Op-ed: Effortless Production

Entering my first year here at Duke, I soon realized that being a Blue Devil was accompanied by more than just learning from Nobel Laureates and winning NCAA  championships. After all, the expectations here at our Top-8 University are enormous, and they allow for little variation. At a prestigious university like Duke, it seems that no student can avoid the myth of effortless production.

My life at Duke is unbearably stressful. Between constant op-ed’s, Facebook profile picture changes, and explanations of how each of my publications is the “authentic voice on campus,” it’s exhausting keeping it all together.


Duke Dictionary

bmepremed (adjective)
half of every freshman class; roughly 2% of every graduating class.
Always said as one word.
“Please. I can’t go out tonight. I’m bmepremed.”



The People You Find on a College Facebook Group

The DJ: As a young white male from the suburbs of a pretty big city, this student was inspired to craft the most delicate and whimsical drops of the bass after listening to one Swedish Mafia track. The DJ wants everyone to “check out [his] mixtape, fam.” This kid has not only posted a link to his Soundcloud on every related university page but is now messaging you personally to ask if you’d be able to share on your profile so that you and your loved ones can gain exposure to the purest form of music.

Stat101 Student: The human equivalent of a YouTube ad, this student doesn’t have a statistically significant number of friends and honestly needs you to fill out this survey.


Freshman Meal Plan

Hello, Duke freshman! We’re still getting questions about how the first year meal plan works. We hope this simple explanation sets the record straight. Happy eating!


Weekday Breakfast:

Every freshman is guaranteed a weekday breakfast swipe at Marketplace (MP), our premier dining location. Here’s how it works:

  • If you were born January-June, you may swipe into MP during the following hours: 7:45-9:18, 10:52-11:00.
  • If you were born July-December, you may swipe into MP during these hours: 7:00-7:44, 9:19-10:51.
  • Remember, you can skip weekday breakfast to get your “equivalency” money to spend towards lunch.
    • If you have blue eyes and are shorter than 5’ 11”, you get $2.58 on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday; Wednesday and Friday, you get $0.50.
    • If you have brown eyes and are shorter than 5’ 8”, you get 75% of the figures above on even dates and 25% the above figures on odd dates.
    • Students with all other eye color / height combinations will receive food at the discretion of individual MP workers. All judgments are final.

The Unknown Truth Behind “Countdown to Craziness”

Anthropologists once again are stunned by a phenomenon found in North Carolina. More specifically, in the city of Durham. More specifically, on the campus of Duke University. Various anthropologists traveled to Duke’s campus in the hopes of finding out what lies behind one of the most unexplainable events in human history.

The “Countdown to Craziness” ceremony that takes place on Duke’s campus is a modern marvel. Over the years, researchers have observed that hundreds and thousands of people travel to Cameron Indoor Stadium, simply known as “Cameron” to most, to pay tribute to the sport of basketball. But after close observation, there is something beneath the surface. Over the past few years, anthropologists have observed these so called “fans” go in as their normal selves and exit in a mentally altered state.


Online Petition

Kate. Larry. Mindy. Nicholas. Odette. Peter. Rose. What do these names have in common? They’re all intense tropical weather systems with well defined circulation and maximum sustained winds of 74 miles per hour or higher. In other words, they’re hurricanes. They’re the next seven names in line after Joaquin. Notice anything funny about them?

They’re all white, normative hurricanes.


Loaned and Lost

O, all these things
I’ve loaned and lost;
Borrowed them out
At such a cumulative cost

Thenceforth absent,
Never forgotten.
Leased to be lifted;
Left heartbroken

That pencil I gave to the
Cute neighbor in class,
O, and the ten others
To others who lacked


Global Health Email Update


To: Everyone who was within a five mile radius of the Activities Fair

Global Health Weekly Newsletter

Hey guys!

Here’s the weekly newsletter of Duke’s premiere global health club, “Blue Devils That Care About Global Health Around The Globe For Sick People” (or “BDTCAGHATGFSP” for short).


The Diary of a Craven Cockroach

Dear diary,

I give up – no one wants to be my friend. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I try to interact with people in the common room and no matter what I do get smacked. I scurry as fast as I can to greet them with a smile? Smacked. I make cute chirping noises? Definitely smacked. Sitting still in the corner? Believe it or not, I get smacked.

CarlRoach told me I’m a weirdo, but I don’t think there’s anything strange about a sentient beetle trying to bond with undergraduates. I just want to have someone I can lurk in shower drains with, you know? Someone who wants to dart between rickety desks with me. I really don’t think we’re so different. They do ab workouts, and I have an abdomen. They tent, and I live and sleep unprotected from the elements at the mercy of random sophomores. They eat at Grace’s, and I eat garbage.