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The Democratic Nominees Do Common Ground

At an undisclosed location in the deserts of Nevada. The Democratic candidates sit criss-cross-applesauce in a circle with retreat facilitator Anderson Cooper.

Anderson Cooper: Hello, and welcome to Common Ground. I’m Anderson. My preferred pronouns are he/him/his and my preferred epithets are silver-haired fox and sapphire-eyed god. I identify as white, male, extraordinarily rich, and gay, but don’t worry, I’ve checked my privilege, just like you all will during this retreat. And do you see these onyx glasses? I am not messing around. Not today. You will feel emotionally and socially transformed. Now, let’s start the conversation and open our hearts.

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Halloween Costumes for You and Your Loved One(s)

1. President Brodhead and Cindy Brodhead

2. 17-year-old, 38-year-old, and Fetty Wap

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Accurate DukeALERTS

7:58AM DukeALERT — Transportation Notice
All Zagster bikes in use. Please wake up 10 minutes earlier and take a C1.

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An Airbnb Listing

Airbnb: United States of America
Host: U.S. Government

About this listing
Spacious and convenient. Features history of democracy, citizenry founded by immigrants, wraparound porch. Beachfront property. Also desertfront, swampfront, and mountainfront property. 

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Rubenstein’s Daily Agenda

MR. DAVID MARK RUBENSTEIN’S AGENDA
SEPTEMBER 29, 2015

6:00 a.m. Morning walk

  • Get around to listening to first episode of Serial
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The GOP Candidates Run for Young Trustee

Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen of Duke University, welcome. I’m Chief Principal Executive Moderator of the DSG Electoral system. It’s on my resume. And these robes are “business casual.” We’re gathered here to listen to a select few of your nominees for Young Trustee. I’d like to remind you all that there is no videorecording permitted during the debate with the exception of cleverly captioned Snapchats. Let’s get right into it. Candidates, please briefly introduce yourselves.

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Privilege Walk

Take a step forward if you used Charmin ultra-soft toilet paper growing up.

Take a step backward if your home growing up looked like the apocalyptic wastelands they use in Febreze ads.

Take 300 steps forward if you’re wearing nantucket red shorts.

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ACES / STORM Frequently Asked Questions

What is ACES?
ACES is the student portal of the Duke University information system. You will use it to bookbag classes, check graduation requirements, and maintain a common enemy with your peers.

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Banking Security Questions

Name: Gandalf the Grey
Date of Birth: Before the beginning of First Age and the Shaping of Arda

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Tips for Becoming a Campus Celebrity

  • Anonymously contribute to a fledgling campus publication.