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February 2021

Marriage Pact Couple Spotted Consummating New Relationship on Bryan Center Bench!

BREAKING! Your Marriage Pact match was your ex. Or maybe your match was really hot, but they left you on read after you sent them a pickup line about the French Revolution. Either way, they sucked. 

Unfortunately, not all of us were so unlucky. Earlier this week, our source spotted a couple sporting “I’M WITH STUPID” and “I’M STUPID” tees, uh, occupying a bench in the Bryan Center…and they were definitely not six feet apart (if you catch my drift). When I asked how our source knew that couple had discovered one another through the matchmaking service, he said that he recognized their lustful look–those big, round honeymoon-phase eyes tinged slightly with future regret, reserved only for Shooter’s hookups and, apparently, ideal future spouses (?)

Now, here at Dept. Of, we try our best not to pass judgement. I’m all for being with the person you want to be with. But…in the Bryan Center? Really? I mean, if the smell of Panda Express is what gets you in the mood…but couldn’t you have just walked to your dorm…or, like, snuck into the Gardens?

The culprits’ identities remain a mystery because, well, no one wants to look at that security footage (and can you blame them?!). However, our source did want me to tell our readers that he did report the incident to whoever’s in charge of that type of thing and that the benches are being removed for a very thorough cleaning. So maybe it’s not such a bad thing you have to stand up while you eat your grilled cheese from The Loop–I know I won’t look at that neon-colored pleather the same way ever again.

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