September 2020

September 2020

September 2020

Duke Compact Violation Bingo
Op-Ed from Disgruntled Sorority Member
The Real Reasons Duke Dropped 3 Places in the USNWP College Rankings
Your Handled items: where are they now?
I Read the Duke Compact So You Don’t Have To
Staying at the Corona Lodge
Seven Deadly Sins of Zoom Classes
A REAL Love Story in the Times of Coronavirus
Overheard At Marketplace

September 2020

Duke Compact Violation Bingo

September 2020

Op-Ed from Disgruntled Sorority Member

Question for the culture:

Once all of this social distancing and social justice stuff is over—can I please go back to late-nighting in dirty frat houses, Amazon Prime-ing expensive themed outfits for questionably themed mixers, or being a loyal Shooters patron—or whatever I want—without being crucified or saying that I’m glamorizing rape culture and white privilege??????

I’m fed up with my unaffiliated Duke women saying that I’m an elitist when in reality I’m just a person born into privilege (not my choice!) seeking genuine relationships in a community of girls I can relate to, which is more important than ever considering the treatment of women all over the world.

With all of the topics women are finally allowed to explore I just want to say, over the last ten years, I think it’s pathetic that my choice to join a community of like-minded women who enjoy having a sisterhood and going to exclusive social events together has often made people say I’ve set women back hundreds of years.

Let this be clear, I’m not not a feminist—but there has to be a place in feminism for women who look and act like me—the kind of woman who wants to curate a friend group of people who share her background—the kind of women who are slated mercilessly for being their authentic, delicate selves. The kind of women who get their own stories and voices taken away from them by radical Illyria girls or misogynistic ex-DSig guys.

I’ve been honest and optimistic about the challenges I’ve faced in Greek Life.

News flash! That’s just how it is for many women.

And that was sadly my experience up until the point that the “Abolish Greek Life” account started. So I just want to say it’s been a long three years of bullshit up until recently and I’ve learned a lot from them.

But I also feel Panhel really paved the way for other women to stop ‘putting on a happy face’ and to just be able to act however the hell they wanted to on campus—unlike my experience where if I even expressed my personal experience as someone with a summer home I was deemed literally bourgeois as though it was literally Communist Russia.

Anyways, none of this has anything to do about much but I’ll be detailing some of my feelings in my next Instagram stories. Yes, I’m still posting about the importance of voting for Joe Biden which I’m very happy about. And I’m sure there will be tinges of what I’ve been pondering in my next op ed which will be published in The Chronicle.

Thanks for reading.

****When I said people who look like me—I meant the people who are thin and beautiful and don’t look necessarily smart, or like they’re in control etc. It’s about advocating for a more feminine personality, not for white women—thanks for the Karen comments tho. V helpful.****

September 2020

The Real Reasons Duke Dropped 3 Places in the USNWP College Rankings

If you’re like me and most other Duke students, all you care about is image. Your recent concerns may include, “Is my resume more impressive than my roommate’s?” “Did Emma from film class notice my new haircut and flannel last zoom class?” and, recently, “Why did Duke drop 3 places in the college rankings?”

For us Dukies, it’s by far the worst news of 2020. We dropped from the 9th best University in the country to the 12th. These inexplicable new rankings are putting our status as an elite school in jeopardy, since anything outside of the top 10 is mediocre at best. Can we still consider ourselves a fake Ivy if the only Ivies that we are ranked above are Dartmouth, Brown, and SUNY-Ithaca? Those are barely even Ivy League. And we’re ranked below goddamn Northwestern?! Who the fuck goes to Northwestern?! Their chapel is a third the size of ours! I could have gotten in there in my sleep!

Fortunately for you, the hard-hitting journalists from Department Of have uncovered the list of real reasons why U.S. News and World Report dropped us by three rankings. You’re welcome. 


  • Marketplace Dinners


The recent news confirms what we all already knew: Marketplace themed dinners are the backbone of the Duke undergraduate experience. There is no better meal on campus than Marketplace Thanksgiving. I’ll say that again for the people in the back. Marketplace Thanksgiving is the. Best. Meal. Of. The. Year. 

In another tragic blow, Coronavirus took all of these heavenly meals away from us. Not just Thanksgiving but also fall fest, March madness, and around-the-world. I’m gonna miss the hot apple cider most of all. U.S. News had no choice but to drop us several rankings when we lost these tremendous events. 


  • Tiktok Presence


The one thing that sets apart the top 11 universities on the list is their Tiktok clout. Many major Universities now have Tiktoks, and as cringeworthy as that sounds, they’re mostly run by Gen Z meme-lords who post relatable content. The top 11 universities all have over 100,000 followers on Tiktok, but Duke doesn’t even have 5000! Truly disappointing. Even worse, it doesn’t even seem like Duke’s account is trying to grow, they haven’t even gotten on the “You have to stop” trend. Here, we can copy Yale, when their University bursar did a blind duet reaction to a Jason Derulo video. Or we can do as Stanford did and film our quarterback doing the WAP dance. Chase Brice is lacking.


  • Losing Zion


Alright, this one’s not true, but references to Zion increase clicks by 82%.


  • PubPol major


As every Trinity student knows, PubPol is a fake department designed to be an easy, stress-free, athlete major and give STEM students easy A’s in their distribution requirements. Despite this being well-known among students and faculty, turns out the media and outside world are unaware. Or at least, they were unaware until someone SNITCHED to the press. Now, we’re not ones to name names, but suffice it to say Tanner J. (class of ’23) is cancelled. When U.S. News found out that over 200 students per year were graduating with a fake PubPol major, they immediately dropped us two rankings.  


  • Lack of Interest in Tenting


U.S. News has long given us extra points for the tenting process, a totally unique, incredible few months that gives our school more character and shows off our spirit. I mean, who wouldn’t want to get to grow close to a group of 11 other tentmates inside of a tight-knit community of tents on K-Ville? And getting into section 17 during the UNC game? That’s priceless. There are zero downsides. Still, for some reason, interest in tenting has fallen consistently every year, and U.S. News has taken notice. They know anyone who decided not to tent must be too dumb to go to a top 10 school. I mean, you’d have to be stupid not to tent. That’s right, I’m calling you stupid for not having tented last year. 

Oh, and also, we can’t tent because of Corona. 


  • Vincent Price


U.S. News googled “Vincent Price” to find information on our President, and they did not like what they saw. Our President shares his name with a famous, very old actor, and U.S. News just assumed that in 2017 we elected this long-dead, actor with no experience in higher education who is best known for his horror films. And let’s be real, no one liked House on Haunted Hill (1959). 

Interestingly, US News made a similar mistake when evaluating MIT, mistakenly assuming their president, L. Rafael Reif, is the father of Pamela Reif. But, of course, Pamela Reif is a queen whose workout videos are amazing, so this only helped MIT. 


  • Thom Tillis


Y’all, please vote this November. The fact that he’s still our Senator deserves to drop us more. 


  • Housing
  • Newly completed dorms like Trinity and Hollows? Positives! 
  • The fact that Jarvis somehow still exists? Negative. 
  • Robust RA and RC program with selected Faculty in Residence? Positives! 
  • Everyone is still waiting on their belongings from last Spring? Big negative. 
  • Integration of the WaDuke and Blue Light as housing options? Positive! 
  • Announcing that only first and second years get to live on campus in fall less than three weeks before classes start, effectively evicting upperclassmen from their planned residences and forcing them out of Durham? Oh.

            Oh no.

September 2020

Your Handled items: where are they now?

Department Of’s theories as to the who/what/when/why/why of (mis)Handled.

Duke is furnishing an underground bunker for Larry Moneta and Tallman Trask

You thought Larry Moneta left Duke? Wrong. In the age of cancel culture, Duke is in the process of refurbishing an underground bunker for their admin members who are a bit more on the racist side. Your Target futon will keep Tallman Trask comfortable as he voices his opinions on BLM in his soundproof chamber. They couldn’t force him into retirement and he was tainting Duke’s image, so they’re waiting to release him until he’s old enough for them to blame his racism on senility.  

Panhel and IFC Lost and Found

In their latest effort for reform, Panhel and IFC seized a variety of items for Handled to be used as a lost and found. Anna Oberlin, the Panhel representative leading the project, explains, “Yeah, it’s targeted at the low-income members of our sororities. We want them to fit in, so they can pick up a pair of Golden Goose Superstars or other abandoned luxury sneakers—no questions asked. It’s literally such a steal.” Robby de Graaf, IFC rep, added: “I think it’s such a good way to give back. Like, yeah, Handled took a bunch of my clothes because I was too lazy to claim them, but I can just buy new stuff!”

Admin misunderstood student calls to redistribute wealth

Just in case you still didn’t know, yes, Duke admin does monitor social media. They’re “very aware” of the meme group and they’re known to occasionally lurk on Twitter. After Mary Pat McMahon informed him that students were demanding Duke to “redistribute wealth” and “seize the means of production,” Joe Gonzalez decided to do exactly that. But Dean Joe thought redistribution of wealth meant taking all of your valuables and dropping them off at Goodwill. B+ for trying?

Sold items to fund DUPD

Duke stole all your valuables (and your worthless shit too) and sold them on Facebook Marketplace to be able to keep funding DUPD and invest more in fossil fuels. They steal your stuff → you file a police report → we all keep DUPD afloat.

Duke wanted to “support local businesses”

In an effort to support small businesses, Duke entrusted all of its students’ belongings to a seven-month-old company with months of one-star reviews. Turns out Handled is neither local nor small, but gross in size and in incompetence. 

Handled “Marie Kondo-ed” your room

Were your items really “essential”? As part of training, all Handled employees watched Marie Kondo’s Netflix special and were trained in the art of minimalism. Thus, as they carefully pondered each of your items, contemplating whether they’d end up in your box, your roommate’s box, a box across the quad, in the trash, or in their own pocket, they asked, “Does this spark joy?”*

*If the answer to them was a resounding “yes,” they pocketed it. 

2Hot2Handle(ed): Handled as a matchmaking service

Your valuables were meant to be as far away from you as possible! Handled shipped them to someone they think you and your airpods are meant to be with.

September 2020

I Read the Duke Compact So You Don’t Have To

I know you didn’t read the terms and services of iOS 14 before agreeing to them—you were in a rush to add a photo widget of your dog to your homescreen. And I know you didn’t read the Duke Compact either. But I did. And just for you, dear readers, I’ve compiled a list of my findings (you can thank me later). 

  • Duke is tracking your location through the Wi-Fi. Even though you might not have a roommate this year that looks at you disappointedly after coming home from hooking up with your ex, someone at OIT knows you were in another room until 7am, and that someone is judging you. 
  • Even though large gatherings aren’t permitted, some religious services of over 10 people are, so you and 9 of your closest pals could technically go sauntering through K-ville at 3am, claiming to be “paying your respects to God (Zion) and also Jesus (Zion).” 
  • Better yet, if you’re in the mood to relive some pre-Corona memories, failing to complete your daily SymMon will suspend access to your dorm room and will thus land you a prime opportunity to practice for tenting whenever KVille opens again. 
  • 6 feet of physical distance is mandatory in all indoor public spaces, including the dining halls, classrooms, and bathrooms, unless you’re using a condom provided to you by Student Health, in which case you can use the wrapper as a “get out of jail free card.”
  • There’s a snitch line!  
  • You’re not allowed to leave Durham, but you can still have fun!!! For example, you could find the city limits and take your own Four Corners Monument-inspired pics at the border of Chapel Hill and Durham.
  • Duke’s trying really hard to avoid that whole “cheese touch” phenomena that plagued your fourth grade playgrounds by “destigmatizing” students who catch corona. So you can’t post a Snap of the girl down the hall from you moving her things to Jarvis because she tested #positive. 
  • Don’t bother trying to report fake symptoms for a mental health break at The Lodge either–not even COVID will get you out of your daily student responsibilities and classes <3
September 2020

A REAL Love Story in the Times of Coronavirus

Once upon a time, a Duke University student was walking from Perkins towards the parking lot near the stadium. His name was Charlie and he happened to be wearing a pink mask. He was also carrying a big brown bag filled with books. 

At that same exact point in time, a girl was walking from the parking lot near the stadium towards Perkins. Her name was Rose, and she was wearing a mask as well, but this one happened to be the color blue. 

The time was 10:55 a.m. Rose had an appointment to be at Perkins to pick up some books from 11:00 – 11:30 a.m., only because someone else had already taken the 10:30 – 11:00 a.m. slot. She had class at 11:15 that she needed to attend, which meant she needed to drive back to her apartment right after. She was really rushing, and her mask was making it hard to breathe. 

“I need to hurry, or I will be late to pick up my books!”, Rose thought to herself as she was running at full velocity. “Wow, the campus is deserted. There is absolutely no one here.” 

“Wow, this bag of books is heavy,” thought Charlie, “I’m so glad my roommate got evicted. Now I get the room all to myself and I can place my books on his bed.” Looking around, he recognized the emptiness of the campus. “I guess I can get all the campus to myself, too.” He took in a huge breath of air. “Ahhhhh…. Freedom!” 

His momentary lapse of peace was soon interrupted when he noticed a girl running at top speed towards him. Shocked, he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. “What the heck? You don’t see that every day, especially not in a pandemic.” His breathing kept fogging up his glasses (he’s wearing a mask, remember?), so he struggled to see who she was. 

While she ran towards him, Rose thought to herself, “Who is this moron standing in the middle of the empty campus? I need to get to the library and this guy is in my way. Oh gosh I hope he doesn’t stop to talk to me. Not now. Creep. Please. Creep. Move creep, get out the way. Please don’t stop and talk to me. Not now. Not ever.” 

Rose was bolting. As she approached him, she recognized that he used to be in one of her classes. He was the boy she had fallen in love with before the pandemic started. “Oh wow. Oh wait. I remember him from one of my bio classes. Yeah…his name was…Charlie. Yea. I can’t believe he’s seeing me like this. Gosh. How embarrassing. I hope he yells out to me and says something. Oh, but my books, I gotta get them and then make it to class. Whatever – boys are always doing the opposite of what they should be doing. They talk to you when we don’t want them to talk to us and they ignore us when we want them to talk to us.”

Charlie, meanwhile, was thinking, “I gotta find out why she’s running.” He stayed stone cold in the middle of the empty campus watching Rose run straight for him.

“Hey, is your refrigerator running?!” Charlie yelled.

Rose thought, “Are you kidding me, dude? That was the best you came up with?” She just ignored him.

“Hey! Rose, is that you!?” 

She slowed down to a stop. She only did so because he recognized who she was, otherwise she would have continued given his embarrassing attempt at a pick-up line.

Rose panted from her excess running. “Hi…(pant)…Charlie?… (pant)… is that you? Yes. It’s me…(pant)…Rose.” 

“Oh wow! How have you been?”

“Wow, he’s still just as dreamy as before. Even his voice has that gentle touch”, thought Rose. She blushed. She replied, “I’ve been pretty good, given everything that has happened. You?”

“Wow, even now she makes my heart sing”, thought Charlie. “I wonder if she ever knew how I felt about her.” He replied to her, “I’ve been pretty well. But there is one thing that has not been well with me.”

“What’s that?” Rose asked curiously.

“I have not been able to see you. It has killed me.” 


“I’ve been thinking about you since they forced us out of campus back in March.”

“Oh Charlie!”

“Yes! Rose! It’s true.”

“Charlie, I have felt the same way!” 

Charlie could not believe his ears. All this time, he had thought it was only him, and that his feelings towards her were the only ones in the world. To hear about a reciprocation was alien to him – he had not thought it possible.

“Oh, Rose.” 

Looking straight into each other’s eyes, she winked at him. He winked back.  She approached him, coming about three feet away from his body. 

All of a sudden, Charlie gasped and jolted back. “Are you crazy?!” Charlie screamed.

Rose, startled, replied, “What the heck, Charlie! Way to kill the vibe.”

“Six feet!” he snapped. 

“You have got to be kidding me…” she said aloud. “Charlie, I’ve fallen for you ever since I laid eyes on you last semester. You can’t be serious.”

“I’m being serious here… about my health.” 

“Charlie, are you kidding me? I just wanted to give you a hug. You can’t do this to me. I’m not going to take this.” 

Rose did the unthinkable. She went up to him, pulled down his pink mask, and kissed him on the lips. 

What followed was an earth-shattering cry that echoed across the empty campus. The chapel’s carillon started tolling. He broke free from the clutches of her lips. 

“No! No! No!” Charlie shrieked. He quickly reached for his hand sanitizer, not delaying one second. He opened it and put it all over his mouth and wiped it all over his lips. 

“I can’t take any chances!”

His mouth was tingling. He was beginning to feel sick. 

“Oh no. Rose. I think I swallowed too much hand sanitizer.” He was really struggling now.


Charlie collapsed on the sidewalk. Rose gasped and fell to her knees. 

“No! What have I done?! Oh heart of mine! You who spurn our hearts so! How much you have robbed from me!” 



September 2020

Staying at the Corona Lodge

Before we start, we’d like to give a big shout out to SymMon for being a snitch.

Here is what you can look forward to during your stay at The Lodge, better known as the isolation hotel: 

  • The snack pantry/food stock is insane and will give you that other “Covid-19” if you’re not careful. Try not to make too much microwave pad thai and oatmeal. 
  • There is a bit of trash in the hallways, but don’t be alarmed because there are also only tiny trash bins in the rooms, so basically there is trash everywhere. Enjoy your stay! 
  • People will try to convince you that the meal service is good. Well. It’s not. And you’ll try to enjoy it, thinking, at least it’s not NYU! That is, until you open your little plastic container and see your mashed potatoes floating in an inch of condensation water. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
  • There are very fancy waters, so drink up because there is literally nothing else to do. Also don’t feel bad if you steal a few on your way out…we definitely did.
  • The people you will meet are unwell. They have been locked up for days, maybe even weeks, so act with caution. You never know what they might do…
  • The walls are paper-thin, so don’t even think about talking shit over Facetime about the delusional people you meet. THEY WILL HEAR YOU. Also, don’t cry, or watch tv, or cough, or – actually, just don’t do anything because THEY WILL HEAR YOU. 
  • Try not to have too much fun when your smoke detector starts beeping about having a low battery at 4 am, or when you have to call the front desk to ask for a replacement three hours later, or when you’re using WikiHow to figure out how to change the battery, or when you realize they gave you the wrong battery and you find yourself asking your private story what you did to deserve such bad karma.
  • Zooming into your in-person classes isn’t so embarrassing until weeks later when you realize that you were *not* displayed on your prof’s laptop like you thought you would be, but instead, had been pictured on a sizable flat-screen TV, enlarged to 5x the size of an average person.
  • Speaking of TVs, yes, your room will have one….but guess what? There are only 6 channels. And one of them is Fox News.
  • The microwaves are in foreign languages?? One of our microwaves was in Spanish, and the other’s was in French. “Why?” You might ask. “No sé” we will answer. All we can say is kudos to Duke for extending their international reach.
  • The isolation care team ladies will become your new besties after offering to buy you pizza bagels to make you feel more at home. Also, they will check on you to make sure you’ve been eating. As if you could resist the Velvita microwave mac’ n cheese.
September 2020

Seven Deadly Sins of Zoom Classes

  1. Flushing a toilet unmuted. If it could disrupt the Supreme Court, it can sure as hell disrupt your clumsily maintained Zoom classroom. Normally you’d ask your professor to use the bathroom, but if you flush your toilet unmuted, you bypass that permission altogether. Now your teacher isn’t thinking “how long did you actually spend in the bathroom?” anymore, they’re thinking “Do you even give a shit?” Which, clearly you just did. Indeed, in this scenario, shit has hit the fan.
  2. Forgetting you’re unmuted while talking to your roommate. The professor either slaps the “mute all participants” button or shyly asks, “Sorry what was your question?” even though it was clearly a question of what white claw flavor to get and not about the lecture. And don’t even get me started on being unmuted while either typing on your computer or shuffling things around – ah yes, nothing like the fresh sound of your untrimmed nails tapping away right before my lecture on mitochondria and cell reproduction.
  3. Changing your name to “[whatever your first initial is].money.” You know your professor doesn’t have to memorize your name during Zoom classrooms, so they’re probably looking extra hard at your name field. And the look of confusion and slight disappointment on your professor’s name as they read your name out loud says it all.
  4. Pinning someone’s video. Hey I get it. There’s that one cute person you wanna get a better look at, someone has an interesting background, you want to pay attention to the professor, or you’re just straight up bored. But there’s nothing more nerve-racking than pinning someone and seeing their eyes move as if they just got a notification about it. Is there one? Does Zoom even have the technology to detect that? Am I the only crazy person that pins random people? We may never know but I’m sure as hell not taking that risk again.
  5. Changing your virtual background to a non-topical meme. Listen, memes die much quicker nowadays, so unless your background photo is very clear to everyone else, there’s a good chance that everyone will be confused by what you’re trying to do. I once had to explain why I had my background set to the savage patrick meme other than “uhh, i just laughed at it?”
  6. Drawing on the screen using your computer mouse. We knew you weren’t an artist to begin with, but damn, I can’t even make out what you just scratched onto my laptop. Either you’re drawing a Venn Diagram with an arrow pointing to it or that’s a giant dick. Plus, chances are the host made annotation names visible so you’re fucked either way.
  7. Changing your name to “Reconnecting..” and turning your camera off. Look, I know playing with Zoom settings sounds cool and quirky, but the shame (and deep sadness) you feel after no one notices and you change your name back is not worth it. Trust me.
September 2020

Overheard at Marketplace

Marketplace is the infamous center of the East Campus social scene. All freshmen flock there for meals, so I thought it was the perfect place to meet new people. However, over the few weeks we have been here, I have overheard some questionable, but certainly amusing things. I know eavesdropping isn’t cool, but some of these quotations were too funny that I can’t help but share. 

‘hey dude, don’t worry my cousin is a senior and he said that he will hook us up with some juul pods’ 

‘shit, I’ve got a midterm due in half an hour and it takes 90 minutes to take’

‘omg you have found it hard settling in! Poor you! I’ve been making so many friends and staying up till 4am most nights!’

‘student loan, what’s that?’

‘I feel like I’m such a hairy girl’

‘My dog has dementia’

‘I have a UTI because I am too lazy to leave my room and pee’

‘Mia, you are not going to die, just hit this’

‘Omg that is such a cute name, is it a woman’s name or is it ambidextrous’ 

‘I spent all night working on the reading for todays’ discussion, and after taking half an hour to work up the courage to speak out, the professor hit me with: I think you missed the point…’

‘Hey, do you wanna hit the pen after’…’’dude wtf can you smoke stabilos?’

‘I’m going to my friend’s room tonight, but like you can’t come I’m sorry, it’s kind of exclusive’

I feel like this collection of quotations really illuminate the Duke Freshman experience. It’s comforting to know that even in the middle of a global crisis, business continues as usual.