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April Fools 2022

Department Of Planning to Apply for Official Recognition as an Academic Department

Department Of is proud to announce that after many hard days of soul-searching, we have decided to apply to Duke for recognition as an official department: the Duke Department Of.

Where most departments add a subject – e.g. the Department Of Physics and the Department Of Cultural Anthropology – we at (the) Department Of have chosen to place nothing. This is a very deliberate choice. We have had a long history of exploring the unknown, of probing the blankness of the vastness of the blankness of the vastness of the universe, and pointing out the places humans never wanted to explore in the first place. In honor of this deeply held principle, we even decided not to publish an issue in March, so that you, dear readers, may explore the negative space left by the absence of the March issue that never was.

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April Fools 2022

How to Protect Yourself from Pollen

April Fools! It’s pollen season! I wish I was joking about that, but I’m not. Pollen season at Duke gets intense – even the BC tables get covered in the stuff. One day you’re trying to golf in your brand new green polo shirt and the next you’re sneezing all over your Gucci handkerchief. But have no fear! Our resident allergy expert has some tips to avoid the achoos this spring. The only blessing anyone’s going to do is towards the other basic bitches that need it.

  • Face masks – I know, I know, the pandemic is over (at least according to the CDC until the next variant appears), but whether cloth, KN95, or BTS-themed, face masks will keep pollen out of your nose whether you’re walking outside or playing Spikeball. It also serves as a layer of protection in the unlikely event someone smashes your face with said Spikeball.
  • Panera Coffee – did you know that when you drink Panera Coffee, it reduces your susceptibility to allergies? This phenomenon is known as the Secondary Unilateral Sass (SUS) effect – whenever you ingest caffeine, sugar, and whipped cream, your natural “sass” increases and pollen avoids your body since it can’t handle your passive-aggressive energy.
  • Nature is your enemy – As you know, pollen is produced by plants. So make sure you’re keeping your plants in order. Mow them, shear them, burn them in a bonfire. Whichever method you choose, remind Mother Nature that you’re in charge.
  • Medicine – Whether you choose Claritin, Zyrtec, or the good shit that your premed friend has, sometimes you must rely on a couple of pills to get through the day. If you’re in doubt if you’re taking too much, rely on the 3-2-1 rule per day. 3 ibuprofen for your headaches/pain/whatever college students feel, 2 prescriptions that you actually need to get through the day, and 1 free recreational drug of your choice. Have fun!
  • Drink plenty of fluids – Your body is 70% water. Why not feed it what it needs? Let’s be honest, you’re probably dehydrated. So get yourself a bottle of water to filter out that pollen. Or some White Claw. It’s pretty much flavored water that’s been left outside for 180 days. Or how about some vodka too? I’m in denial and I think it’s still spring break.
  • Don’t go outside – hey, it’s what I’ve been doing since March 2020, and it’s worked just fine.
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April Fools 2022

The Second Floor of Marketplace Does Not Exist

Do you have faint memories of sometimes studying above the main floor of Marketplace? Or going to a random event with free food or merch above the main dining area? Perhaps you recall it smelling like shit at times? Well, neither do we. Because the investigative team at Department Of has come to find out that there is no floor above the main floor of Marketplace, otherwise known as East Union, otherwise known as MP, otherwise known as “damn this tasted better freshman year.”

Marketplace has two floors, yes. But these floors consist only of the floor you enter on – with its delicious, authentic Italian pizza, its crisp, crunchy salad bar, and its scrumptious, definitely not sus orange chicken – and the floor below it with Trinity Café (where the bums who use equivalency go scavenge for food).

Wait! Why is Marketplace so tall then, you might rightfully ask? Well, we counter your question with another question: What would it have been like to get your back blown out by Washington Duke? Exactly, we don’t know.

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April Fools 2022

Things I want to Scream at Prospective Duke Students During Tours

  • Tandoor isn’t authentic!
  • I’m having fun but still losing my sanity!
  • It’s all fun until you take orgo!
  • Panera coffee is overrated!
  • I sleep during lectures!
  • I don’t go to lectures!
  • Who wants a White Claw?!
  • GPA is a farce!
  • Roll Shooters on Wednesday night!
  • You’re all gonna be in debt!
  • Who wants my major shirt? I’m switching majors tomorrow!
  • You have to pay for laundry here!
  • Long live Daddy Price!
  • Everything is completely and absolutely fine!

 

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April Fools 2022

How UNC Could Beat Duke in the Final Four