October 2020

A Memoir from a Mask’s Diary: Halloween Night


Dear Diary,

The most unthinkable thing happened today. My Owner abandoned me! All day my Owner had been talking about going to this Halloween party – which was against the rules, let me remind you – and she planned on going dressed as a jack-o-lantern. Yeah, real creative. And on top of that, she had decided to wear this gut-wrenchingly hideous “mask” on her face instead of me!

At one point, she was on the phone with Jamie – that’s the really annoying one. The one that thinks the whole virus is a hoax. Anyways, I found myself eavesdropping on them. Oh, cut me some slack, Diary. Anyway, all they talked about was this party they were gonna go to. As they spoke, I swear to Fauci… my elastic bands almost fell off.

Their conversation went something like this:

Jamie: “So, I don’t know, are you going to like, wear your little COVID mask underneath your Halloween mask? Like that just seems a little weird.” 

A little weird!? That QAnon-worshipping bitch!

My Owner: “Jamie, I’m debating it. I don’t really know. I don’t want to, but I do want to stay safe, but…I don’t think it would be the same. I’m kinda sick of wearing that mask anyway.”

She clearly didn’t see the irony in that statement.

Jamie: “Oh come on! Just don’t wear it. You’ll be fine.”

My Owner: “Hmm…I’m not sure. Eh, why the hell not? It’s just a stupid mask anyway!”

That’s it, I’d had enough. Next time, I actually will trap CO2 in me and then see how you like it. Damn, now I know how Jessie felt in Toy Story 2. Alexa, play “When She Loved Me” on repeat.

I mean a plastic-ass Halloween mask over me? How could my Owner think such a thing? And it didn’t help that everywhere on TV I was reminded that other owners wear their masks all the time. Honestly, I needed some good ol’ fashioned TV with no freaking mention or showing of any masks or anything about the virus. Only then could I finally take my mind off of this whole thing. 

So yeah, Hannity and Tucker Carlson were great tonight! 

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