APRIL FOOL’S 2022
APRIL FOOL’S 2022
Department Of is proud to announce that after many hard days of soul-searching, we have decided to apply to Duke for recognition as an official department: the Duke Department Of.
Where most departments add a subject – e.g. the Department Of Physics and the Department Of Cultural Anthropology – we at (the) Department Of have chosen to place nothing. This is a very deliberate choice. We have had a long history of exploring the unknown, of probing the blankness of the vastness of the blankness of the vastness of the universe, and pointing out the places humans never wanted to explore in the first place. In honor of this deeply held principle, we even decided not to publish an issue in March, so that you, dear readers, may explore the negative space left by the absence of the March issue that never was.
April Fools! It’s pollen season! I wish I was joking about that, but I’m not. Pollen season at Duke gets intense – even the BC tables get covered in the stuff. One day you’re trying to golf in your brand new green polo shirt and the next you’re sneezing all over your Gucci handkerchief. But have no fear! Our resident allergy expert has some tips to avoid the achoos this spring. The only blessing anyone’s going to do is towards the other basic bitches that need it.
Do you have faint memories of sometimes studying above the main floor of Marketplace? Or going to a random event with free food or merch above the main dining area? Perhaps you recall it smelling like shit at times? Well, neither do we. Because the investigative team at Department Of has come to find out that there is no floor above the main floor of Marketplace, otherwise known as East Union, otherwise known as MP, otherwise known as “damn this tasted better freshman year.”
Marketplace has two floors, yes. But these floors consist only of the floor you enter on – with its delicious, authentic Italian pizza, its crisp, crunchy salad bar, and its scrumptious, definitely not sus orange chicken – and the floor below it with Trinity Café (where the bums who use equivalency go scavenge for food).
Wait! Why is Marketplace so tall then, you might rightfully ask? Well, we counter your question with another question: What would it have been like to get your back blown out by Washington Duke? Exactly, we don’t know.