Between DukeEngage and the myriad of “service learning” opportunities peddled on campus, it’s clear that Duke loves entrusting its (not-at-all qualified) students to be great change-makers in the world’s (and Durham’s) vulnerable communities. The most recent scheme? Letting a statistically-significant sample of undergraduates, with various majors and backgrounds represented, decide the 2020 election.
We wanted to hear how Duke students are voting, so we conducted some interviews to find out:
Facebook offer comp sci sellout:
“I know I’m going to get a lot of hate for this, but I’m voting for Trump. Tell me you’ve seen the way AOC and those other left-wingers tried to destroy Mark Zuckerberg. So uncool and disrespectful. I’m totally a Democrat, but the current “Democrats” in the House are basically communists. What happened to respecting free speech and the fundamental right to big data? Plus, I want a president who will respect my right as a future-software-engineer to create a platform that refuses to censor right-wing extremist groups. But if anyone asks, I’m voting for Jo Jorgensen.”
McKinsey offer pub pol sellout:
“Obviously I’m voting for Biden—what kind of question is that? Honestly, I was into Bloomberg, but Biden was a strong second choice. If there’s anything I learned in my four years of public policy curriculum, it’s the importance of meticulously-structured, perfectly objective, solutions to promote incremental change, leveraging the stakeholders who have the most education and experience as executives. I mean why else do you think I took my job with McKinsey? I’ll make way more of a social impact than I ever could working for some small non-profit.”
The girl in your class whose abroad semester got cancelled:
“Look, this is a really sensitive topic for me, but I think I’m going to have to go with Trump. This is entirely selfish, but I honestly think that Biden would close all our borders and forbid Americans from any international travel. I already had to have my semester in Madrid cancelled, effectively barring me from the life-changing abroad experience. My parents are giving me a summer trip to Europe out of pity, and I’m not going to sacrifice that just because of some scary Supreme Court nomination.”
Socially liberal, fiscally conservative econ major:
“Woke” sorority girl:
“I am so proud to vote Kamala Harris for president. Yes, I know she’s just the running mate, but we all know she’ll do the governing. She is such a girlboss, like I’m just obsessed with her. And even though she was a career prosecutor, I think it just shows what a great leader she is. Like, I totally understand how much it can suck to be the “bad guy” or the one who upholds “laws.” In rush last year, I had to cut a bunch of girls that I really, really liked, because even though they’re from Fairfield County, they went to public school, you know? Anyways, I just want to underscore the importance of voting—remember, your vote is for every woman out there; we’re all sisters… It’s what RBG would’ve wanted; rest in power. (aside) And can you take a picture with me to post on Insta show how much I just care about democracy? Thanks! Love you so much!”
Self righteous campus activist:
“Oh, me? I’m not voting…Uh huh, yup, you heard me right. Both candidates are old, pathetic, corporate, white men. Neither of them care a bit about police brutality, race relations, women, or people’s lives. I wanted Bernie, but the party forced him out just like in 2016 to further their neo-liberal agenda. This whole thing is a sham. The only way out is through a true revolution, but until then, I refuse to support anyone who’s willing to compromise with a capitalist system. In fact, fuck anyone who benefits from capitalism to begin with!…Yes, I’m receiving an endowed merit scholarship—why do you ask?”
So, do you think this is better or worse than the electoral college?
We aren’t sure either, but there’s one thing department of is sure of: Don’t just trust your fellow Duke students to make decisions for you; go vote.
In an impassioned plea this summer, Coach K got in front of a camera and urged anyone who was watching to go out and vote in the upcoming election. He said, “voting is the great equalizer. When we vote, we’re all equal.”
It’s a great message. If we ignore the fact that every vote in Wyoming counts for three votes in California, it’s true! When we vote, we all count equally.
So I’m proud to say that I count for five people.
That’s right, I’m voting five times in this coming election. Now, I know you must have some questions, like “isn’t that voter fraud?” “is that illegal?” “could you go to jail for that?” As it turns out, the answers are “Yes,” “a felony, actually,” and “absolutely!”
Not that you need any more convincing, but here are several more reasons why you too should commit voter fraud this election cycle.
The best way to vote several times:
As you’ve surely heard from that ad with Obama on YouTube, it’s crucial to make a plan to vote. Here is mine. Hopefully, you have enough time to follow along yourself:
MOST IMPORTANTLY, I never took an “I voted” sticker. The government puts microchips in those to track you and keep voter records.
If you use a different, legitimate address every time, they’re never going to find out. What’s the government going to do, cross reference your name with every other voter? Don’t be ridiculous. They can’t even make you show up for jury duty.
In the absolute worst-case scenario, just tell the government official that tries to arrest you for voting multiple times that you just forgot, or you thought that the early voting site was just for practice. Cops tend to be pretty understanding and forgiving.
… This article might get me in trouble.
Dating at Duke is hard. Dating at Duke during a pandemic is even harder. Without the safety blankets of drunken nights at Shooters and Devine’s or sexual tension-filled eye contact on third floor Perkins, one might wonder if finding love is even possible.
A new, exclusive program from Duke University Union wants to change that: The Duke Bachelorette. Embracing the spirit of toxic heteronormativity, one lucky undergraduate woman will have the opportunity to be wooed by Duke’s best and brightest men. Staying true to the integrity of the franchise, here are your contestants:
You’ve met them—maybe you’ve even dated them, but quarantine still has you bored enough to have genuine interest in seeing how this all pans out. Tune in every Wednesday at 10:00PM (prime Shooters time, rip). Fill out this Google Form for the exclusive Zoom link.
Hershey’s Chocolate Bar: Like any other Hershey’s candy, you’re probably really great at first, but you gradually become intolerable.
Red Hot Tamales, Fun Dip, or Sour Punch Straws: You’re either an anarcho-communist or a radical right-wing terrorist.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: This is a good choice. You probably grew up in a suburb and played soccer, tennis, or lacrosse. Actually, I’m willing to bet you played all three.
Reese’s Pieces: You definitely bit people at the playground when you were younger– honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you still do. I bet you’re as unhygienic as the Reese’s Pieces dispenser at the local arcade that’s full of stale candy and old band-aids.
Kit Kat: The only word that’s coming to mind is “silly.”
Starbursts: You’re good unless you like to get into heated arguments about which flavour is the best and drag it out for way too long. Wrap it up, Mitch McConell.
Snickers: Snickers are good, but they’re not that good, which makes me think you’re content with yourself and the world around you. Go find something to be mad about. Because you can still be you and be pissed off at everything, regardless if you’re hungry.
M&Ms: You’re either a five-year-old boy who loves matchbox cars or an adderall-addict. Maybe both. Who knows?
Normal Tootsie Rolls: Go back to the 1930s, Grandpa.
Flavoured Tootsie Rolls: Go to hell.
Junior Mints: Good choice, although your growth was probably stunted from the combination of the 1000% of your recommended daily sugar intake that was in each piece and the fumes from the mint.
Haribo Gummies: There’s no way you haven’t studied abroad in Europe and then been super annoying about it ever since. If you haven’t yet, you probably will.
Skittles: You definitely like Spiderman and probably wish it was still 2007, but don’t we all?
Nerds: A combination of sugar and energy drinks keeps you up all night. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sleep. Seek professional help.
Milky Way: the nice, popular kid of candies; either you’re the same or you’re projecting.
Milk Duds: Aside from the abundance of cavities you’ve had– the number of which suggests you’ve gotten more than one on each tooth– you’re chilling. A little old-fashioned, maybe, but not necessarily in a bad way.
Whoppers: You either look like the guy from Monopoly or are 8-year-old me. Either way, bravo.
Runts: You have the same energy as a McDonald’s play structure.
Blow Pops: You’re so weird, but you embrace it, and everyone loves you for it.
Sour Patch Kids: The food dye they pumped into this definitely messed you up a little, but you’re fun.
Airheads: Once your days of terrorizing your fourth and fifth grade classrooms are done, it’s over for you. Just admit you already peaked and move on.
Dots: Interesting choice. You definitely like black olives and mayonnaise.
Smarties: Stop snorting the powder.
Payday: You’re a Republican.
Swedish Fish: You probably bullied me.