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DDO Issues March 2021

March 2021

march 2021

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March 2021

Young Trustee 2021 Biographies

Young Trustee 2021 Candidates

Doha Ali

Seemingly the obvious YT choice for the other finalists, all echoed Doha Ali’s sentiments with a “like Doha said…” signaling their willingness to “borrow” the ideas of Black women for their own use, a skill which will serve them well on the Board! After all, Doha does believe the primary purpose of her education is to serve others. What better way to do that than majoring in Econ and giving everyone unsolicited advice? Amongst her scattered extracurricular activities (commitment issues?), Doha balances being both a disciplinary advisor and member of Duke’s prison education program, showcasing her inability to choose between abolitionist values and the need to play cop herself.

Kacia Anderson

This year Kacia Anderson is the token YT finalist who rests at the ideal intersection of marginalized identities. Running as a Junior (you can do that?), Kacia shows her youth by still believing that her membership of Dukes and Duchesses is a prestigious and meaningful role. Though she soils the allure of her Sociology major by being on the premed track, her overuse of the word “relationships” in her platform proves she at least passed SOCIOL 110. Though she could not even snag the DUU Presidential title, we admire her confidence that she has a chance at this election.

Nicholas Chrapliwy

Arriving (fashionably?) late to the webinar, Nicholas Chrapliwy demanded attention with his gothic, Tik-Tok famous dorm room as his Zoom background, complete with a cat to complement whatever Harry Potter vibe he was going for. Though Chrapliwy roots his platform in how he “knows Duke” because he did one presentation on it, an insider source says his infamous architectural tours of campus are merely him pointing to buildings and mumbling “pretty stone” repeatedly. This “lifelong southerner” claims his heritage will allow him to establish common ground with Trustees, confident that the Board will surely vibe with a he/they small town mountain boy like himself.

Spencer KaplanAfter being shamed for donning a NASA shirt and 2015 galaxy print leggings, Spencer Kaplan bravely left the racism and toxic masculinity of Cooper to advocate for housing reform. Always a man of the people, Kaplan bravely spearheaded the diversity and inclusion initiative for American Grand Strategy to recruit more white girlbosses to strategize the best way to terrorize the Middle East. This devil’s advocate crowns himself king of interdisciplinary studies because he both works under militant icon Peter Feaver and earned an A- in “Waves for Babes.” King!

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March 2021

An Update on 2021-2022 Housing from HRL

This message is being sent to all Duke undergraduates to f*** them over.

Monday, March 29th, 2021

Good afternoon,

We are writing to share a brief update about campus housing for the 2021-2022 academic year. We expect to provide everyone’s housing assignments shortly, however, please remember that our plans are subject to change depending on the trajectory of COVID-19. With this in mind, we would like to share the following updates:

Key Updates

  • If you filled out the housing application, you are contractually bound to live on Duke’s campus for the upcoming year. We anticipate everyone who filled out the form will be able to live on campus. No takebacks.
  • All SLGs in good standing will be put in Edens Quad. Sorry.
  • First years will be primarily assigned to East Campus dorms. However, do not discount the possibility of some first years living on West Campus. We ask our current students to resist the urge to shove them in a box and leave them outside of Shooters.
  • Rising sophomores and juniors will be primarily assigned to West Campus dorms. To increase the probability of friends being grouped together, people of the same class will be placed in their respective subsets of dorms on campus. According to our research for the NextGen Living initiative, maintaining an age-based social hierarchy is the best replacement for the existing class-based social hierarchy. You weren’t going to make friends with other upperclassmen anyways, they’re so 2020.
  • Seniors will be assigned to the remaining dorms. Because we anticipate a large number of parties, seniors will most likely be placed in 300 Swift, Avana, and Hollows. However, note that this is subject to change due to the volume of underclassmen, so seniors may be forced subject to move to other places as directed by HRL. See the K-Ville update for more details.
  • We encourage seniors to not seek out off-campus apartments in Durham. We have exhausted the housing options in the Durham area as a result of housing our students during the pandemic, and we were unable to find other options. We recommend sticking with the options listed. If we had a large series of apartment complexes with individual socially distanced units to house at least 500 students, we would use it. Unfortunately, we burned ours down back in January.
  • While the COVID vaccine is not mandatory for the next academic year, you will not be granted access to the buildings without it. This is to ensure that students have flexibility with their healthcare plan while protecting the students. And just to make things a little bit more fun.

K-Ville Housing

The Board of Trustees, Housing and Residential Life, and President Vincent E. Price, Ph.D., M.D., J.D., J.B Duke Hotel Presidential Suite Owner, have approved our latest plan to accommodate students on campus by adding K-Ville as a residential dorm under Duke Housing. We anticipate that about 300 students will be housed in K-Ville. This dorm is part of West Campus, and will replace the traditional K-Ville tenting procedure for the 2021-2022 school year.

Amenities:

  • Line monitors will wake you up prior to your classes and exams
  • Shower access is limited to the facilities at Wilson Gym
    • Masks must still be worn in the shower
  • Food trucks will visit the Wilson Gym lot nightly
  • Tents and sleeping bags will be provided (bring your own air mattress)
  • Diverse community of Duke basketball fans
  • Exclusive access to the dopest party spot on campus
  • Tickets to the 2022 Duke-Carolina game

Those would like to apply for K-Ville Housing must complete a timed 30-minute basketball trivia exam, distributed on Sakai, and the top 100 scorers will receive guaranteed K-Ville Housing. 

Additional Reminders

The classes of 2023, 2024, and 2025 must reside on Duke’s campus for the upcoming school year. This is non-negotiable. You will only be able to live off-campus if you have special accommodations. No, anxiety disorders and “allergic to Edens” don’t count as special accommodations. Please only reach out to HRL and SDAO for off-campus housing if you have an actual disability.

A final note

We appreciate that you took the time to read this email as you struggle to start your problem sets and projects that were due yesterday. It is our duty to accommodate as many of you as possible in order to construct both a healthy learning environment and a passable social environment. We would like to reaffirm our commitment to providing you a safe haven away from your nagging parents and to support your residential needs on campus. Please reach out to our email address if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Housing and Residential Life

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March 2021

Study Reveals New Ways COVID Can Spread

As we all experienced a few weeks ago, Duke administration implemented a stay-in-place order for people living on campus in order to curb the spread of COVID-19 among students. A week later, though, it was lifted, and life is now pretty much the same as it was before. However, we here at Department Of believe that Duke should have extended lockdown because of a groundbreaking study that has recently come out.

A new study by Duke IFC (Investigative Forensic Catalogue) has shown us that COVID spreads much more easily than we all thought. In fact, this new study lists all the newly discovered ways that the virus can spread:

  •       Fist bumps: Although speculated before, this study confirms that coronavirus can spread through the sweat and crusty beer accumulated on frat boys’ fists
  •       Whispering: You might think it’s sexy to whisper in unsuspecting girls’ ears about the significance of your chapter, but don’t. It could give her the ‘rona, bro
  •       Elbow greetings: You thought close contact was bad? Hitting elbows with someone to greet them during the pandemic has contributed to many more cases than partying without masks. Source: Greeklife.com
  •       Rushing: Literally. Like literally rushing to and from places. The increased velocity of a moving body can detach virus particles from one’s body and launch it towards other people, like a trebuchet
  •       Direct eye contact: A highly contagious method of spreading disease. This one’s even scarier because while wearing masks, eyes are the only part of the face still exposed. So honestly, it might make more sense to just not wear a mask, so that direct eye contact transmission can be curbed
  • Telekinesis: Even hypothetically thinking about someone else getting COVID can greatly increase their risk of actually contracting the disease. And according to the study, this way of spreading has the highest transmission rate, too. So in order to prevent further spreading of COVID, Duke IFC recommends not thinking about the possibility of other people catching the disease and not considering how one’s actions can affect the lives of other students
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March 2021

You Definitely Don’t Need to Worry About the Contents of the Vaccine

Greek life may be dying at Duke, but there’s a new Key Three for us to talk about: Are you a Pfizer, Moderna, or Johnson & Johnson? Now that North Carolina is expanding eligibility to college students, pretty much everyone on-campus will get to join the elite class of vaccinated individuals.

That being said, vaccine hesitancy is real. It’s not just for Whole Foods-shopping, essential oil fanatic, stay-at-home moms. Since the FDA has only approved COVID-19 vaccines under emergency authorization, people of all ages—even college students—are wondering whether or not it’s safe to get jabbed.

Well, I have news for you. If you’re a Duke student, you do not need to be afraid of what’s in the vaccine. In fact, if you’ve done any of the following things, the COVID-19 vaccine should probably be afraid of you:

  • Set foot in Shooters II Saloon: Between the foggy mirror, sticky floor, and mechanical bull, every square inch of this establishment is covered in pathogens. Rumor has it that Kim Cates was directly recruited to help develop the J&J vaccine.
  • Gone to a Marketplace Theme Dinner: All you can eat? Chocolate fountains? Room temperature seafood buffets? This is as close as you can get to cruise ship-level microbial danger on Duke’s campus.
  • Purchased anything from L.B.: This is self explanatory. You don’t care about FDA approval when you’re buying an eight ball from this man—why do you suddenly care when it’s something that could save your life?
  • Studied between LL2 and Floor 1 in Perkins: I don’t know about you, but every time I enter Perkins, my throat immediately begins to close up and my eyes start watering. Maybe my allergies are just exceptionally bad, but I’m pretty confident that there’s some sort of SARS variant in the Stacks.
  • Ate a Pitchforks Haystack: These are not made of real food. Every single element that goes into a Haystack is chock full of artificial flavoring, food dyes, and synthetic ingredients. Plus, the side effects of destroying one of these are way worse than a day of fatigue.
  • Lived on Central Campus: I may be dating myself a bit, but those who remember Central likely remember the black mold that was unfortunately present in the concurrently asbestos-ridden apartments. Some call it biological warfare, I call it character building.
  • Gone through banking/consulting recruitment: Great! You’ve already sold your soul and likely given up all of your personal information. How could the vaccine be any worse?
  • Interacted with someone in Mirecourt: Yes, we all know that Greek life is toxic. But we also need to acknowledge that being in Mirecourt is an actual disease. Between the concerning levels of substance use, incestuous hook-up culture, and aversion to standard personal hygiene practices, this is the only social group that I truly believe could spread COVID via fist bump. At least frats pay someone to clean up after them.

As soon as you’re eligible to get the vaccine, go get it. I fucking hate needles and didn’t even feel the shot going into my arm (Moderna baby!). There’s nothing in this world I want more than to go to a bar (maybe even Shooters), get absurdly drunk, and beg the DJ to play Trisha Paytas. Don’t rob me of this experience.

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March 2021

In Defense of the Durham IFC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories
DDO Issues February 2021

February 2021

FEBRUARY 2021

Marriage Pact Couple Spotted Consummating New Relationship on Bryan Center Bench!

Let’s use this year to fix K-ville: part 2

From Sappho to Siwa: An Ode to JoJo

The Armie Hammers of Duke

Positive Affirmations for the Inevitable COVID-19 Campus Lockdown

EvAnth Department Advises Duke on COVID Response, Proposes Pilot “FUCK IT” Program

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February 2021

Marriage Pact Couple Spotted Consummating New Relationship on Bryan Center Bench!

BREAKING! Your Marriage Pact match was your ex. Or maybe your match was really hot, but they left you on read after you sent them a pickup line about the French Revolution. Either way, they sucked. 

Unfortunately, not all of us were so unlucky. Earlier this week, our source spotted a couple sporting “I’M WITH STUPID” and “I’M STUPID” tees, uh, occupying a bench in the Bryan Center…and they were definitely not six feet apart (if you catch my drift). When I asked how our source knew that couple had discovered one another through the matchmaking service, he said that he recognized their lustful look–those big, round honeymoon-phase eyes tinged slightly with future regret, reserved only for Shooter’s hookups and, apparently, ideal future spouses (?)

Now, here at Dept. Of, we try our best not to pass judgement. I’m all for being with the person you want to be with. But…in the Bryan Center? Really? I mean, if the smell of Panda Express is what gets you in the mood…but couldn’t you have just walked to your dorm…or, like, snuck into the Gardens?

The culprits’ identities remain a mystery because, well, no one wants to look at that security footage (and can you blame them?!). However, our source did want me to tell our readers that he did report the incident to whoever’s in charge of that type of thing and that the benches are being removed for a very thorough cleaning. So maybe it’s not such a bad thing you have to stand up while you eat your grilled cheese from The Loop–I know I won’t look at that neon-colored pleather the same way ever again.

Categories
February 2021

Let’s use this year to fix K-ville: Part 2

Covid has left many gaping voids in all of our lives. Duke students are missing Shooters, cheering for an above .500 basketball team, getting distracted in class by staring at their crushes in person rather than over zoom, and generally just having a positive outlook on life. All of these things, and so much more, are gone. Someone please help me, I’m not having fun. 

For a large contingent of Cameron Crazies, the most obvious thing missing this Spring semester are the hours spent tenting in K-ville. I miss every cold, wet, uncomfortable moment spent cursing out the line monitors. 

Speaking of those power-trippers, recent graduate and former line monitor Charlie Gelman released an article criticizing huge parts of their tenting process. Anyone out of the loop can read it here: http://charliegel.github.io/. This was a crazy article, where Charlie talked about his own experiences and released INTERNAL line mumbler data to roast the ineptitude of the system. Some are praising him as the Edward Snowden of tenting. Still others are saying, “who is Charlie Gelman?”

Charlie talked about a lot of things, including how their rush process is more of a popularity contest than about being a Crazie, how the average line moniker spends less time in K-ville per tenting season than the average white tenter (🤢 🤢), and how they do not get punished for doing less than their minimum required hours. 

Luckily, Department Of has infiltrated the ranks of the line leaders, and we have compiled a list of all of the rest of their most scandalous internal practices.

  1. Gelman’s article said the average line licker spends only 7 hours per week in K-ville (compared to 36 for black tenters, 20 for blue, and 11 for white). However, they spend a whole 13 hours per week just staring at themselves in the mirror with those gameday striped overalls on! Think about all that time that could be instead spent terrorizing the study tent. 
  2. The article says that line manglers who fail to meet internal requirements actually face no consequences and can still go to the UNC game. This is false. While they are allowed to go to the game, afterwards, Crazy Towel Guy gets to spank them with a ruler once for every requirement they missed. You can decide for yourself whether this is a punishment or actually a reward.
  3. Charlie also ran the numbers and found that the average line laborer actually does the minimum amount of work required of them. Sure, several of them love K-ville and go above and beyond, but on average they try to just scrape by. This checks out, since the average line laborer is also a Polisci major. 
  4. He also talks about their 2am test: during the line lagger application process, they ask themselves “would I like to run a 2am check with this person,” making the application a popularity contest rather than about commitment to K-ville and Duke basketball. However, he failed to mention their 3am test: they also ask themselves, “after the 2am tent check, would I want this person to join me in our 3am cult ritual of sacrificing a virgin (BME major) while doing satanic chants?”
  5. Speaking of low commitment to Duke basketball, most lick leaders, the ones who are supposed to be the stewards of K-ville and the most rabid basketball fans, cannot even spell Kyrwezzewyski. They also still tie their shoes with the bunny ears method and haven’t figured out how to walk and chew gum at the same time. 

Of course, all of the head line monitors and VP’s of tenting read Charlie Gelman’s article. Once they saw his well-articulated arguments supported by compelling statistics and anecdotes, they realized they had an issue and started making changes to improve the line leaders and make tenting a more equitable system.

Ha! Of course they didn’t! Why would they change a system that gives them all the power and doesn’t make them do any work? Nothing has changed. It’s like 2008 all over again, except worse; I would rather live in a country where 1% of bankers own 99% of the nation’s wealth than at a University where line lickers spend less time in K-ville than white tenters.  Luckily, I get to do both!

Clearly, the LM system is rife with issues that may be difficult to fix. Now comes the time where I have to get political and make statements regarding the two most important issues facing our country: make the line monitors tent, and legalize recreational cocaine!

Categories
February 2021

From Sappho to Siwa: An Ode to JoJo

From ancient Greece reigned Sappho,
Lyrical lesbian, poet extrodinare
Wooing women with poems, with violets
With just a twirl of her long, brown hair.

But Sappho’s poems were fragmented and old
Unfit for the readers of today,
The lesbians needed someone new, someone bold
A fresh icon to sweep them all away. 

TikTok saw her sing “Born this way,”
And met her with a chorus of “hey mamas”
She refuted with a post to say “I’m taken,”
Confessing her love of her (one-month) girlfriend for the drama.

A new force for the (L)GBT,
JoJo Siwa came (out) onto the scene.
With a bow-adorned high ponytail swinging,
Jojo exuded both power and a new beginning.

This is an ode to you, dear JoJo
May you live and love happily as you tote the (rain)bow.

Cheers! To the newest d*ke on the scene,
And all hail our new lyrical lesbian queen!