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HALLOWEEN 2016: GUESS WHO?

After years of being drowned out by the incessant mind-numbing chatter of the brutish children at Duke, we, the ghosts of Duke’s comedic past have hacked into Department Of’s accounts to give you a taste of our glory days. May we all rest in peace.

 

 

 

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oct 2016

MDGAA

we have arisen from the non-existent ashes to bring you this year’s first issue of department of. Please feel free to view our masthead and order department of merchandise.

without further ado:

Separated At Birth
Duke Obituaries : Fall 2016
Is Ann Coulter an Afghan Hound? : A Mathematical Proof
Displaced DSigs
What You Missed: A Recap of a Durham Summer
WEST UNION FEATURES EXCLUSIVE
Would you swipe right?
How to Eat Alone in Public
M.A.S.H.

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Separated at Birth?

As we ponder the intricacies of string theory and the multiverse, we find ourselves consumed and utterly mesmerized by the duality in nature. I was watching the 1979 American classic “The Jerk” when I realized David Rubenstein could just as easily have been cast as Navin Johnson, a young white man who believed he was born a poor black child in Mississippi. I flipped between their photos, Steve Martin and David Rubenstein. Steve Martin. David Rubenstein. Both born into the zodiac sign of the Leo just shy of 5 years apart? Could it be? The chair of the Board of Trustees was actually Steve Martin? After 6 months of research I present to you many more cases like this at the highest echelons of Duke administration and faculty. Are they twins? Triplets? Were they torn from parallel universes forced into one timeline? You decide.

 

brothers martin and rubenstein
Duke Trustee, David Rubenstein and comedian Steve Martin
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Duke Obituaries Fall 2016

Red Solo Cup- Red Solo Cup passed away this Sunday morning after being deposited in the trash by Sigma Nu brother Jonah Goldberg, who eulogized the scarlet cylinder with just a single sentence: “Last night was pretty fucking lit.”

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Is Ann Coulter an Afghan Hound? : A Mathematical Proof

mathematical proof

Given :

(a) Ann Coulter walks on four legs and shits on anything that doesn’t look like her
(b) Afghan Hounds are dogs

Prove :

Ann Coulter is an Afghan Hound, where (a) = (b)

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Displaced DSigs

What began as a cry of victory for the likes of those who occupied the bench in protest last spring has now turned into the stunned silence of pity. Displaced DSigs have been spotted all over campus, doing just what they had always done before: sitting shirtless.

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What You Missed: A Recap of a Durham Summer

As classes came to an end this past May, the majority of Duke students fled from campus in droves, escaping the suffocating humidity and their questionable LDOC choices. Contrary to popular belief, Durham continues to be a place, even without first years hurling in the streets at 2 AM on Saturdays. So, while you were traveling to former colonies to rebrand your instagram for a few months or interning at a financial institution that regularly engineers financial crises, the Department Of team was investigating just what happens in Durham during the summer. Here are our findings:

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West Union Features: EXCLUSIVE

By now, you’ve probably noticed the towering glass testament to our tuition hikes that has finally opened. Just last year it was an eye sore of blue tarp and cranes, and now it has blossomed into an eye sore of absurd prices and class antagonism.

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Would You Swipe Right?

If Duke Admins. had Tinder accounts

 

Larry Moneta

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How To Eat Alone In Public

 

We’ve all been there before. Your friends are busy reminiscing over their weekend at Common Ground and your butthole can’t take one more round of Dragon Gate. It’s time to do the stride of pride into West Union alone. You consider getting your food to-go, but your crazy environmentalist hallmate, Cathy, practically jumped you with your own disposable knife the last time she caught you eating from a plastic container. But fear not! Follow these simple steps and you too can eat in public without buying two plates of food for your “friend” who’s “in the bathroom”.