Young Trustee 2021 Candidates
Seemingly the obvious YT choice for the other finalists, all echoed Doha Ali’s sentiments with a “like Doha said…” signaling their willingness to “borrow” the ideas of Black women for their own use, a skill which will serve them well on the Board! After all, Doha does believe the primary purpose of her education is to serve others. What better way to do that than majoring in Econ and giving everyone unsolicited advice? Amongst her scattered extracurricular activities (commitment issues?), Doha balances being both a disciplinary advisor and member of Duke’s prison education program, showcasing her inability to choose between abolitionist values and the need to play cop herself.
This year Kacia Anderson is the token YT finalist who rests at the ideal intersection of marginalized identities. Running as a Junior (you can do that?), Kacia shows her youth by still believing that her membership of Dukes and Duchesses is a prestigious and meaningful role. Though she soils the allure of her Sociology major by being on the premed track, her overuse of the word “relationships” in her platform proves she at least passed SOCIOL 110. Though she could not even snag the DUU Presidential title, we admire her confidence that she has a chance at this election.
Arriving (fashionably?) late to the webinar, Nicholas Chrapliwy demanded attention with his gothic, Tik-Tok famous dorm room as his Zoom background, complete with a cat to complement whatever Harry Potter vibe he was going for. Though Chrapliwy roots his platform in how he “knows Duke” because he did one presentation on it, an insider source says his infamous architectural tours of campus are merely him pointing to buildings and mumbling “pretty stone” repeatedly. This “lifelong southerner” claims his heritage will allow him to establish common ground with Trustees, confident that the Board will surely vibe with a he/they small town mountain boy like himself.
Spencer KaplanAfter being shamed for donning a NASA shirt and 2015 galaxy print leggings, Spencer Kaplan bravely left the racism and toxic masculinity of Cooper to advocate for housing reform. Always a man of the people, Kaplan bravely spearheaded the diversity and inclusion initiative for American Grand Strategy to recruit more white girlbosses to strategize the best way to terrorize the Middle East. This devil’s advocate crowns himself king of interdisciplinary studies because he both works under militant icon Peter Feaver and earned an A- in “Waves for Babes.” King!
This message is being sent to all Duke undergraduates to f*** them over.
Monday, March 29th, 2021
We are writing to share a brief update about campus housing for the 2021-2022 academic year. We expect to provide everyone’s housing assignments shortly, however, please remember that our plans are subject to change depending on the trajectory of COVID-19. With this in mind, we would like to share the following updates:
The Board of Trustees, Housing and Residential Life, and President Vincent E. Price, Ph.D., M.D., J.D., J.B Duke Hotel Presidential Suite Owner, have approved our latest plan to accommodate students on campus by adding K-Ville as a residential dorm under Duke Housing. We anticipate that about 300 students will be housed in K-Ville. This dorm is part of West Campus, and will replace the traditional K-Ville tenting procedure for the 2021-2022 school year.
Those would like to apply for K-Ville Housing must complete a timed 30-minute basketball trivia exam, distributed on Sakai, and the top 100 scorers will receive guaranteed K-Ville Housing.
The classes of 2023, 2024, and 2025 must reside on Duke’s campus for the upcoming school year. This is non-negotiable. You will only be able to live off-campus if you have special accommodations. No, anxiety disorders and “allergic to Edens” don’t count as special accommodations. Please only reach out to HRL and SDAO for off-campus housing if you have an actual disability.
A final note
We appreciate that you took the time to read this email as you struggle to start your problem sets and projects that were due yesterday. It is our duty to accommodate as many of you as possible in order to construct both a healthy learning environment and a passable social environment. We would like to reaffirm our commitment to providing you a safe haven away from your nagging parents and to support your residential needs on campus. Please reach out to our email address if you have any questions.
Housing and Residential Life
As we all experienced a few weeks ago, Duke administration implemented a stay-in-place order for people living on campus in order to curb the spread of COVID-19 among students. A week later, though, it was lifted, and life is now pretty much the same as it was before. However, we here at Department Of believe that Duke should have extended lockdown because of a groundbreaking study that has recently come out.
A new study by Duke IFC (Investigative Forensic Catalogue) has shown us that COVID spreads much more easily than we all thought. In fact, this new study lists all the newly discovered ways that the virus can spread:
Greek life may be dying at Duke, but there’s a new Key Three for us to talk about: Are you a Pfizer, Moderna, or Johnson & Johnson? Now that North Carolina is expanding eligibility to college students, pretty much everyone on-campus will get to join the elite class of vaccinated individuals.
That being said, vaccine hesitancy is real. It’s not just for Whole Foods-shopping, essential oil fanatic, stay-at-home moms. Since the FDA has only approved COVID-19 vaccines under emergency authorization, people of all ages—even college students—are wondering whether or not it’s safe to get jabbed.
Well, I have news for you. If you’re a Duke student, you do not need to be afraid of what’s in the vaccine. In fact, if you’ve done any of the following things, the COVID-19 vaccine should probably be afraid of you:
As soon as you’re eligible to get the vaccine, go get it. I fucking hate needles and didn’t even feel the shot going into my arm (Moderna baby!). There’s nothing in this world I want more than to go to a bar (maybe even Shooters), get absurdly drunk, and beg the DJ to play Trisha Paytas. Don’t rob me of this experience.
BREAKING! Your Marriage Pact match was your ex. Or maybe your match was really hot, but they left you on read after you sent them a pickup line about the French Revolution. Either way, they sucked.
Unfortunately, not all of us were so unlucky. Earlier this week, our source spotted a couple sporting “I’M WITH STUPID” and “I’M STUPID” tees, uh, occupying a bench in the Bryan Center…and they were definitely not six feet apart (if you catch my drift). When I asked how our source knew that couple had discovered one another through the matchmaking service, he said that he recognized their lustful look–those big, round honeymoon-phase eyes tinged slightly with future regret, reserved only for Shooter’s hookups and, apparently, ideal future spouses (?)
Now, here at Dept. Of, we try our best not to pass judgement. I’m all for being with the person you want to be with. But…in the Bryan Center? Really? I mean, if the smell of Panda Express is what gets you in the mood…but couldn’t you have just walked to your dorm…or, like, snuck into the Gardens?
The culprits’ identities remain a mystery because, well, no one wants to look at that security footage (and can you blame them?!). However, our source did want me to tell our readers that he did report the incident to whoever’s in charge of that type of thing and that the benches are being removed for a very thorough cleaning. So maybe it’s not such a bad thing you have to stand up while you eat your grilled cheese from The Loop–I know I won’t look at that neon-colored pleather the same way ever again.
Covid has left many gaping voids in all of our lives. Duke students are missing Shooters, cheering for an above .500 basketball team, getting distracted in class by staring at their crushes in person rather than over zoom, and generally just having a positive outlook on life. All of these things, and so much more, are gone. Someone please help me, I’m not having fun.
For a large contingent of Cameron Crazies, the most obvious thing missing this Spring semester are the hours spent tenting in K-ville. I miss every cold, wet, uncomfortable moment spent cursing out the line monitors.
Speaking of those power-trippers, recent graduate and former line monitor Charlie Gelman released an article criticizing huge parts of their tenting process. Anyone out of the loop can read it here: http://charliegel.github.io/. This was a crazy article, where Charlie talked about his own experiences and released INTERNAL line mumbler data to roast the ineptitude of the system. Some are praising him as the Edward Snowden of tenting. Still others are saying, “who is Charlie Gelman?”
Charlie talked about a lot of things, including how their rush process is more of a popularity contest than about being a Crazie, how the average line moniker spends less time in K-ville per tenting season than the average white tenter (🤢 🤢), and how they do not get punished for doing less than their minimum required hours.
Luckily, Department Of has infiltrated the ranks of the line leaders, and we have compiled a list of all of the rest of their most scandalous internal practices.
Of course, all of the head line monitors and VP’s of tenting read Charlie Gelman’s article. Once they saw his well-articulated arguments supported by compelling statistics and anecdotes, they realized they had an issue and started making changes to improve the line leaders and make tenting a more equitable system.
Ha! Of course they didn’t! Why would they change a system that gives them all the power and doesn’t make them do any work? Nothing has changed. It’s like 2008 all over again, except worse; I would rather live in a country where 1% of bankers own 99% of the nation’s wealth than at a University where line lickers spend less time in K-ville than white tenters. Luckily, I get to do both!
Clearly, the LM system is rife with issues that may be difficult to fix. Now comes the time where I have to get political and make statements regarding the two most important issues facing our country: make the line monitors tent, and legalize recreational cocaine!
From ancient Greece reigned Sappho,
Lyrical lesbian, poet extrodinare
Wooing women with poems, with violets
With just a twirl of her long, brown hair.
But Sappho’s poems were fragmented and old
Unfit for the readers of today,
The lesbians needed someone new, someone bold
A fresh icon to sweep them all away.
TikTok saw her sing “Born this way,”
And met her with a chorus of “hey mamas”
She refuted with a post to say “I’m taken,”
Confessing her love of her (one-month) girlfriend for the drama.
A new force for the (L)GBT,
JoJo Siwa came (out) onto the scene.
With a bow-adorned high ponytail swinging,
Jojo exuded both power and a new beginning.
This is an ode to you, dear JoJo
May you live and love happily as you tote the (rain)bow.
Cheers! To the newest d*ke on the scene,
And all hail our new lyrical lesbian queen!