Well, if you’re just like me and wondering where your time and 300,000+$ (non-refundable) to Duke University went, it’s probably time for you to graduate and get out of this lovely, beautiful, soul-sucking institution. We know that COVID robbed us seniors of the lovely 1.2 years we could have spent watching Netflix in our luxurious classrooms instead of at each of our parents’ house, but we still had the chance to make many good memories, like getting drunk at that one frat house and being Ubered back or learning all of physics in one night of hyperstudying. As you revisit your memories (and the parts you’d want to burn in the bonfire that didn’t happen), don’t forget to complete these important items for your special graduation day!
- Add Mary Barra on LinkedIn and get her to add you- Listen, I’m fucking mad that she’s our graduation speaker this year too, but if she (hypothetically) hooked me up with a job at GM and/or one of the electric vehicles, then I’d respect her for life.
- Burn all of your notes – Unless you’re studying for MCAT, LSAT, or whatever bullshit acronym someone made to mean “hard long test,” you don’t need these notes. Start clean. Engulf your notes in flames. And may the things you’re actually going to use from here arise from the ashes like a phoenix. Like how to write a grant proposal. Or how to update your resume for your job. Basically anything related to begging people for money.
- Create a memento of your time at Duke – for me, I’m taking my Pitchforks receipts I kept lying around and assembling them to look like President Price’s million-dollar face.
- Dine at the Nasher – and pretend you’re a fancy businessperson as you order things that are way outside of your food point budget. Risotto du Jour? Yes please.
- Embrace your friends – have one last hurrah! It’ll be the last time you get to fool around with them before the grasps of adulthood take hold of your body and they become mere contacts on your phone.
- Follow all your friends on insta – so you can see the wonderful places they’re going after graduation like Silicon Valley, Los Angeles, and of course, San Francisco!
- Give an awkward tour of campus to your family – as your family members ooh and ahh over the grandiose Duke Chapel, the lush Duke Gardens, the spacious Perkins and Bostock libraries, and the glass edifice (you could throw a rock at it) of the Wilkinson Building, you’ll be wondering what they find so compelling about these buildings you got tired of after 2 months of being here.