This year’s Young Trustee Election features four good friends who have inundated campus life with their stump speeches, profile pictures, and appeals to vote in a social justice ego contest on a scale comparable to the Democratic Primary. Their oversized, McKinsey & Co-led campaign teams want you to believe that lack of voter participation would allow for the worst candidate to win in a disaster comparable to the 2016 election, we spoke to Tim, and despite what the other teams would have you think–he’s actually a pretty good guy; voting for him is not a problem. But as in the Iowa Caucus, McKinsey & Co has already rigged this election in favor of its former consultant–Department Of.
This week, we sat down with and interviewed all of the candidates in a hot room in Perkins. The candidates were desperate to sound funny in their fight for the line that will top off their highly padded resumes–Duke Young Trustee. Ironically, all of them checked their phones mid-interviews proving that anyone from Gen Z is not qualified to be a Trustee for our simple lack of manners. The boomers lurking The Chronicle’s Facebook page were right all along. But whether you’re a boomer, a Duke student who has been arduously subjected to this campaign, or a campaign member thirsty for tea, we hope you enjoy these interviews.
Tim Skapek lives up to his image as the self-proclaimed “bland” candidate, sporting his varsity jacket in his official campaign picture and hoping to bring the “lessons” he’s learned as a benchwarmer to the prestigious Young Trustee position. Tim hopes to restructure the YT election process by taking on the age-old, never successful approach of attempting to reform systems by actively participating in them. When not rambling about the YT election process, Tim is working to overcome the adversity of being the only white male candidate in this race. Go Tim!
Leah, our (semi) local bleeding heart, says she has what it takes to speak truth to power. This president of Duke Democrats is here to make real change™, which is why she wants to join the league of backroom bureaucrats. Her accomplishments speak for themselves, though, as an editor for The Chronicle she’s pumped out plenty of virtue signaling puff pieces, and we heard she even protests from time to time. She is not your typical ex-Kappa girl. We do wonder about her platform–a Jewish girl interested in de-gentrifying Durham? Seems like a direct attack on the Board’s core values.
Given she created a Native American Student Association though not Native American, Maryam Asenuga is used to doing work on another group’s behalf. So we’ll let her do that here too, with a bio she wrote herself: “As the only person in the class of 2020 from Rhode Island, I consider myself a big deal and you probably should too. Haha, just kidding! You can always find me in the Gothic Reading Room and anytime you see me, please come up to me and say hey. I have no friends. Just kidding. No I’m not. Ha.”
Ibrahim Butt came onto the Young Trustee scene as the candidate who totes various marginalized identities. Bringing the diversity to Cooper, Ibby is living proof that no one can resist the sweet allure of SLGs, despite belonging to one notorious for racism and toxic masculinity. Three cheers for being consistent in one’s values! Hailing from the U.K., Ibby turns on his British accent when strategically convenient, primarily using it to talk shit about other candidates then pretending he doesn’t.
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You’re a Greek Life social chair. You’ve got your new PC. They’re the best damn one. And your little is the best of the best. Now it’s your time to reward them with a great mixer. Often it can be confusing what’s okay and what’s not. So here at Department Of, we’ve compiled THE ULTIMATE GUIDE to good and bad rhyming mixer themes.
Good idea: Snookies and bookies – This mixer is 100% Jersey Shore. It’s raunchy, rowdy, and a ridiculous good time.
Bad idea: Snookies and ookie cookies – Still raunchy, but definitely not an idea that’s going to go over well with your peer social chair. Not a bad idea, however, to forward this one to your frat’s pledge master.
I forced a bot to become Duke President, sit-in on over 1,000 meetings with Duke administration and then asked it to write a meeting transcription of its own. Here is the first page.
Sally Kornbluth: Dear Colleagues, I am Provost!
A. Eugene Washington: I have many jobs. We should give many jobs. I am Chancellor of Health, Duke University.
Tallman Trask 3: *visibly sweating* Good idea A. Eugene
Robot: We should try gathering the freshmen again for a fair. That way we study them for data.
A. Eugene Washington: Sounds like jobs to me! Hospitals could use more data jobs.
Tallman Trask 3: *single drop of sweat rushes down neck*
Richard Riddell: Let me check with my trusted advisor, Adam Silver, to see if that is okay. Sally, do you palooz?
The first few weeks of school were fun. You started off with O-week and a one-night-stand you met at Shooters (which is a universal experience, right? haha I mean I totally did that too) and proceeded to experiment with the college experience. It was fun. Lots of alcohol, lots of parties, lots of at least a few hookups. But then it got colder out. As parties started requiring wristbands more and more, you paired off and started getting in relationships with each other. It was cuffing season! But I’m here to tell you that spring is definitely NOT cuffing season. If you’re thinking of asking someone out anytime soon, don’t! In fact, you should all break up with your current boyfriends and girlfriends.
I love March Madness. The upsets, the last second buzzer beaters, Duke winning, all of these contribute to making the college basketball championship possibly the most exciting sporting event of the year, and this year has already proven itself to be just as crazy. However, I think March Madness could become even more exciting. Here are some suggestions that I absolutely believe the NCAA should implement ASAP.