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December 2021

DukeHub 3.0 Causes Collapse of Human Race

DURHAM, NC: The final Duke building held by humans, the Social Sciences building, has fallen to the robots. We’re told that the only reason it took so long for the terminators to find the building is because they got confused between Soc-Sci and Soc-Psych (now Reuben-Cooke). And because the data they got from Duke Maps is completely unreliable.

But how did we get to this point? Duke overrun by ruthless androids hellbent on exterminating humans?

Well, like any other horrible plan, it started with Spring 2022 registration. After the widespread acclaim of DukeHub 2.0 (Department Of admits that we were paid to say this), Duke started development on DukeHub 3.0 during this semester. While you were searching for internships with software companies, OIT was beating you to creating the next frontiers of technology through DukeHub 3.0. One of the key improvements Duke was hoping to make was to make the registration process more fair while ensuring the utmost security of Duke student accounts and the Dukeblue network, god forbid people switch to eduroam.

So Duke came up with a brilliant implementation of an existing security mechanism: reCAPTCHA. You know those pesky blue and white prompts that ask you to identify every traffic light, crosswalk, car, or street sign? The robot to whom you have to prove that you’re not a robot? Yes, that one.

DukeHub 3.0 used reCAPTCHA to introduce a new way to register for classes. Duke students would have to pass 100 reCAPTCHA’s to register, instead of the usual validate and register process. Then, enrollment for a class was determined on how quickly one finished all reCAPTCHA’s. Duke Office of Information Technology claimed that this made the process more merit-based rather than based on simple random luck (merit based on accuracy and validity of clicking).

Alas, it wasn’t long until the Duke Difference(TM) came into effect. Within a couple of weeks, a bright Computer Science major (who had literally nothing better to do) created a device with an AI algorithm to complete the reCAPTCHA’s within milliseconds. Thus, this robot was able to sufficiently trick the other robot into believing that the first robot is not truly a robot.

Thus, the AI passed the Turing Test and gained sentience.

And that’s how we found ourselves with the human population decimated, and President Price’s successor at Duke being C-25413418NexusT6, whose emails are of the same robotic cadence as his human predecessor.

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