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October 2020

What Your Favorite Halloween Candy Says About You

Hershey’s Chocolate Bar: Like any other Hershey’s candy, you’re probably really great at first, but you gradually become intolerable. 

Red Hot Tamales, Fun Dip, or Sour Punch Straws: You’re either an anarcho-communist or a radical right-wing terrorist.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: This is a good choice. You probably grew up in a suburb and played soccer, tennis, or lacrosse. Actually, I’m willing to bet you played all three.

Reese’s Pieces: You definitely bit people at the playground when you were younger– honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you still do. I bet you’re as unhygienic as the Reese’s Pieces dispenser at the local arcade that’s full of stale candy and old band-aids. 

Kit Kat: The only word that’s coming to mind is “silly.”

Starbursts: You’re good unless you like to get into heated arguments about which flavour is the best and drag it out for way too long. Wrap it up, Mitch McConell.

Snickers: Snickers are good, but they’re not that good, which makes me think you’re content with yourself and the world around you. Go find something to be mad about. Because you can still be you and be pissed off at everything, regardless if you’re hungry.

M&Ms: You’re either a five-year-old boy who loves matchbox cars or an adderall-addict. Maybe both. Who knows?

Normal Tootsie Rolls: Go back to the 1930s, Grandpa.

Flavoured Tootsie Rolls: Go to hell.

Junior Mints: Good choice, although your growth was probably stunted from the combination of the 1000% of your recommended daily sugar intake that was in each piece and the fumes from the mint.

Haribo Gummies:  There’s no way you haven’t studied abroad in Europe and then been super annoying about it ever since. If you haven’t yet, you probably will.

Skittles: You definitely like Spiderman and probably wish it was still 2007, but don’t we all?

Nerds: A combination of sugar and energy drinks keeps you up all night. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sleep. Seek professional help.

Milky Way: the nice, popular kid of candies; either you’re the same or you’re projecting.

Milk Duds: Aside from the abundance of cavities you’ve had– the number of which suggests you’ve gotten more than one on each tooth– you’re chilling. A little old-fashioned, maybe, but not necessarily in a bad way.

Whoppers: You either look like the guy from Monopoly or are 8-year-old me. Either way, bravo.

Runts: You have the same energy as a McDonald’s play structure. 

Blow Pops: You’re so weird, but you embrace it, and everyone loves you for it.

Sour Patch Kids: The food dye they pumped into this definitely messed you up a little, but you’re fun.

Airheads: Once your days of terrorizing your fourth and fifth grade classrooms are done, it’s over for you. Just admit you already peaked and move on. 

Dots: Interesting choice. You definitely like black olives and mayonnaise.

Smarties: Stop snorting the powder. 

Payday: You’re a Republican.

Swedish Fish: You probably bullied me.

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