that you are silent while taking the exam. So please be quiet, otherwise a good amount of people will hear it. Once you are finished, you may submit on Sakai and leave the Zoom meeting. And since public health officials are suggesting to me to “flatten the curve,” the curve will be eliminated altogether for this exam, however, you will be able to adequately prepare via the remaining homeworks assigned this semester. Note there is also a prepared oral portion of the exam which you will perform in front of your TA and the other students in the breakout room. So get ready to impress your fellow classmates, and keep in mind, top performances will be posted on my WordPress website by the end of the semester.

Homeworks (40%) – Points from the final and participation grade have been reassigned to the homework section, so this section will be of most importance. Weekly assignments will continue as planned and will be submitted via Gradescope. There is a test assignment now available for submitting if you would like to test the system. Homeworks must be typeset. I recommend you download a LaTeX editor which will allow you to proper format your submissions. You can also click here for a quick LaTeX tutorial.

Textbook Readings (5%) – The textbook is now available online thanks to the generous support of our lovely textbook companies. No excuses for reading it now, fuckers. As a result, textbook reading points will be remaining the same. Also, our daily textbook checks will now be conducted via Kahoot instead of using our clickers (no refunds). We were going to use the clickers, but apparently they don’t work outside of a 50 foot radius of my laptop. We will send more information about these Kahoot checks later, but in the meantime, please avoid choosing a nickname other than your own name, otherwise, you or “sugar daddy” will not receive credit. By the way, you’re not being funny, and I will not tolerate such tasteless jabs at my education plan while you have me as professor.

Please wash your hands and stay healthy!

Firstname Lastname, PhD.
“I think, therefore I am” – Rene Descartes
Want to schedule an appointment with me? Too bad!

March 2020

Essential Items for Duke to Ship Back to Me

1. My weed
2. My bucket hat
3. The quarter handle of Tito’s in my closet
4. My Applebee’s gift card
5. My vibrator
6. The three month old heavenly buffalo’s ranch I’ve been saving in the fridge
7. My fake
8. My “saturdays are for the boys” socks
9. The half eaten bag of hot cheetos on my desk

March 2020

Dean Sue and the White Claw: A Children’s Story

Let me tell you boys & girls, the Duke community couldn’t wait
For the miraculous date of February 8th
With the diehard fans anticipating victory once more,
And the stressed students saying “I would watch, but I have a damn midterm to study for!”

It seemed like Duke was losing hope, as those in Perkins started to look away,
And Coach K began to bubble & boil with anger – oh wait – he just looks like that every day.
The hope faded in our hearts as skeptics kept googling the score
And the students in Perkins continued glazing through their textbook bored

But that didn’t stop the bros from gathering around the TV
Like Jack, Brad, Matt, and J.C.
In Chapel Hill, the Tar Heels are silenced as Tre bounces the ball off the rim
And scores 2 points at the last minute for a chance to win.

The once-busy students pushed their textbooks aside
And began streaming illegally from
And 1 hour after we expected failure,
We shot.
We shot.
And Tre won the game right there at the buzzer.

You might be thinking, why are you telling me this again?
Isn’t it the Chronicle’s job to write repetitive news appealing towards men?
Well, though the news coverage has been thorough,
We still must give a salute to Duke’s most unlikely hero.

For you see, Mother Nature was not pleased with Daddy Duke’s game of ball.
It seemed she wanted our beloved tradition to fall.
But alas, DSG had cancelled the bench burning.
Before the frat bros decided that shit was boring.

The white bench was laid out that day
Ready to be utterly consumed by the flames
But to save the bench from it’s inevitable doom,
in walks our hero: motherfucking Dean Sue.

Dean Sue appeared to be standing fine
Pushing the students back to safety lines.
But then one student came and brought it to her first:
A single White Claw to quench her thirst.

The crowd shouted out with glee:
“If you drink, we will leave”
“If you drink, we will leave”
“If you drink, we will leave”
And then it happened: it left everyone impressed.
She then held it to her lips, took a sip, hoping this would put it all to rest.

But nay, everyone shouted as she chugged the White Claw
And everyone pulled out their own ones in awe:
You could hear the glug, glug, glug, glug
As the crowd exclaimed at her to chug, chug, chug, chug
After she finished, she began drinking some water in haste
To make up for the White Claw’s nonexistent taste

Dean Sue was promptly taken away
But the whole crowd was now cheering her name
They all would remember, they would swear it was true.
The legendary one-drink tale of Dean Sue.

March 2020

Zoom Bingo

People start spamming F in the chat The professor is laggy as hell Somebody’s parent walks by in the background The CS kid figured out how to show a video loop of him in class
You sleep through your class FREE SPACE (you don’t wear pants) Your WiFi lags only during the important parts Someone has their speaker on so you hear everything twice
Students end up having to lecture the professor on zoom technology First week is “revised syllabus week” No one can hear the professor in lecture Professor’s screen is frozen
You’re the first to join the room with the professor People keep talking over you in discussion You watch the lecture later in 2x speed Your professor opens with “can everyone hear me?”