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november 2016

welcome back, readers. we are thrilled to try and provide some comedic relief as you venture back home to face your family’s opinion on the current political hellscape.

honest tour of duke
honest bookbagging
how to seem like you’re woke
a starbucks…story
excerpt from a duke nature documentary
confused professors

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Honest Tour of Duke

Welcome to Duke, eager band of high schoolers and helicopter parents! I will be your tour guide this afternoon. We’re so glad you’re visiting in November when exactly 12% of the student population feels something resembling happiness. Take a look around. Underneath every Patagonia jacket you see is the shell of a human, whimpering, Vitamin-D deficient, and in need of Thanksgiving break.  Until now, you have been blissfully unaware of this widespread anguish because our spiraling mental health is the one Countdown to Craziness Duke won’t make a hype video for. So follow me, and I’ll give you an honest tour of the Gothic Wonderland.

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Honest Bookbagging

Class Title: ECON 234 Practical Financial Economics (LEC)

Class Details:

Open

Session:
Units:
Instruction Mode: In person but all slides are put on Sakai so you’ll skip once or twice
Instructor: Wrote the textbook
Description: Basic economic concepts which you still don’t understand from AP Micro, such as demand and supply, market structures and pricing, market efficiency and equilibrium. Macroeconomic concepts such as inflation, unemployment, trade, economic growth and development that you could give a shit about and still don’t know how it’s different from micro. Emphasis on “public policy issues and the logic behind the economic way of thinking”, a line you will borrow during your finance interviews. Open to all students. Instructor: Staff
Textbook/other:
All students required to purchase newest edition of textbook, even though it will only be used a few times over the course of the semester. This is because it’s the best textbook out there and not due to conflicts of interest or royalties. Annoyingly enough, none of the problem set answers can be found on Yahoo! Answers.
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How to Seem Like You’re Woke

Are you looking for a way to remind your Facebook friends how woke you are? Has the election made you self-conscious of your privilege? We’ve compiled a list of ways you can show your PoC friends you care about them while also guaranteeing you a status with 100+ likes.

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A Starbucks… Story

Every day before work, I go to the Starbucks near my office and purchase a small black coffee. I tell them my name, and every single time without fail I get back my coffee with the name “Saladin” written on it. My name isn’t Saladin, it’s Sam. The first time this happened I wrote it off as a mistake. It is entirely plausible that the barista confused my name with the famed 12th century Arabian sultan Saladin, but the sixth or seventh time it happened I realized something was up.

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Excerpt from a Duke Nature Documentary

As November passes us by, the days have grown shorter, the weather colder, and the lattes have turned from pumpkin spice to peppermint. This year is special though. We are lucky enough to witness the emergence above-ground of Trump supporters from their respective frats.

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Confused Professors

White male professors everywhere have taken the past two weeks to recover from cases of extreme bewilderment.  Their debilitating confusion first struck after the sharp increase in absences on the day following the election of a literal fascist.