BREAKING! Your Marriage Pact match was your ex. Or maybe your match was really hot, but they left you on read after you sent them a pickup line about the French Revolution. Either way, they sucked.
Unfortunately, not all of us were so unlucky. Earlier this week, our source spotted a couple sporting “I’M WITH STUPID” and “I’M STUPID” tees, uh, occupying a bench in the Bryan Center…and they were definitely not six feet apart (if you catch my drift). When I asked how our source knew that couple had discovered one another through the matchmaking service, he said that he recognized their lustful look–those big, round honeymoon-phase eyes tinged slightly with future regret, reserved only for Shooter’s hookups and, apparently, ideal future spouses (?)
Now, here at Dept. Of, we try our best not to pass judgement. I’m all for being with the person you want to be with. But…in the Bryan Center? Really? I mean, if the smell of Panda Express is what gets you in the mood…but couldn’t you have just walked to your dorm…or, like, snuck into the Gardens?
The culprits’ identities remain a mystery because, well, no one wants to look at that security footage (and can you blame them?!). However, our source did want me to tell our readers that he did report the incident to whoever’s in charge of that type of thing and that the benches are being removed for a very thorough cleaning. So maybe it’s not such a bad thing you have to stand up while you eat your grilled cheese from The Loop–I know I won’t look at that neon-colored pleather the same way ever again.
Covid has left many gaping voids in all of our lives. Duke students are missing Shooters, cheering for an above .500 basketball team, getting distracted in class by staring at their crushes in person rather than over zoom, and generally just having a positive outlook on life. All of these things, and so much more, are gone. Someone please help me, I’m not having fun.
For a large contingent of Cameron Crazies, the most obvious thing missing this Spring semester are the hours spent tenting in K-ville. I miss every cold, wet, uncomfortable moment spent cursing out the line monitors.
Speaking of those power-trippers, recent graduate and former line monitor Charlie Gelman released an article criticizing huge parts of their tenting process. Anyone out of the loop can read it here: http://charliegel.github.io/. This was a crazy article, where Charlie talked about his own experiences and released INTERNAL line mumbler data to roast the ineptitude of the system. Some are praising him as the Edward Snowden of tenting. Still others are saying, “who is Charlie Gelman?”
Charlie talked about a lot of things, including how their rush process is more of a popularity contest than about being a Crazie, how the average line moniker spends less time in K-ville per tenting season than the average white tenter (🤢 🤢), and how they do not get punished for doing less than their minimum required hours.
Luckily, Department Of has infiltrated the ranks of the line leaders, and we have compiled a list of all of the rest of their most scandalous internal practices.
Of course, all of the head line monitors and VP’s of tenting read Charlie Gelman’s article. Once they saw his well-articulated arguments supported by compelling statistics and anecdotes, they realized they had an issue and started making changes to improve the line leaders and make tenting a more equitable system.
Ha! Of course they didn’t! Why would they change a system that gives them all the power and doesn’t make them do any work? Nothing has changed. It’s like 2008 all over again, except worse; I would rather live in a country where 1% of bankers own 99% of the nation’s wealth than at a University where line lickers spend less time in K-ville than white tenters. Luckily, I get to do both!
Clearly, the LM system is rife with issues that may be difficult to fix. Now comes the time where I have to get political and make statements regarding the two most important issues facing our country: make the line monitors tent, and legalize recreational cocaine!
From ancient Greece reigned Sappho,
Lyrical lesbian, poet extrodinare
Wooing women with poems, with violets
With just a twirl of her long, brown hair.
But Sappho’s poems were fragmented and old
Unfit for the readers of today,
The lesbians needed someone new, someone bold
A fresh icon to sweep them all away.
TikTok saw her sing “Born this way,”
And met her with a chorus of “hey mamas”
She refuted with a post to say “I’m taken,”
Confessing her love of her (one-month) girlfriend for the drama.
A new force for the (L)GBT,
JoJo Siwa came (out) onto the scene.
With a bow-adorned high ponytail swinging,
Jojo exuded both power and a new beginning.
This is an ode to you, dear JoJo
May you live and love happily as you tote the (rain)bow.
Cheers! To the newest d*ke on the scene,
And all hail our new lyrical lesbian queen!
“I am 100% a cannibal.”
“Fuck. That’s scary to admit b”
“I’ve never admitted that before.”
On January 10th, 2021, those words were the shots heard around the world. The dramatic and utterly bizarre revelation that Armie Hammer could potentially be a cannibal? I couldn’t believe it. He was cookie-cutter Hollywood.
Yet, as I began connecting the dots, it all started to sound somewhat plausible. The Call Me By Your Name press tour moment when Hammer revealed that his poor Italian skills led him to accidentally order a completely raw steak (that he ate anyway out of embarrassment)? His known tendency to DM models on Instagram and unfollow them if they ignored him? Hammer’s self-proclaimed “feral” upbringing in the Cayman Islands where he contracted ringworm, not once, but four times? What previously seemed quirky anecdotes of an actor who’s “not like other A-listers” (B-listers?) started to feel like pieces of a sinister puzzle.
I asked myself: could there be Armie Hammers at Duke? Could cannibalism be a legitimate kink that the men of my dating pool were just not ready to admit? I thought back to every interaction I’ve ever had with a cis-het white male Duke student.
Could it be the DSig boy I hooked up with freshman year? Despite his generic frat bro exterior, he seemed way too turned on when he bit my lip and accidentally drew blood. Or perhaps my current boyfriend, who eats his steaks far too rare for my taste? Either way, I’ve assembled a definitive guide to where you can find the Armie Hammers of Duke.
Fine, let’s be real. There are (most likely) no Armie Hammers at Duke. Hammer has already been dropped by his publicist and his agency, as well as fired from his most recent projects. Here at Duke though, there’s no such thing as consequences for men who hurt women, whether physically or emotionally.
But there are Armie Hammers in another sense. Cannibal aside, there’s a 95% chance that Hammer is an awful person who has been, at the least, emotionally abusive to his past partners. There’s also a 100% chance that the LA Times was forced to kill a recently planned exposé on Hammer and some other shitty men in Hollywood. Hammer will eventually walk away from these allegations, returning to his life as an old money man in a too-forgiving world. Sounds a lot like the outcome of any Duke sexual assault investigation.
A few weeks ago, our favorite Marriage Pact couple Mary Pat McMahon and Gary Bennett gave us advice on how to better prevent the spread of the virus on campus. It was insightful, down-to-earth, incredibly poorly edited, overly dramatic, and straight up cute. But cute doesn’t cut it. In the end, students will do what they want to do. Drastic measures (not two masks — that’s just extra) must be taken.
Recently, Department Of learned that campus administration has contacted the Evolutionary Anthropology Department for help on how to deal with this matter. When asked why, the administration stated that they believe the EvAnth department has valuable scientific insights on the historical spread of diseases and human adaptation to past pandemics. We have no idea what that means either, but an insider from Duke administration (who chose not to be named, but we’ll call them Lary Vennett) revealed that their plan was simple:
“The Evolutionary Anthropology department told us to start giving all students and faculty a personal health kit, which they call the Fool-proof Unanticipated Coronavirus response pacKage for Intense siTuations, aka FUCK IT. Basically, if people don’t want to follow guidelines, FUCK IT. We’ll let natural selection do its thing.” Department Of has gained exclusive knowledge that the FUCK IT kit comes with a leftover oxygen mask from the airport, hand sanitizer that kills 69% of bacteria, and a legal notice preventing coronavirus from entering one’s body. The plan is now facing final peer review from the board of trustees before the FUCK IT kits are manufactured for Duke students.