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February 2021

EvAnth Department Advises Duke on COVID Response, Proposes Pilot “FUCK IT” Program

           A few weeks ago, our favorite Marriage Pact couple Mary Pat McMahon and Gary Bennett gave us advice on how to better prevent the spread of the virus on campus. It was insightful, down-to-earth, incredibly poorly edited, overly dramatic, and straight up cute. But cute doesn’t cut it. In the end, students will do what they want to do. Drastic measures (not two masks — that’s just extra) must be taken.

           Recently, Department Of learned that campus administration has contacted the Evolutionary Anthropology Department for help on how to deal with this matter. When asked why, the administration stated that they believe the EvAnth department has valuable scientific insights on the historical spread of diseases and human adaptation to past pandemics. We have no idea what that means either, but an insider from Duke administration (who chose not to be named, but we’ll call them Lary Vennett) revealed that their plan was simple:

           “The Evolutionary Anthropology department told us to start giving all students and faculty a personal health kit, which they call the Fool-proof Unanticipated Coronavirus response pacKage for Intense siTuations, aka FUCK IT. Basically, if people don’t want to follow guidelines, FUCK IT. We’ll let natural selection do its thing.” Department Of has gained exclusive knowledge that the FUCK IT kit comes with a leftover oxygen mask from the airport, hand sanitizer that kills 69% of bacteria, and a legal notice preventing coronavirus from entering one’s body. The plan is now facing final peer review from the board of trustees before the FUCK IT kits are manufactured for Duke students.

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