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February 2021

Let’s use this year to fix K-ville: Part 2

Covid has left many gaping voids in all of our lives. Duke students are missing Shooters, cheering for an above .500 basketball team, getting distracted in class by staring at their crushes in person rather than over zoom, and generally just having a positive outlook on life. All of these things, and so much more, are gone. Someone please help me, I’m not having fun. 

For a large contingent of Cameron Crazies, the most obvious thing missing this Spring semester are the hours spent tenting in K-ville. I miss every cold, wet, uncomfortable moment spent cursing out the line monitors. 

Speaking of those power-trippers, recent graduate and former line monitor Charlie Gelman released an article criticizing huge parts of their tenting process. Anyone out of the loop can read it here: http://charliegel.github.io/. This was a crazy article, where Charlie talked about his own experiences and released INTERNAL line mumbler data to roast the ineptitude of the system. Some are praising him as the Edward Snowden of tenting. Still others are saying, “who is Charlie Gelman?”

Charlie talked about a lot of things, including how their rush process is more of a popularity contest than about being a Crazie, how the average line moniker spends less time in K-ville per tenting season than the average white tenter (🤢 🤢), and how they do not get punished for doing less than their minimum required hours. 

Luckily, Department Of has infiltrated the ranks of the line leaders, and we have compiled a list of all of the rest of their most scandalous internal practices.

  1. Gelman’s article said the average line licker spends only 7 hours per week in K-ville (compared to 36 for black tenters, 20 for blue, and 11 for white). However, they spend a whole 13 hours per week just staring at themselves in the mirror with those gameday striped overalls on! Think about all that time that could be instead spent terrorizing the study tent. 
  2. The article says that line manglers who fail to meet internal requirements actually face no consequences and can still go to the UNC game. This is false. While they are allowed to go to the game, afterwards, Crazy Towel Guy gets to spank them with a ruler once for every requirement they missed. You can decide for yourself whether this is a punishment or actually a reward.
  3. Charlie also ran the numbers and found that the average line laborer actually does the minimum amount of work required of them. Sure, several of them love K-ville and go above and beyond, but on average they try to just scrape by. This checks out, since the average line laborer is also a Polisci major. 
  4. He also talks about their 2am test: during the line lagger application process, they ask themselves “would I like to run a 2am check with this person,” making the application a popularity contest rather than about commitment to K-ville and Duke basketball. However, he failed to mention their 3am test: they also ask themselves, “after the 2am tent check, would I want this person to join me in our 3am cult ritual of sacrificing a virgin (BME major) while doing satanic chants?”
  5. Speaking of low commitment to Duke basketball, most lick leaders, the ones who are supposed to be the stewards of K-ville and the most rabid basketball fans, cannot even spell Kyrwezzewyski. They also still tie their shoes with the bunny ears method and haven’t figured out how to walk and chew gum at the same time. 

Of course, all of the head line monitors and VP’s of tenting read Charlie Gelman’s article. Once they saw his well-articulated arguments supported by compelling statistics and anecdotes, they realized they had an issue and started making changes to improve the line leaders and make tenting a more equitable system.

Ha! Of course they didn’t! Why would they change a system that gives them all the power and doesn’t make them do any work? Nothing has changed. It’s like 2008 all over again, except worse; I would rather live in a country where 1% of bankers own 99% of the nation’s wealth than at a University where line lickers spend less time in K-ville than white tenters.  Luckily, I get to do both!

Clearly, the LM system is rife with issues that may be difficult to fix. Now comes the time where I have to get political and make statements regarding the two most important issues facing our country: make the line monitors tent, and legalize recreational cocaine!

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