October 2020

Why I Would Make a Better Supreme Court Justice Nominee than Amy Coney Barrett

  • Prior to her nomination to the Circuit Court of Appeals in 2017 by Trump, ACB had no experience being a judge. I, however, have been judging people since first grade, when I vowed silence on the playground if approached by someone wearing knee-high Converse
  • My high school government teacher was a basketball coach and once said that Pete Buttigieg was racist for speaking at a primarily black church (???) and yet, I still know the five freedoms guaranteed by the first amendment
  • I understand that the purpose of a confirmation hearing is to answer the questions you’re asked
  • And while I may have barely passed the AP Gov exam, it seems like the authors of the constitution might have understood that the document they were writing might have to slightly…change eventually? That they couldn’t predict every future event? And that an “originalist” POV (as ACB so endearingly says she has) might not be the most…practical or useful one 250 years after the document’s conception?
  • ACB is Catholic, and I am recovered
  • She affirms that “marriage and family [are] founded on the indissoluble commitment of a man and a woman,” but I don’t think God wouldn’t have made gay ppl if marriage was only between men and women (and God doesn’t make mistakes) (so checkmake luv)
  • ACB only had around 1,800 pages of records (compared to prior Supreme Court nominees hundreds of thousands of pages) to submit to the Senate Judiciary Committee for review. I, on the other hand, got moved to red and yellow so many times in elementary school that my record is bound to be at least 1,807 pages!
  • If 88 of my peers wrote a letter to me asking me to withdraw my consideration for the Supreme Court, I’d be so…embarrassed. Mortified. I’m so sensitive that when one of the ladies in Marketplace reprimanded me for not going through the line the proper way, I thought about it for weeks afterward. See? I’m still thinking about it. 
  • She’s a Republican, and I don’t hate myself.

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