February 2021

The Armie Hammers of Duke

“I am 100% a cannibal.”

“Fuck. That’s scary to admit b”

“I’ve never admitted that before.”

On January 10th, 2021, those words were the shots heard around the world. The dramatic and utterly bizarre revelation that Armie Hammer could potentially be a cannibal? I couldn’t believe it. He was cookie-cutter Hollywood.

Yet, as I began connecting the dots, it all started to sound somewhat plausible. The Call Me By Your Name press tour moment when Hammer revealed that his poor Italian skills led him to accidentally order a completely raw steak (that he ate anyway out of embarrassment)? His known tendency to DM models on Instagram and unfollow them if they ignored him? Hammer’s self-proclaimed “feral” upbringing in the Cayman Islands where he contracted ringworm, not once, but four times? What previously seemed quirky anecdotes of an actor who’s “not like other A-listers” (B-listers?) started to feel like pieces of a sinister puzzle.

I asked myself: could there be Armie Hammers at Duke? Could cannibalism be a legitimate kink that the men of my dating pool were just not ready to admit? I thought back to every interaction I’ve ever had with a cis-het white male Duke student. 

Could it be the DSig boy I hooked up with freshman year? Despite his generic frat bro exterior, he seemed way too turned on when he bit my lip and accidentally drew blood. Or perhaps my current boyfriend, who eats his steaks far too rare for my taste? Either way, I’ve assembled a definitive guide to where you can find the Armie Hammers of Duke.

  1. JB’s Roasts and Chops: Have you ever ordered the flank steak from JB’s? Or maybe, in pre-COVID times, ordered one of the actual steaks? If so, you’ve noticed that they always come out entirely too bloody. If you spot a man eating one of these, you should be more than wary of just what else he might have a taste for.
  2. The Old Trinity Club and the Trident Society: We may only think about Duke’s secret societies a few times a year — normally when they’re standing in their sunglasses and robes on the quad by Perkins — but it’s worth bringing them up now. Hammer is rumoured to be part of an Eyes Wide Shut-style underground sex society. Old money, status, and influence…that’s an incubator for cannibalism fantasies if I’ve ever seen one.
  3. EVANTH 333L – The Human Body: What cannibal wouldn’t relish at the chance to dissect a cadaver? You can actually do that in this lab-based class that explores “gross anatomy from a functional and evolutionary perspective”. No wonder the lab is always missing some specimens.Want to get closer to the human body? Just be a pre-med student. 
  4. Literally any fraternity event ever: There’s no better place to find men that are more than willing to take advantage of a vulnerable woman both physically and emotionally than at an IFC event (especially one off-campus). If there are any morally-questionable, privileged men who have drifted into the realm of cannibalistic fantasy, they’re almost certainly in a frat.

Fine, let’s be real. There are (most likely) no Armie Hammers at Duke. Hammer has already been dropped by his publicist and his agency, as well as fired from his most recent projects. Here at Duke though, there’s no such thing as consequences for men who hurt women, whether physically or emotionally. 

But there are Armie Hammers in another sense. Cannibal aside, there’s a 95% chance that Hammer is an awful person who has been, at the least, emotionally abusive to his past partners. There’s also a 100% chance that the LA Times was forced to kill a recently planned exposé on Hammer and some other shitty men in Hollywood. Hammer will eventually walk away from these allegations, returning to his life as an old money man in a too-forgiving world. Sounds a lot like the outcome of any Duke sexual assault investigation.

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