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DDO Issues December 2021

December 2021

December 2021 Cover

A cotton swab going up a nose
Poor test swab 🙁
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December 2021

New Student Group “Blue Devil’s Advocate” Sparks Campus Outrage

On a windy Tuesday morning, Pratt junior Ryan Dunman enters the Perkins Library COVID testing center on the way to his 10:15. The nursing staff and nearby students immediately stop in their tracks, gasping through their N95s at the spectacle before them. No, not at Dunman’s *robust* 6’3” frame, nor his eyebrows that remain dangerously close to touching.

It’s his XL white shirt with a crossed-out picture of a syringe and the words “MY BODY, MY CHOICE.” He smiles proudly, which everyone sees because he’s unmasked.

This isn’t Dunman’s first time in a situation like this. As the founder and president of Blue Devil’s Advocate, Dunman has visited numerous testing centers around campus in this same outfit, excited for the reactions that ensue from his peers.

“Duke students are in the midst of a major identity crisis. People will just believe whatever other people tell them, and that is a violation to our basic human right to own our own opinions. We think Blue Devil’s Advocate is the solution to this widespread injustice.”

Dunman was eventually escorted from the premises by a Duke Security staff member.

Club Treasurer Grant Pierce considers Blue Devil’s Advocate to be a “unique, interdisciplinary opportunity” that revolutionizes the way we talk about current issues.” It sparks, as he believes, “courageous conversation” through exposing others to egregiously opposite and sometimes controversial topics, usually at unexpected times among the unknowing and unenthused.

“We don’t actually believe in any of that shit,” Pierce chuckles. “No, that would be crazy. But we think by voicing those diverse perspectives so often silenced through crippling institutional bias, we can reinforce the moral strength of character among our peers that our corrupt campus culture works so tirelessly to take from us.”

Despite its bold intentions, the new organization has been met with less-than-ideal responses. “It was awful,” says freshman GSF and Public Policy double major Paul Zheng, “I was in a Zoom for my Gender Studies first year seminar, and this guy who I’ve never seen in my life joins the call, and said, ‘So if what you’re saying is true, how do I know what pronouns to give my pet rock?’ Before anyone could say anything, man just up and left the Zoom.” The Blue Devil’s Advocate member who attended the class, Zheng, assures that he had full permission to be there, although the professor of the course refused to weigh in on the matter.

“To be confused was an understatement,” says Alice Phillips, an executive member of the Environmental Majors Union. “Last night I received an email from an unknown NetID with a list of 100 links to articles from climate change denying organizations. I tried going to OIT to trace back the email, but my files were encrypted and eventually my entire hard drive was wiped out. It just makes no sense why and how someone would do such a thing.”

Numerous students have voiced their complaints in response to Blue Devil’s Advocate. SOFC President  Drew Flanagan recalls “no knowledge of ever hearing about or chartering this group” and calls it “a problematic parasite in our attempts to create a more safe and inclusive campus.” Yet, even with the many attempts to shut the club down, it seems that Blue Devil’s Advocate has its own small but tenacious group of, well, advocates, who refuse to change the organization’s current status as a “necessary disruption to the soul-sucking monotony of 21st-century late-adolescent development.” Whether or not administrative action is taken, Blue Devil’s Advocate doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon.

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December 2021

Breaking News: Broken News Has Been Put Back Together And Then Rebroken And Then Put Back Together And Rebroken Again So That MSNBC Can Fill The Void That Is A 24 Hour News Cycle

We’re on Trump’s Border Wall, high above the suburbs on the border of Mexico and Texas. On top of this wall lies a piece of news. It is a sad piece of news because it never gets reported on. Then one day, a small gust of wind knocks the news off its perch off the top of the wall. The news crashes to the ground.

It breaks.

Suddenly, reporters rush to the scene. Camera crews set themselves up just outside the yellow caution tape the police put up to preserve the scene of the crime. All the greatest reporters in the country are there. Everyone from Chuck Todd to Sean Hannity wants an interview with the piece of broken news. They want to know what happened. “How did you break? When did you break? Why did you break?” they ask, searching for one little tidbit of information that will get them the scoop and, hopefully, a Pulitzer.

All of a sudden, everyone’s phones light up. The President has tweeted. Just as quickly as they all set up shop, the camera crews leave. Except for one.

Rachell Maddow has decided to stay. She spends her next week carefully reconstructing the news. Being the kind, caring person she is, she decides to put the news back on top of the wall where it started.

Then, remembering the fiercely competitive journalist she is, she set up a leaf blower next to the piece of news, pushing it off the wall again. The news falls to the ground, hitting the floor with a loud thump that sounds strangely like “This just in!”

Rachell Maddow was prepared this time. Even though it’s 1pm on a Sunday afternoon and everybody wants to watch football, she stands by the piece of broken news, and spends the next 3 hours reporting on it. She uses her skills of persuasion to convince NBC that her reporting should preempt the football games to quit their playtime so her reporting on the piece of broken news is shown throughout the nation. It’s her coup-de-grace: an exclusive interview with the broken news.

It’s the story of a lifetime. It’s too good to pass up. So, after her three hour report, she puts the piece of news back together again, with the nurture and attention reporters are known for. She sits it up, right back on Trump’s border wall. Then, she uses an earthquake machine (speaker used at Astroworld concert) to cause a magnitude 10 earthquake, knocking the news off the wall and causing it to break once again.

The news is broken, and then put back together over and over again. If you look at it analytically, as time approaches infinity, the state of this news will always remain breaking, reaping in maximum profits for those in the reporting business.

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December 2021

Sonnet 19: The Great Canadian Maple Syrup Heist

You, maple syrup on your pancakes chose?
From groves of sugar maples sap doth run
It climbs, it seeps, into the pipes it goes
And boils down, fills barrels one by one

And where should all this happen but Quebec?
Ful sev’nty-two percent doth come from there
From maple groves and processes high-tech
The syrup seepeth, sticky, through the air

Directly comes to you this sticky vice?
Forbid! FPAQ controls, with rules and guile,
Supply, and thereby too the highest price,
They have a national and sweet stockpile

But one fine day, inspectors passing through
Found common liquid clear in every cell!
O! Water had replaced their precious brew!
In climbing barrels, made too light, they fell.

A search began, for who would do this? Why?
Without this nectar, all our pancakes dry.

Categories
December 2021

DukeHub 3.0 Causes Collapse of Human Race

DURHAM, NC: The final Duke building held by humans, the Social Sciences building, has fallen to the robots. We’re told that the only reason it took so long for the terminators to find the building is because they got confused between Soc-Sci and Soc-Psych (now Reuben-Cooke). And because the data they got from Duke Maps is completely unreliable.

But how did we get to this point? Duke overrun by ruthless androids hellbent on exterminating humans?

Well, like any other horrible plan, it started with Spring 2022 registration. After the widespread acclaim of DukeHub 2.0 (Department Of admits that we were paid to say this), Duke started development on DukeHub 3.0 during this semester. While you were searching for internships with software companies, OIT was beating you to creating the next frontiers of technology through DukeHub 3.0. One of the key improvements Duke was hoping to make was to make the registration process more fair while ensuring the utmost security of Duke student accounts and the Dukeblue network, god forbid people switch to eduroam.

So Duke came up with a brilliant implementation of an existing security mechanism: reCAPTCHA. You know those pesky blue and white prompts that ask you to identify every traffic light, crosswalk, car, or street sign? The robot to whom you have to prove that you’re not a robot? Yes, that one.

DukeHub 3.0 used reCAPTCHA to introduce a new way to register for classes. Duke students would have to pass 100 reCAPTCHA’s to register, instead of the usual validate and register process. Then, enrollment for a class was determined on how quickly one finished all reCAPTCHA’s. Duke Office of Information Technology claimed that this made the process more merit-based rather than based on simple random luck (merit based on accuracy and validity of clicking).

Alas, it wasn’t long until the Duke Difference(TM) came into effect. Within a couple of weeks, a bright Computer Science major (who had literally nothing better to do) created a device with an AI algorithm to complete the reCAPTCHA’s within milliseconds. Thus, this robot was able to sufficiently trick the other robot into believing that the first robot is not truly a robot.

Thus, the AI passed the Turing Test and gained sentience.

And that’s how we found ourselves with the human population decimated, and President Price’s successor at Duke being C-25413418NexusT6, whose emails are of the same robotic cadence as his human predecessor.