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October 2020

Duke Students as Contestants on The Bachelorette

Dating at Duke is hard. Dating at Duke during a pandemic is even harder. Without the safety blankets of drunken nights at Shooters and Devine’s or sexual tension-filled eye contact on third floor Perkins, one might wonder if finding love is even possible.

A new, exclusive program from Duke University Union wants to change that: The Duke Bachelorette. Embracing the spirit of toxic heteronormativity, one lucky undergraduate woman will have the opportunity to be wooed by Duke’s best and brightest men. Staying true to the integrity of the franchise, here are your contestants:

  • The Guy Without a Real Job (he’s listed as a “free spirit”): You know that cute upperclassman who somehow is always at Marketplace? That’s the one. When he isn’t trying to bum a guest swipe off of unsuspecting first-years, he’s explaining why he’s “still figuring out what to major in” but he’s “really leaning towards English.”
  • The Guy with the Weird Gimmick When Exiting the Limo: During O Week, having an introductory spiel was key to avoiding awkward conversation. Two years later, it’s just annoying, and this guy hasn’t realized it yet. His only talent? Having the same exact conversation with every new person he meets…We get it. You have three cats and are a total nerd for econ.
  • The Guy Who’s Only in it for the Fantasy Suite: He’ll tell you that you’re “really special” and the “only one he’s talking to”, but when it’s finally time for his away formal, you somehow aren’t his date. But hey, that won’t stop him from convincing you to get him an invite to your sorority’s crush party.
  • The Aspiring Actor/Musician Who’s Just There For Self-Promo: Remember the ukulele kids from high school? The ones who think that everyone in the cafeteria wants to hear them stumble through a creaky rendition of “Riptide” by Vance Joy? Unfortunately, we remember them too. Their Duke equivalent? People who table on the BC Plaza. Dude, we promise you. No one wants to hear about your a cappella group.
  • The Guy Who Says Everyone Else is “There for the Wrong Reasons”: None of us got into Yale; that’s why we’re all at Duke. That won’t stop this man from constantly bringing up his high school GPA, AP course load, and standardized scores. Maybe it’s crippling imposter syndrome. Maybe it’s really f****** annoying.
  • The Guy Who Always Says, “Can I Steal You for a Second?”: He may seem like he genuinely wants to get to know you better, but don’t be fooled. This man just likes to hear himself talk. Case in point? He’s definitely the guy who asks your professor super nit-picky questions that don’t actually relate to the lecture, just to show he did the optional reading. Nothing fosters faux intimacy better than thinly-veiled peacocking. 
  • The Nerdy Underdog Who Makes it to the Final Four: He’s in Pratt.

You’ve met them—maybe you’ve even dated them, but quarantine still has you bored enough to have genuine interest in seeing how this all pans out. Tune in every Wednesday at 10:00PM (prime Shooters time, rip). Fill out this Google Form for the exclusive Zoom link.

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