March 2021

Study Reveals New Ways COVID Can Spread

As we all experienced a few weeks ago, Duke administration implemented a stay-in-place order for people living on campus in order to curb the spread of COVID-19 among students. A week later, though, it was lifted, and life is now pretty much the same as it was before. However, we here at Department Of believe that Duke should have extended lockdown because of a groundbreaking study that has recently come out.

A new study by Duke IFC (Investigative Forensic Catalogue) has shown us that COVID spreads much more easily than we all thought. In fact, this new study lists all the newly discovered ways that the virus can spread:

  •       Fist bumps: Although speculated before, this study confirms that coronavirus can spread through the sweat and crusty beer accumulated on frat boys’ fists
  •       Whispering: You might think it’s sexy to whisper in unsuspecting girls’ ears about the significance of your chapter, but don’t. It could give her the ‘rona, bro
  •       Elbow greetings: You thought close contact was bad? Hitting elbows with someone to greet them during the pandemic has contributed to many more cases than partying without masks. Source:
  •       Rushing: Literally. Like literally rushing to and from places. The increased velocity of a moving body can detach virus particles from one’s body and launch it towards other people, like a trebuchet
  •       Direct eye contact: A highly contagious method of spreading disease. This one’s even scarier because while wearing masks, eyes are the only part of the face still exposed. So honestly, it might make more sense to just not wear a mask, so that direct eye contact transmission can be curbed
  • Telekinesis: Even hypothetically thinking about someone else getting COVID can greatly increase their risk of actually contracting the disease. And according to the study, this way of spreading has the highest transmission rate, too. So in order to prevent further spreading of COVID, Duke IFC recommends not thinking about the possibility of other people catching the disease and not considering how one’s actions can affect the lives of other students

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