October 2020

Top Reasons Why You Should Commit Voter Fraud this Election, and Our Handy How-to Guide

         In an impassioned plea this summer, Coach K got in front of a camera and urged anyone who was watching to go out and vote in the upcoming election. He said, “voting is the great equalizer. When we vote, we’re all equal.”

         It’s a great message. If we ignore the fact that every vote in Wyoming counts for three votes in California, it’s true! When we vote, we all count equally.

         So I’m proud to say that I count for five people.

         That’s right, I’m voting five times in this coming election. Now, I know you must have some questions, like “isn’t that voter fraud?” “is that illegal?” “could you go to jail for that?” As it turns out, the answers are “Yes,” “a felony, actually,” and “absolutely!”

         Not that you need any more convincing, but here are several more reasons why you too should commit voter fraud this election cycle.

  1. Between Covid, the supreme court seat, riots on the streets, and any number of other factors, this is undoubtedly one of the most important elections of our lifetime. You have a chance to make a significant difference if and only if you vote several times.
  1. You don’t want your grandparents voting with all their antiquated ideas and inability to use Zoom. Instead, tell them that the election has been pushed back one week to November 10th, then go and vote in their place.
  1. Support the post office! The more mail-in ballots you send in, the more you’re supporting your local USPS branches!
  1. Since voter fraud is technically a felony, you (probably hopefully) get to lower your Rice Purity Score.
  1. One free pen every time you vote in person!
  1. Everyone’s doing it. You’re actually putting yourself at a disadvantage and underrepresenting yourself if you don’t.
  1. Everyone’s doing it. Like, all the cool kids are doing it. Peer pressure.
  1. You can bet on both sides, so you always come out on top. Look… I’m not saying vote for Trump, but, if you do have five ballots to cast… seems like a shame to always vote for the same people.
  1. You can help even out the electoral college. One vote in the presidential election in Wyoming is roughly three times as valuable as one vote in North Carolina. The easy solution? Vote three times!

The best way to vote several times:

         As you’ve surely heard from that ad with Obama on YouTube, it’s crucial to make a plan to vote. Here is mine. Hopefully, you have enough time to follow along yourself:

  1. I requested a mail-in ballot from my home state of Virginia, from the address I had when I was in high school.
  2. I requested a mail-in ballot from my freshman year dorm. I picked it up from my mailbox and sent it in.
  3. Since my parents moved once I went to college, my new Virginia address is different. I drove up one weekend and voted early, in person.
  4. I voted early with my sophomore year address at the Karsh alumni center.
  5. I will vote in person on election day at a local Durham polling place with my current address.

         MOST IMPORTANTLY, I never took an “I voted” sticker. The government puts microchips in those to track you and keep voter records.

         If you use a different, legitimate address every time, they’re never going to find out. What’s the government going to do, cross reference your name with every other voter? Don’t be ridiculous. They can’t even make you show up for jury duty.

         In the absolute worst-case scenario, just tell the government official that tries to arrest you for voting multiple times that you just forgot, or you thought that the early voting site was just for practice. Cops tend to be pretty understanding and forgiving.

… This article might get me in trouble.

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