October 2020

President Price to Kiss All Students Due to Major Change to Duke Compact

With recent spikes in new cases across various states and the dreaded impending second wave, many have called for a new approach to the Compact. Even more so, with our political atmosphere hyper-polarized and national unity diminished, President Price thought it would be best to foster a deeper sense of community through a Duke Compact update, taking inspiration from the words of this country’s leader to encourage that unity.

           He announced that the SymMon app will no longer be used. Replacing it will be an even more comprehensive way to prove that a person is negative for the virus. Echoing President Trump’s movements at a recent rally, President Price will be patrolling campus and kissing all personnel to verify that they are safe from the virus.

When asked why he chose himself to be the tester, Price responded, “I’m the least COVID positive person in the room. I mean I can’t really see the people in the back and it’s kinda dark in here, but I can guarantee I’m the least COVID positive person in the room.” President Price was the only person in the room, as the interview was conducted remotely.

Students, though, have mixed opinions about the change. Many were protesting, advocating for a better acknowledgement of the systemic problems associated with the virus, and a complete overhaul of the policing of the viral spread. They called for reforms to Duke Housing, access to education, ability to acquire generational immunity, and promotion of diverse immune systems.

Other students, however, are taken aback by these changes and rallied for support for the President. President Price, that is. One of his supporters, sporting a “Make Alspaugh Great Again” hat, responded “I don’t know why they want so much attention for COVID. All viruses matter, really.”

No matter your take on this Compact change, it will definitely bring a lot of love and community back to the socially distant and desolate campus. Pucker up and stay safe, everyone.

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