Rubenstein’s Daily Agenda

SEPTEMBER 29, 2015

6:00 a.m. Morning walk

  • Get around to listening to first episode of Serial

The GOP Candidates Run for Young Trustee

Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen of Duke University, welcome. I’m Chief Principal Executive Moderator of the DSG Electoral system. It’s on my resume. And these robes are “business casual.” We’re gathered here to listen to a select few of your nominees for Young Trustee. I’d like to remind you all that there is no videorecording permitted during the debate with the exception of cleverly captioned Snapchats. Let’s get right into it. Candidates, please briefly introduce yourselves.


Privilege Walk

Take a step forward if you used Charmin ultra-soft toilet paper growing up.

Take a step backward if your home growing up looked like the apocalyptic wastelands they use in Febreze ads.

Take 300 steps forward if you’re wearing nantucket red shorts.


ACES / STORM Frequently Asked Questions

What is ACES?
ACES is the student portal of the Duke University information system. You will use it to bookbag classes, check graduation requirements, and maintain a common enemy with your peers.


Banking Security Questions

Name: Gandalf the Grey
Date of Birth: Before the beginning of First Age and the Shaping of Arda


Tips for Becoming a Campus Celebrity

  • Anonymously contribute to a fledgling campus publication.

Duke Tinder

The Bro
The Bro


What I Say in Networking Sessions and Interviews:

What I Mean in Networking Sessions and Interviews:

“I’m fascinated by the dynamic nature of interdisciplinary pursuits.”

“I went to the Career Center once to use the bathroom.”

“I’m an avid reader. I just finished Infinite Jest, and I really find that its effulgence is undermined by its tedium.”

“I have heard of Infinite Jest.”

“I’m great with people. I excel at engaging people in conversation.”

“I am having trouble engaging in this conversation.”

“I have expert knowledge with Excel.”

“I’m 20 years old and I possess a computer.”

“I have expert knowledge of social media.”

“I’m 20 years old and I possess a computer and 924 fake friends.”

“His values and mine don’t align, but I was able to overcome our differences and move forward with our goal.”

“He peed on the floor of our common room and I had to clean it up.”

“I’m familiar with the typical college social scene and have no problem navigating it.”

“I have consumed Aristokrat vodka while sitting on the floor of a taxi.”

“One of my peers…”

“Someone whose tongue has been in my mouth.”

“One of my co-workers…”

“Someone I met at this event ten minutes ago.”

“One of my co-peers…”

“I have been drinking.”

“My professional experience is comprehensive and transcendent.”

“I have a LinkedIn.”


36 I Ask Myself to Fall in Love with Anyone

1. Does his backpack say swim and dive? ‘Cause his ass sure does…

2. How long can I follow him before he notices?

3. What if he’s walking to Edens?