March 2020

March 2020

March 2020

COVID-19 Action Plan Email
Perkins, In Detail
Duke Students as Democratic Presidential Nominees
Professor Uses Unique Onlyfans Platform for Online Classes
Zoom Bingo
Dean Sue and the White Claw: A Children’s Story
Self-Care for the Pandemic
Duke Dining from Home
COVID-19 Revised Syllabus
Essential items for Duke to ship back to me
Seniors Desperate in a Last Ditch Effort to Fulfill Graduation Requirements

March 2020

COVID-19 Revised Syllabus

Sent on March 22, 2020 to all students via Sakai

Dear Students,
I hope you all have returned home safely or have found an alternative safe place to live for the foreseeable future. The past two weeks have brought some difficult challenges but I believe we can continue our class as expected while practicing proper social distancing guidelines. In order to ensure this, appropriate changes have to be met to ensure that we can resume our studies unabated. As a result, the syllabus has been revised:

Participation (5%) – Our 10:05AM-11:20AM EDT lectures and discussions have been moved to Zoom. It is imperative that you show up to these meetings if possible, even though we’re reducing the participation points down and we now live in different time zones. I wake up at 7AM every day for this job and it’s about time you West Coast folks start doing the same. For Zoom, I request that you remain muted and turn off your video, unless you need to ask a question. If you do turn on your video, your virtual background must be off. I cannot have you disrupting the class with pictures of grass or whatever it is you children pose in front of. As for discussions, our TAs will be utilizing the Zoom whiteboard and drawing corresponding visuals with their mouse cursor, so please forgive them for their terrible artistic abilities in advance. We will be checking for participation on both the lectures and discussions, so please try to show up. If you can’t, make sure you’re doing the homework to compensate for your lack of self.

Midterms (25%) – The first midterm grade will now be worth 25% instead of 15% of your final grade. Many students will be disappointed with this change, so in order to quell your complaints, there will now be an optional paper due for this course in order to boost your midterm score. Standard Times New Roman, 12 font, single spacing about how the cases of COVID-19 fit the epidemiological curve and compare its impact on the economy and global health affairs with the impact of the Spanish influenza, due by March 27th. Get writing!

Final (25%) – The final is now being administered via Zoom and Sakai on Friday, May 1st at 7PM-10PM EDT. I know you have nothing better to do on Friday evening during lockdown. To ensure that none of you cheat on this closed-book exam, you will be required to attend a Zoom meeting online, where you will be split into 20 breakout rooms, each observed by a TA. This will ensure that you are silent while taking the exam. So please be quiet, otherwise a good amount of people will hear it. Once you are finished, you may submit on Sakai and leave the Zoom meeting. And since public health officials are suggesting to me to “flatten the curve,” the curve will be eliminated altogether for this exam, however, you will be able to adequately prepare via the remaining homeworks assigned this semester. Note there is also a prepared oral portion of the exam which you will perform in front of your TA and the other students in the breakout room. So get ready to impress your fellow classmates, and keep in mind, top performances will be posted on my WordPress website by the end of the semester.

Homeworks (40%) – Points from the final and participation grade have been reassigned to the homework section, so this section will be of most importance. Weekly assignments will continue as planned and will be submitted via Gradescope. There is a test assignment now available for submitting if you would like to test the system. Homeworks must be typeset. I recommend you download a LaTeX editor which will allow you to proper format your submissions. You can also click here for a quick LaTeX tutorial.

Textbook Readings (5%) – The textbook is now available online thanks to the generous support of our lovely textbook companies. No excuses for reading it now, fuckers. As a result, textbook reading points will be remaining the same. Also, our daily textbook checks will now be conducted via Kahoot instead of using our clickers (no refunds). We were going to use the clickers, but apparently they don’t work outside of a 50 foot radius of my laptop. We will send more information about these Kahoot checks later, but in the meantime, please avoid choosing a nickname other than your own name, otherwise, you or “sugar daddy” will not receive credit. By the way, you’re not being funny, and I will not tolerate such tasteless jabs at my education plan while you have me as professor.

Please wash your hands and stay healthy!

Firstname Lastname, PhD.
“I think, therefore I am” – Rene Descartes
Want to schedule an appointment with me? Too bad!

March 2020

Essential Items for Duke to Ship Back to Me

1. My weed
2. My bucket hat
3. The quarter handle of Tito’s in my closet
4. My Applebee’s gift card
5. My vibrator
6. The three month old heavenly buffalo’s ranch I’ve been saving in the fridge
7. My fake
8. My “saturdays are for the boys” socks
9. The half eaten bag of hot cheetos on my desk

March 2020

Dean Sue and the White Claw: A Children’s Story

Let me tell you boys & girls, the Duke community couldn’t wait
For the miraculous date of February 8th
With the diehard fans anticipating victory once more,
And the stressed students saying “I would watch, but I have a damn midterm to study for!”

It seemed like Duke was losing hope, as those in Perkins started to look away,
And Coach K began to bubble & boil with anger – oh wait – he just looks like that every day.
The hope faded in our hearts as skeptics kept googling the score
And the students in Perkins continued glazing through their textbook bored

But that didn’t stop the bros from gathering around the TV
Like Jack, Brad, Matt, and J.C.
In Chapel Hill, the Tar Heels are silenced as Tre bounces the ball off the rim
And scores 2 points at the last minute for a chance to win.

The once-busy students pushed their textbooks aside
And began streaming illegally from
And 1 hour after we expected failure,
We shot.
We shot.
And Tre won the game right there at the buzzer.

You might be thinking, why are you telling me this again?
Isn’t it the Chronicle’s job to write repetitive news appealing towards men?
Well, though the news coverage has been thorough,
We still must give a salute to Duke’s most unlikely hero.

For you see, Mother Nature was not pleased with Daddy Duke’s game of ball.
It seemed she wanted our beloved tradition to fall.
But alas, DSG had cancelled the bench burning.
Before the frat bros decided that shit was boring.

The white bench was laid out that day
Ready to be utterly consumed by the flames
But to save the bench from it’s inevitable doom,
in walks our hero: motherfucking Dean Sue.

Dean Sue appeared to be standing fine
Pushing the students back to safety lines.
But then one student came and brought it to her first:
A single White Claw to quench her thirst.

The crowd shouted out with glee:
“If you drink, we will leave”
“If you drink, we will leave”
“If you drink, we will leave”
And then it happened: it left everyone impressed.
She then held it to her lips, took a sip, hoping this would put it all to rest.

But nay, everyone shouted as she chugged the White Claw
And everyone pulled out their own ones in awe:
You could hear the glug, glug, glug, glug
As the crowd exclaimed at her to chug, chug, chug, chug
After she finished, she began drinking some water in haste
To make up for the White Claw’s nonexistent taste

Dean Sue was promptly taken away
But the whole crowd was now cheering her name
They all would remember, they would swear it was true.
The legendary one-drink tale of Dean Sue.

March 2020

Zoom Bingo

People start spamming F in the chat The professor is laggy as hell Somebody’s parent walks by in the background The CS kid figured out how to show a video loop of him in class
You sleep through your class FREE SPACE (you don’t wear pants) Your WiFi lags only during the important parts Someone has their speaker on so you hear everything twice
Students end up having to lecture the professor on zoom technology First week is “revised syllabus week” No one can hear the professor in lecture Professor’s screen is frozen
You’re the first to join the room with the professor People keep talking over you in discussion You watch the lecture later in 2x speed Your professor opens with “can everyone hear me?”
March 2020

Seniors Desperate in a Last-Ditch Effort to Fulfill Graduation Requirements

March 2020

Professor Uses Unique Onlyfans Platform for Online Classes

Hello class,

Hope everyone is safe and practicing the correct social distancing measures. I, myself, have been socially distancing myself from the haters for 56 years. Now I know many of your professors are opting to use Zoom as an online medium for teaching, but I have seen many reports of it being laggy and full of bugs. So, at the suggestion of my granddaughter, we will be using a new website called My granddaughter has said that it allows for a more enriching learning experience and better feedback from the audience. She also lent me a 4K 60 fps webcam to use, so hopefully you all will be able to clearly view my lecture slides. I have attached the 10-page revised syllabus below, and if you don’t read it and fill out the attached Google Form, I’m going to give you an Unsatisfactory in this easy-ass class, so have fun with that. Anyway if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to drawing various fruit on my Instagram story.

Best wishes,
Dr. Duke-fenshmirtz

March 2020

Self Care for the Pandemic

1. Soap is the new water. In that you should be washing your hands every hour and a half, before and after meals, and for 20 seconds. The Duke Memes Facebook group recommends singing Everytime we Touch while you wash your hands, but note that you should not be touching anyone.

2. If you’re coming home and have had the chance to bring home some luggage, don’t unpack it all yet! In fact, start packing for the fall semester! And yes, that means a lot of clothes you brought home can live in your suitcase. You probably don’t care how you look when you’re stuck in your house, so why break out the fancy clothes? Be proactive and get some work done by packing up early. This strategy also gives you the illusion that you’ll be moving away, greeting your cherished friends once more and living on your own. Afterwards, stare at that suitcase every day in the morning, thinking of when you’ll be able to move back into dorms or move into your new job on Wall Street. It’ll give you hope. Plus if you ever have to evacuate, you’ll be ready.

3. If you’re still at Duke, the good study rooms in the dorms or in the abandoned classrooms are now all yours. And if someone comes in, cough very loudly until they decide to leave. Treat yourself to some personal space. Same applies at home, too. Don’t let your sibling take what’s yours.

4. If you want to tone your abs while you’re at home, try doing some crunches. Lie with your knees pointed up, put your hands on your head, and contract your upper body towards your knees, then lower yourself back towards the floor. Repeat this until your abs get hard. And if you need to cry, you can turn sideways and lie down. There, there. It’ll be OK. (image from Google Images)

5. When you hit up the grocery store, be sure to buy in bulk. It’ll reduce the number of times you have to head back. Make sure to avoid contact with everyone and use the self-checkout line for your $200 worth of groceries, because you’re trying to avoid human contact. Get the essentials, like food, water, and soap. And toilet paper. Lots of toilet paper. Because how can you survive this pandemic without your very own toilet paper fort?

6. For my fellow gamers out there, now is the time to catch up on all of the games you’ve missed out on. Play Smash with your family because it’s a classic. Play Half Life and defend the world from aliens. And play League because you literally don’t have a social life to lose anymore. And might I suggest buying a VR set while you can? People used to criticize VR for distracting them from the real world, but now they’re missing out on all the shit they can’t experience from their houses.

7. With this current lockdown, everyone is now the “lofi beats to study/relax/chill to” girl, continuously listening to soft background music while writing down notes. Just a little thought for your sad boy hours.
Binge Watching. Hell yes. Now is the time. Binge watch whatever you wish. Although you’ll probably end up scrolling figuring out what to binge watch before turning off the TV. As a suggestion, binge watch Community before Ken Jeong graces our campus.

8. If the crunches aren’t enough for you, maybe it’s time to take a small risk and go jogging outside. But don’t worry, you can still be socially distant. Don’t wave to your neighbor, move away from any kids you see playing in the street, and whatever you do, don’t breathe in the potentially contaminated air. Hold it in until you come back home. You’re now safe and healthy.

9. Facebook, Twitter, and the other social media overlords are now your new best friends. The endless feed of “stay safe y’all” posts, conspiracy theories, and TikTok videos will keep you entertained until you die.

10. Remember to wash your hands before eating snacks. Pour the snacks into a bowl so you avoid spreading your germs within the bag. Better yet, pour the snacks directly into your mouth and avoid contaminating the bowl.

11. A bunch of books are available online via Duke libraries or your local library if you’re that bored.
Remember that Zoom is a pretty good method used to talk to people. Get familiar with it. Play around with the whiteboard. Don’t annotate during class though, because everyone can see it, as I learned from being banned during a class where I drew a dick on the teacher’s face.

12. Finally, if anytime is the best time to hibernate, it’s now. Get the sleep you never gave yourself as a student. Personally, I haven’t slept this well since I was 13 years old. If you’re feeling up to the challenge, eliminate naps from your daily schedule so you sleep much longer through the night. The days will pass by. And this will be all over soon.

March 2020

COVID-19 Action Plan Email

To the Duke Community,

I hope this message finds you well, but I suspect that–wherever you are–you are probably panicking about your loved ones, your insecure housing, and how you don’t have any income right now.

Here at Duke we are taking a lot of precautionary measures in response to the rapid spread of COVID-19. Here is the eight-stage plan our task force has instituted for the wellbeing of all members of our community:

1. Give international and FGLI students the opportunity to create their own mutual aid source.
2. Reply to any housing pleas with a “damn that’s crazy” automated response.
3. Euthanize all tenured professors.
4. Sell already price-gouged Duke brand surgical masks at the Duke Store.
5. Burn sage in all the dorms to cleanse them.
6. Extend Spring Break by another week so I have time to enjoy Miami.
7. Decrease campus population size by laying off most Duke workers.
8. Prepare East House to house quarantined individuals so that they might contract other various respiratory illnesses and die a little quicker so we can make more space.

We are working diligently and around the clock from 1-1:30pm with a lunch break each day to navigate this public health emergency. You can learn more about our efforts on

I might send an email tomorrow negating any and all of this information, but as we’ve said in every hourly email thus far, these sure are uncertain times!

Vincent E. Price

March 2020

Perkins, In Detail

Perkins, In Detail

West Campus has about 15 coffee shops, 32 swingy benches, and (I counted), exactly 846 chic, stylish study rooms, but sometimes there’s nothing quite like studying in a library. Or at the very least, scrolling Instagram while your textbook is open in front of you in a library. To help you decide exactly where to drop your bookbag, Department Of presents a detailed description of every area of The Link Perkins (I’m quarantined and sooooo bored, so fuck it let’s do the whole building).

Lower Level 2– Pike owns the sub-basement of Perkins. That’s the way it is, and that’s the way it has been since Perkins was built. Any time between 8 am and 10 pm, you can reliably find a group of several Pikes and a few APhis or Kappas with them. Anyone else who wants to study there either needs a wristband or needs to name three brothers they’ve done case interview prep with.

Stacks of Lower Level 2– People only ever come here with one purpose. Only after 2 am. Bring protection.

The Link– For arguably one of the most popular study spots on campus, The Link was designed with a horrendous color palette. Who decided maroon and orange go well together? I guess it doesn’t really matter, most people in The Link can’t see very well through their tears of stress and frustration. This is a great place to study all hours of the day, though beware after midnight the bathrooms close, so your next closest option is up a flight of stairs.

Service Desk– In my book, everyone who works here is a hero. They’ve got staplers, markers, IT help, and even chargers for everything, just ask whichever student behind the desk looks the most bored.

Group Study Rooms– Technically you’re supposed to reserve these, but no one ever does. That being said, “I actually have this room reserved for this time” is a great lie you can use to claim a large study room for just yourself. If the people in there are slow to move out, threatening to “pull up the email real quick” will be sure to make them move.

GS 1-4– The largest, nicest, most conveniently located study rooms, these are usually occupied by econ group project teams, larger friend groups, or official-looking meetings. Everyone writes on the whiteboard-walls. Most people erase their work when they’re done, except for STEM majors who leave complicated equations up on the wall to validate themselves intimidate impress the next people who use the room.

GS 5-7, 9-11– Of these six rooms, there will always be at least one (likely more) occupied by only one person. Probably GS 7. It is a fundamental law of nature. During peak hours, these rooms are most likely all occupied, but they make great study rooms and aren’t as elusive as the first four.

GS 8– Huge and hidden in a corner, GS 8 is actually open a surprising amount. Don’t be fooled though. After five minutes of making yourself comfortable there, a large club will inevitably come in and kick you out to have a meeting.

Classrooms and Seminar Rooms– I mean, pretty self-explanatory. I have nothing to add here.

First Floor– The vanilla floor. The manila envelope of floors. The first floor is to Perkins as Boston College is to the ACC. Actually, that’s not a fair analogy, at least some people like the first floor. This spot is popular for everyone who wants to avoid stairs (e.g. everyone), and people that don’t mind noise. As an added perk, there’s probably someone else studying here at the same time who’s struggling to get through their Math 122 problem set too.

Vondy– Officially called the Von der Heyden Pavilion, but nobody knows that, and you didn’t even realize that I wrote the wrong name. Vondy’s where you get three cups of coffee per day while writing a 10-page paper on the fourth floor. There’s never any open seating here during the day, so if you walk in trying to find a spot to study, you’ll quickly have to leave. Then, you’ll get social anxiety and worry that people think you’re weird because you walked right in then right out, so you cover your tracks by getting in line at the coffee shop. Of course, the baristas will think you’re weird unless you order something, so you get a hot tea or a cheesecake brownie. After doing this 8 times per week for two months, your food points disappear and you put on 15 pounds, but at least people don’t judge you for how you look for study spots!

Second floor– This floor of Perkins has nothing going for it. Sure, it’s pretty much the ideal study spot if you want an emptier but semi-social atmosphere, perfect for Greek life squads or group projects, but as far as second floors go, the Gothic Reading Room of Rubenstein reigns supreme. Regal and well-decorated, it’s probably the most beautiful study space on campus. They say studying in a nice-looking area is supposed to help with focus and productivity, but I always end up getting distracted and lost in the wrinkles of all the paintings of the old white men there.

Third floor– I won’t lie, I’ve never actually been to the third floor.

Fourth floor– Fourth floor Perkins regulars got mad at people who coughed before it was cool. The absolute silence study area is great if you really need to focus in and write the last 12 pages of a term paper you’ve pushed off until the last three hours before it’s due at midnight.

Honorable Mention: The Edge Bostock is like Perkins’s weird, unpopular little brother, and The Edge is like The Link’s confused, misfit cousin. That being said, the project rooms are pretty great, but again pretty much always all occupied. There is no reason to ever step foot in The Edge.