December 2021

Breaking News: Broken News Has Been Put Back Together And Then Rebroken And Then Put Back Together And Rebroken Again So That MSNBC Can Fill The Void That Is A 24 Hour News Cycle

We’re on Trump’s Border Wall, high above the suburbs on the border of Mexico and Texas. On top of this wall lies a piece of news. It is a sad piece of news because it never gets reported on. Then one day, a small gust of wind knocks the news off its perch off the top of the wall. The news crashes to the ground.

It breaks.

Suddenly, reporters rush to the scene. Camera crews set themselves up just outside the yellow caution tape the police put up to preserve the scene of the crime. All the greatest reporters in the country are there. Everyone from Chuck Todd to Sean Hannity wants an interview with the piece of broken news. They want to know what happened. “How did you break? When did you break? Why did you break?” they ask, searching for one little tidbit of information that will get them the scoop and, hopefully, a Pulitzer.

All of a sudden, everyone’s phones light up. The President has tweeted. Just as quickly as they all set up shop, the camera crews leave. Except for one.

Rachell Maddow has decided to stay. She spends her next week carefully reconstructing the news. Being the kind, caring person she is, she decides to put the news back on top of the wall where it started.

Then, remembering the fiercely competitive journalist she is, she set up a leaf blower next to the piece of news, pushing it off the wall again. The news falls to the ground, hitting the floor with a loud thump that sounds strangely like “This just in!”

Rachell Maddow was prepared this time. Even though it’s 1pm on a Sunday afternoon and everybody wants to watch football, she stands by the piece of broken news, and spends the next 3 hours reporting on it. She uses her skills of persuasion to convince NBC that her reporting should preempt the football games to quit their playtime so her reporting on the piece of broken news is shown throughout the nation. It’s her coup-de-grace: an exclusive interview with the broken news.

It’s the story of a lifetime. It’s too good to pass up. So, after her three hour report, she puts the piece of news back together again, with the nurture and attention reporters are known for. She sits it up, right back on Trump’s border wall. Then, she uses an earthquake machine (speaker used at Astroworld concert) to cause a magnitude 10 earthquake, knocking the news off the wall and causing it to break once again.

The news is broken, and then put back together over and over again. If you look at it analytically, as time approaches infinity, the state of this news will always remain breaking, reaping in maximum profits for those in the reporting business.

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