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DDO Issues October 2021

October 2021

OCTOBER 2021

DO YOU LIKE DANCE?

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DDO Issues March 2021

March 2021

march 2021

Categories
DDO Issues February 2021

February 2021

FEBRUARY 2021

Marriage Pact Couple Spotted Consummating New Relationship on Bryan Center Bench!

Let’s use this year to fix K-ville: part 2

From Sappho to Siwa: An Ode to JoJo

The Armie Hammers of Duke

Positive Affirmations for the Inevitable COVID-19 Campus Lockdown

EvAnth Department Advises Duke on COVID Response, Proposes Pilot “FUCK IT” Program

Categories
DDO Issues October 2020

October 2020

OCTOBER 2020

Gallup Poll: How Duke students are voting this November

Top Reasons Why You Should Commit Voter Fraud this Election, and Our Handy How-to Guide

Duke Students as Contestants on The Bachelorette

What Your Favorite Halloween Candy Says About You

Why I Would Make a Better Supreme Court Justice Nominee than Amy Coney Barrett

Duke Specific Halloween Costumes

A Memoir from a Mask’s Diary: Halloween Night

President Price to Kiss All Students Due to Major Change to Duke Compact

How Much is Half a Semester?: A Research Inquiry

Categories
DDO Issues February 2020 Young Trustee YT

Fifth Annual Interview with Young Trustee Finalists

This year’s Young Trustee Election features four good friends who have inundated campus life with their stump speeches, profile pictures, and appeals to vote in a social justice ego contest on a scale comparable to the Democratic Primary. Their oversized, McKinsey & Co-led campaign teams want you to believe that lack of voter participation would allow for the worst candidate to win in a disaster comparable to the 2016 election, we spoke to Tim, and despite what the other teams would have you think–he’s actually a pretty good guy; voting for him is not a problem. But as in the Iowa Caucus, McKinsey & Co has already rigged this election in favor of its former consultant–Department Of.

This week, we sat down with and interviewed all of the candidates in a hot room in Perkins. The candidates were desperate to sound funny in their fight for the line that will top off their highly padded resumes–Duke Young Trustee. Ironically, all of them checked their phones mid-interviews proving that anyone from Gen Z is not qualified to be a Trustee for our simple lack of manners. The boomers lurking The Chronicle’s Facebook page were right all along. But whether you’re a boomer, a Duke student who has been arduously subjected to this campaign, or a campaign member thirsty for tea, we hope you enjoy these interviews.

 

TIM SKAPEK

Tim Skapek lives up to his image as the self-proclaimed “bland” candidate, sporting his varsity jacket in his official campaign picture and hoping to bring the “lessons” he’s learned as a benchwarmer to the prestigious Young Trustee position. Tim hopes to restructure the YT election process by taking on the age-old, never successful approach of attempting to reform systems by actively participating in them. When not rambling about the YT election process, Tim is working to overcome the adversity of being the only white male candidate in this race. Go Tim! 

LEAH ABRAMS

Leah, our (semi) local bleeding heart, says she has what it takes to speak truth to power. This president of Duke Democrats is here to make real change™, which is why she wants to join the league of backroom bureaucrats. Her accomplishments speak for themselves, though, as an editor for The Chronicle she’s pumped out plenty of virtue signaling puff pieces, and we heard she even protests from time to time. She is not your typical ex-Kappa girl. We do wonder about her platform–a Jewish girl interested in de-gentrifying Durham? Seems like a direct attack on the Board’s core values.

MARYAM ASENUGA

Given she created a Native American Student Association though not Native American, Maryam Asenuga is used to doing work on another group’s behalf. So we’ll let her do that here too, with a bio she wrote herself: “As the only person in the class of 2020 from Rhode Island, I consider myself a big deal and you probably should too. Haha, just kidding! You can always find me in the Gothic Reading Room and anytime you see me, please come up to me and say hey. I have no friends. Just kidding. No I’m not. Ha.” 

IBRAHIM BUTT

Ibrahim Butt came onto the Young Trustee scene as the candidate who totes various marginalized identities. Bringing the diversity to Cooper, Ibby is living proof that no one can resist the sweet allure of SLGs, despite belonging to one notorious for racism and toxic masculinity. Three cheers for being consistent in one’s values! Hailing from the U.K., Ibby turns on his British accent when strategically convenient, primarily using it to talk shit about other candidates then pretending he doesn’t.