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DDO Issues January 2022

January 2022

January 2022

A self esteemroller.

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January 2022

The Dilemma of Mathematicians: DTF or Not?

Today, a team of mathematicians at Duke University has uploaded a preprint to arXiv.org outlining the “Differential Tinder Function” (DTF). DTF claims to, given descriptions of a person, yield an absolute limit on the number of Tinder dates that person can have in the rest of their life.

DTF(u), where u is a person, uses innovative methods from machine learning, combinatorics, and differential geometry to make its predictions. While the data used to derive DTF(u) was drawn from Tinder, Laurie Ipsom, a graduate student working on the project, says the general principles should apply to most dating apps, perhaps with slight variations. When asked whether DTF applied to real life, Ipsom gave a blank stare and went back to scribbling on the chalkboard.

However, DTF may be much more important than what that graduate student made it out to be. Miraculously, the same team made further discoveries linking DTF to a special unsolved case of the Riemann zeta function. To this end, the American Mathematical Society has provided a $1,000 prize for solving this case and has encouraged all mathematicians to “research the DTF vigorously.”

While already available as a preprint, the paper is awaiting formal review from the Journal of Combinatorial Optimization. Department Of has learned that the Duke Mathematical Journal refused to print the piece, after Reviewer 2 referred to it as “a mass of utter nonsense, including personal attacks on me and — er, mainly my other colleagues.” However, if it were approved, the paper would have massive implications on the state of online dating. Primarily, the maximality constraint would confirm that the maximum number of Tinder dates a person can get is fixed at 2048.

Upon initial review, researchers at Princeton University commended Duke for creating a large-class predictor applicable to large-scale networks such as college campuses and charter schools. However, they claim Duke’s algorithm is simply not robust enough.

“While the DTF has plenty of potential to demonstrate one’s capacity for relationships, it’s clear that the bounds predicted by DTF are far higher than the observed number of dates through our experiments,” said Princeton researcher Laurence Killjoy.

“One of our test subjects, Kevin, upon learning his DTF value, thought his dating life would be more exciting than it actually was. He thought he would get 72 dates, when he actually got 7.2 (the 0.2 was from a girl that canceled on her way to the date due to her aunt’s dog’s half birthday. At least, that’s what she told Kevin.). Millions of lone romantics like Kevin could suffer upon learning an unrealistic value.”

Upon reading the paper, Duke math student and certified horndog Jake Mauri has attempted to prove science wrong by testing the DTF’s limit. “I’ve been on Tinder since 2015 and I don’t plan to stop now. If there’s anything my parents taught me, it’s to be an example for others. Well, I’ve never really listened to my parents. I know we need only one counterexample to disprove the DTF, and I’m going to be that counterexample.” Upon visiting Mauri’s dorm, we found his room to be covered in vending machine condom wrappers and a fully-marked 2022 calendar with his plan to date 500 people before January 2023. Now that’s a real New Year’s resolution.

The stage has been set for what could be one of the most shocking discoveries of the 21st century. But as Jake Mauri so eloquently put it: why don’t you discover some bitches, bro?

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January 2022

CDC Issues Correction: COVID Cases Graph is Actually Dr. Fauci’s Heart Monitor Reading

WASHINGTON, DC – Doctors and medical staff all over the country are upset over the latest discovery that the most recent graph of COVID-19 cases published by the CDC wasn’t generated using the number of cases of COVID-19 over the past 14 days. Rather, it was based on data from Dr. Anthony Fauci’s Apple Watch, which was tracking his heart rate.

The discovery was made last week when Dr. Fauci announced he would be slightly late to work because of his morning jog. An intern noticed that immediately after this announcement, the COVID-19 cases were rising like never before. “At first, I thought this would be another spike from our testing numbers, but this was too much even by the most catastrophic estimates.” After bringing this up, CDC members scoffed at the intern. When do interns ever know what they’re doing? Our intern surely doesn’t.

However, this trend continued again the next day when Dr. Fauci texted the group that he’d be leaving work slightly early to get some reps in. The intern noticed again that as Dr. Fauci left for his CrossFit™ class, the number of COVID cases went through the roof. “What could possibly be causing this mass spike?,” the intern thought. A concert? Black Friday? Another mass shortage of toilet paper? No – none of that had gone trending on Twitter, so it had to be something else.

When he was eventually confronted by the intern, Dr. Fauci said he couldn’t hide it any longer and took off his shirt in dramatic fashion, revealing his abs. “I’ve gotta come clean with you,” he told the intern. “When you’re trying to beat one of the world’s most infectious diseases, you have to be in top performance, both mentally and physically.” I mean, he was nominated for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for a reason, people.

The intern cried out “But what about the people that need you here to spread information?” Dr. Fauci put on his Ray-Bans and said “Son, we aren’t going to spread the word and prevent the spread of COVID unless we get ready to fight those who are spreading it in the first place.” Dr. Fauci then got ready to do a dramatic exit. “No one said I couldn’t kick both COVID-19 and anti-vaxxers in the ass. So I’m gonna go kick some ass.” He then proceeded to jump out the second floor window and land in his Ferrari, after which he drove away into the sunset. Dr. Fauci is now on the road ready to fight anti-vaxxers, starting with former WWE commentator and current podcast host Joe Rogan in a fight next month. The winner will be crowned “Big Shot” and the loser will read off information from his opponent on their respective news source. The CDC intern who first reported this story has quit his job to follow Dr. Fauci as he takes on unvaccinated Americans like a true goddamn American.

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January 2022

The Struggles of a Wealthy Student at Duke

  • They don’t let my servant pick up my food for me.
  • Someone always takes the Tesla Supercharger before me.
  • I have to wait 3 hours before my movers finish moving my stuff.
  • The Wi-Fi cuts out when I board the C1. At least my 6G works.
  • The Panera (or whatever you people call it) doesn’t offer Bagel Tuesday.
  • I don’t get my own bathroom in the dormitories (do people actually call them “dorms”?)
  • The professor doesn’t give me the answer key even after my father funded his lab.
  • Calling Duke HRL is nothing like the room service back home.
  • For some reason, growth on my Instagram fanpage has plateaued.
  • The dishwasher I brought to my room doesn’t work efficiently. He said he doesn’t respond well to pressure.
  • The housekeeping staff give me weird looks when I give them my trash bags
  • All the clothing stores in Durham are too poor
  • TA’s don’t like to be referred to as tutors
  • The Lobby Shop doesn’t carry the good makeup
  • The crepes here are a 2/5 at best. Nothing compared to the ones from France.
  • Filet mignon? Please, you might as well have served me a leather shoe. At least the polish on my Guccis has some flavor in it.
  • The LSRC is too farrr. And Uber XLs take too long.
  • My tuition doesn’t feel high enough to match the prestige of Duke.
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January 2022

Duke Announces New Sociological Study that Studies Sociology Students

“We live in a society, right? That’s an undeniable fact. So what better way to study the effects of social interaction than to study the very people who study the effects of social interaction on people?” explained the leading Studier of Undergraduate Studies (SUS) at the Department Of Sociology, Professor Suzie Awlogie. “We believe that the particular way in which sociology majors forge relationships and create communities can give us very insightful insight into how they go about studying how humanity as a whole creates relationships and forges communities.”

Gathering the opinions of the actual students being studied was more difficult for us here at Department Of. Many would explain that they couldn’t talk to us, since they had likely signed NDAs, or Never Discuss Academia contracts. Others would simply walk past us, probably mistaking us for actual journalists, unlike the Chronicle. The vast majority, however, would ask us in confusion, “You guys are with Duke Department Of? Department Of what?” These students clearly didn’t get the joke.

One student, however, chimed in with his take on the study: “I strongly agree with the perspective that society is a social construct.” He added, “This will be on the record, correct?”

Duke plans to continue this introspective look into its own academic departments, according to Chairman of the Vice Provost of the Office of Student Affairs, Activities, and Happenings Dr. Dean. In fact, the office plans to conduct a new departmental analysis every month, so you can be sure that Duke takes its self-examination very seriously.

Next month, we were told, researchers will tackle the Duke Department Of .

 

No, that wasn’t a typo. That was the joke.