March 2021

You Definitely Don’t Need to Worry About the Contents of the Vaccine

Greek life may be dying at Duke, but there’s a new Key Three for us to talk about: Are you a Pfizer, Moderna, or Johnson & Johnson? Now that North Carolina is expanding eligibility to college students, pretty much everyone on-campus will get to join the elite class of vaccinated individuals.

That being said, vaccine hesitancy is real. It’s not just for Whole Foods-shopping, essential oil fanatic, stay-at-home moms. Since the FDA has only approved COVID-19 vaccines under emergency authorization, people of all ages—even college students—are wondering whether or not it’s safe to get jabbed.

Well, I have news for you. If you’re a Duke student, you do not need to be afraid of what’s in the vaccine. In fact, if you’ve done any of the following things, the COVID-19 vaccine should probably be afraid of you:

  • Set foot in Shooters II Saloon: Between the foggy mirror, sticky floor, and mechanical bull, every square inch of this establishment is covered in pathogens. Rumor has it that Kim Cates was directly recruited to help develop the J&J vaccine.
  • Gone to a Marketplace Theme Dinner: All you can eat? Chocolate fountains? Room temperature seafood buffets? This is as close as you can get to cruise ship-level microbial danger on Duke’s campus.
  • Purchased anything from L.B.: This is self explanatory. You don’t care about FDA approval when you’re buying an eight ball from this man—why do you suddenly care when it’s something that could save your life?
  • Studied between LL2 and Floor 1 in Perkins: I don’t know about you, but every time I enter Perkins, my throat immediately begins to close up and my eyes start watering. Maybe my allergies are just exceptionally bad, but I’m pretty confident that there’s some sort of SARS variant in the Stacks.
  • Ate a Pitchforks Haystack: These are not made of real food. Every single element that goes into a Haystack is chock full of artificial flavoring, food dyes, and synthetic ingredients. Plus, the side effects of destroying one of these are way worse than a day of fatigue.
  • Lived on Central Campus: I may be dating myself a bit, but those who remember Central likely remember the black mold that was unfortunately present in the concurrently asbestos-ridden apartments. Some call it biological warfare, I call it character building.
  • Gone through banking/consulting recruitment: Great! You’ve already sold your soul and likely given up all of your personal information. How could the vaccine be any worse?
  • Interacted with someone in Mirecourt: Yes, we all know that Greek life is toxic. But we also need to acknowledge that being in Mirecourt is an actual disease. Between the concerning levels of substance use, incestuous hook-up culture, and aversion to standard personal hygiene practices, this is the only social group that I truly believe could spread COVID via fist bump. At least frats pay someone to clean up after them.

As soon as you’re eligible to get the vaccine, go get it. I fucking hate needles and didn’t even feel the shot going into my arm (Moderna baby!). There’s nothing in this world I want more than to go to a bar (maybe even Shooters), get absurdly drunk, and beg the DJ to play Trisha Paytas. Don’t rob me of this experience.

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