DDO Issues February 2022

February 2022


February 2022

You Can’t See Duke’s Newest Theater Production Because It’s Performed Entirely Backstage

Just when you think the theater department was going wild with its recent production of Monty Python and the Holy Latte, it’s going one more step further by presenting an entirely new mainstage theater production without the main stage. No Love, No Information, directed by an ensemble student group, plans to capture the feelings of “absence” we don’t talk about such as “your parents arguing in the other room,” “your high school crush leaving you to stand alone outside of a Red Lobster,” or “trying to find room 128 of the Bryan Center” for an engrossing, anticipatory 120 minute performance.

The directors declined our offer for us to sit in on a showing of No Love, No Information, even though one of our reporters desperately needed to attend this play to pass his writing class. However, Department Of was able to secure an interview with the five – count ‘em, five – directors of the piece today.

One director, Beck Stage, explained the inspiration behind No Love, No Information. “Well, of course, it’s inspired by Caryl Churchill’s play Love and Information, which is remarkable for its minimal context and room for discovery.” Our reporter nodded, pretending to know who Caryl Churchill was. “We decided to take this one step further,” continued Stage, “by creating for the audience the obfuscation Churchill creates for us: by having the production entirely backstage.”

The audience will experience the “haunting absence of the actors and technical effects,” according to another director. “They won’t be able to hear or see them,” the director confirmed. “We think this will really be a breakthrough in the theatrical world and are in communication with a few theater festivals about taking this national.” “National?!” director number 3 cried. “If this revolutionary piece of art doesn’t make its way to Edinburgh, then what are we here for?!” The directors proceeded to debate against themselves to the point where our reporter had traumatic flashbacks to his PubPol classes.

“Lights!” “Sound Effects!” “LIGHTS!!!” “SOUND EFFECTS!!!”, continued directors 4 and 5. Our reporter quickly jotted down on his notepad: “Is this what a filibuster feels like?” At this point, the stage manager, Nida Pencyl, who was quietly seething with anger in the corner, decided to flip her executive table and told all the directors to go home. Poor stage manager. Our reporter said “that she clearly had enough” and upon further interviewing her, she reported that she “deals with this every day.”

“You should have been here the day of the Great Prop Conflict,” Pencyl said, shaking her head. When pressed for details, Pencyl shuddered and would only reveal two things: one, that there was a fake skull involved, and two, that Beck Stage had been formally prohibited from bringing blueberry jam – or indeed any flavor of that delicious condiment – to rehearsal ever again. “We check his backpack,” Pencyl stated.

It may surprise readers to know that the all-backstage play has a full cast of seventeen actors, including all two of the department’s current majors. “Yeah, they’ve really started to work together as a unit,” said a director. “I mean that seriously. They all go to the bathroom at the same time and everything. We’re starting to get concerned.” Yeah, us too.

Nonetheless, Department Of looks forward to the production of No Love, No Information, but we do wonder: If the production is supposed to be out of sight and earshot of the audience, can one enjoy it without even going to the theater?

“No,” confirmed all five directors. “You have to buy a ticket.”

February 2022

K-Ville Confidential

Tenting is over, the game of the season is almost here, and Department Of has a new list for you! Welcome to K-Ville Confidential – the things people do in their tents and never tell you about. Department Of was able to obtain this information via extensive undercover reporting direct from K-Ville (meaning that we’re tent #69). We used an extremely high level of journalistic integrity – the level you’ve come to expect from a website that triggers a security warning if you try to view it from a mobile device.

Six things people do in their tent and never tell you about:

  • A party full of seniors took place in one tent! That’s right, 12 Duke alumni from the classes of 1970 to 1980, decided to take over one of the tents at K-Ville for the day, courtesy of the Durham Center of Senior Life. The seniors were observed playing bridge and cribbage, comparing recipes, and sharing photos of their grandchildren, some of whom are now Duke students themselves.
  • One tent’s interior is entirely full of papier-mâché statues based on Edvard Munch’s The Scream. No member of the tenting group is ever in the tent, but rumors speculate that when tent checks are called, the papier-mâché statues come to life, check in with the line monitors, and then go back to sleep in the tent, where they await the next bell toll, the next siren, undisturbed by other signs of life. Department Of projects that the group will gain access to the Duke-UNC game.
  • The northernmost tent will forge Canadian visas for a small fee so students can raid RJ Barrett’s house.
  • Got milk? Yeah, you do. But have you got the purest milk in all of North Carolina? Durham’s finest milk speakeasy is right here in K-Ville and if one drinks it, their presence will immediately intimidate their enemy – pure sigma culture. Go to the tent with the cardboard cow on top and use the secret passphrase “Pasture, not Pasteur” to be let into a whole new world of dairy.
  • A local fraternity is making new records by setting to create the largest White Claw tower. They’ve consumed approximately 500 white claws to date and their tower stands at an outstanding 4 x 4 x 30. And be careful – they will kill you if you topple it over.
  • Some tenters have been known to use the privacy of the tent to do some very naughty things. That’s right, it’s the s word: submit transfer applications to UNC (because they’ve had enough of the chem department). After all, what kind of college makes you pay for dorms and then compete for the privilege of not sleeping in them?
February 2022

An Anthropological Evolution Of Evolutionary Anthropology Majors

February 2022

Dear My Professors Who Gave Out Midterms On Valentine’s Day

Dear my professors who gave out, daresay,
Dreaded midterms to their students, on Valentine’s Day:
Why did you make so many assignments due?
That’s not what I meant when I said I want something (or someone) to do.

The love of knowledge must surely know its bounds
when the season of romance comes back around.
Because when I reflect on my English class, and think back on it
I don’t expect to read to my date a Shakespearean sonnet

You gave me a test, February 14th, at the worst possible time.
Any take home midterm due at midnight that day should be a crime
Because instead of having dinner-for-two at our regular spot,
I’m reading all about DNA transcription as my brain slowly rots.

When did you decide to stab us in the back?
Has your heart turned black and cold in dismay?
Surely empathy is what you lack
If you watch in glee as our free time decays.

Did you allow some hours for us college students to goof?
Or did you expect us to spend that night working on proofs?
Did you plan on acknowledging the young hearts looking to mingle?
Or did you assume that we’d be just like you this year: single?

Now that it has come to the end of my monotonous day,
I just have a couple things I’d like to anonymously say:

I hope your internet goes down at your house.
I hope the nearby frat takes your inner peace and rocks it.
I hope a mouse invades your department lounge.
I hope your dog eats all your chocolates.

Duke Confessions Admin

Dated February 15th, 2022, 3:27AM.