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DDO Issues February 2021

February 2021

FEBRUARY 2021

Marriage Pact Couple Spotted Consummating New Relationship on Bryan Center Bench!

Let’s use this year to fix K-ville: part 2

From Sappho to Siwa: An Ode to JoJo

The Armie Hammers of Duke

Positive Affirmations for the Inevitable COVID-19 Campus Lockdown

EvAnth Department Advises Duke on COVID Response, Proposes Pilot “FUCK IT” Program

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February 2021

Marriage Pact Couple Spotted Consummating New Relationship on Bryan Center Bench!

BREAKING! Your Marriage Pact match was your ex. Or maybe your match was really hot, but they left you on read after you sent them a pickup line about the French Revolution. Either way, they sucked. 

Unfortunately, not all of us were so unlucky. Earlier this week, our source spotted a couple sporting “I’M WITH STUPID” and “I’M STUPID” tees, uh, occupying a bench in the Bryan Center…and they were definitely not six feet apart (if you catch my drift). When I asked how our source knew that couple had discovered one another through the matchmaking service, he said that he recognized their lustful look–those big, round honeymoon-phase eyes tinged slightly with future regret, reserved only for Shooter’s hookups and, apparently, ideal future spouses (?)

Now, here at Dept. Of, we try our best not to pass judgement. I’m all for being with the person you want to be with. But…in the Bryan Center? Really? I mean, if the smell of Panda Express is what gets you in the mood…but couldn’t you have just walked to your dorm…or, like, snuck into the Gardens?

The culprits’ identities remain a mystery because, well, no one wants to look at that security footage (and can you blame them?!). However, our source did want me to tell our readers that he did report the incident to whoever’s in charge of that type of thing and that the benches are being removed for a very thorough cleaning. So maybe it’s not such a bad thing you have to stand up while you eat your grilled cheese from The Loop–I know I won’t look at that neon-colored pleather the same way ever again.

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February 2021

Let’s use this year to fix K-ville: Part 2

Covid has left many gaping voids in all of our lives. Duke students are missing Shooters, cheering for an above .500 basketball team, getting distracted in class by staring at their crushes in person rather than over zoom, and generally just having a positive outlook on life. All of these things, and so much more, are gone. Someone please help me, I’m not having fun. 

For a large contingent of Cameron Crazies, the most obvious thing missing this Spring semester are the hours spent tenting in K-ville. I miss every cold, wet, uncomfortable moment spent cursing out the line monitors. 

Speaking of those power-trippers, recent graduate and former line monitor Charlie Gelman released an article criticizing huge parts of their tenting process. Anyone out of the loop can read it here: http://charliegel.github.io/. This was a crazy article, where Charlie talked about his own experiences and released INTERNAL line mumbler data to roast the ineptitude of the system. Some are praising him as the Edward Snowden of tenting. Still others are saying, “who is Charlie Gelman?”

Charlie talked about a lot of things, including how their rush process is more of a popularity contest than about being a Crazie, how the average line moniker spends less time in K-ville per tenting season than the average white tenter (🤢 🤢), and how they do not get punished for doing less than their minimum required hours. 

Luckily, Department Of has infiltrated the ranks of the line leaders, and we have compiled a list of all of the rest of their most scandalous internal practices.

  1. Gelman’s article said the average line licker spends only 7 hours per week in K-ville (compared to 36 for black tenters, 20 for blue, and 11 for white). However, they spend a whole 13 hours per week just staring at themselves in the mirror with those gameday striped overalls on! Think about all that time that could be instead spent terrorizing the study tent. 
  2. The article says that line manglers who fail to meet internal requirements actually face no consequences and can still go to the UNC game. This is false. While they are allowed to go to the game, afterwards, Crazy Towel Guy gets to spank them with a ruler once for every requirement they missed. You can decide for yourself whether this is a punishment or actually a reward.
  3. Charlie also ran the numbers and found that the average line laborer actually does the minimum amount of work required of them. Sure, several of them love K-ville and go above and beyond, but on average they try to just scrape by. This checks out, since the average line laborer is also a Polisci major. 
  4. He also talks about their 2am test: during the line lagger application process, they ask themselves “would I like to run a 2am check with this person,” making the application a popularity contest rather than about commitment to K-ville and Duke basketball. However, he failed to mention their 3am test: they also ask themselves, “after the 2am tent check, would I want this person to join me in our 3am cult ritual of sacrificing a virgin (BME major) while doing satanic chants?”
  5. Speaking of low commitment to Duke basketball, most lick leaders, the ones who are supposed to be the stewards of K-ville and the most rabid basketball fans, cannot even spell Kyrwezzewyski. They also still tie their shoes with the bunny ears method and haven’t figured out how to walk and chew gum at the same time. 

Of course, all of the head line monitors and VP’s of tenting read Charlie Gelman’s article. Once they saw his well-articulated arguments supported by compelling statistics and anecdotes, they realized they had an issue and started making changes to improve the line leaders and make tenting a more equitable system.

Ha! Of course they didn’t! Why would they change a system that gives them all the power and doesn’t make them do any work? Nothing has changed. It’s like 2008 all over again, except worse; I would rather live in a country where 1% of bankers own 99% of the nation’s wealth than at a University where line lickers spend less time in K-ville than white tenters.  Luckily, I get to do both!

Clearly, the LM system is rife with issues that may be difficult to fix. Now comes the time where I have to get political and make statements regarding the two most important issues facing our country: make the line monitors tent, and legalize recreational cocaine!

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February 2021

From Sappho to Siwa: An Ode to JoJo

From ancient Greece reigned Sappho,
Lyrical lesbian, poet extrodinare
Wooing women with poems, with violets
With just a twirl of her long, brown hair.

But Sappho’s poems were fragmented and old
Unfit for the readers of today,
The lesbians needed someone new, someone bold
A fresh icon to sweep them all away. 

TikTok saw her sing “Born this way,”
And met her with a chorus of “hey mamas”
She refuted with a post to say “I’m taken,”
Confessing her love of her (one-month) girlfriend for the drama.

A new force for the (L)GBT,
JoJo Siwa came (out) onto the scene.
With a bow-adorned high ponytail swinging,
Jojo exuded both power and a new beginning.

This is an ode to you, dear JoJo
May you live and love happily as you tote the (rain)bow.

Cheers! To the newest d*ke on the scene,
And all hail our new lyrical lesbian queen!

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February 2021

The Armie Hammers of Duke

“I am 100% a cannibal.”

“Fuck. That’s scary to admit b”

“I’ve never admitted that before.”

On January 10th, 2021, those words were the shots heard around the world. The dramatic and utterly bizarre revelation that Armie Hammer could potentially be a cannibal? I couldn’t believe it. He was cookie-cutter Hollywood.

Yet, as I began connecting the dots, it all started to sound somewhat plausible. The Call Me By Your Name press tour moment when Hammer revealed that his poor Italian skills led him to accidentally order a completely raw steak (that he ate anyway out of embarrassment)? His known tendency to DM models on Instagram and unfollow them if they ignored him? Hammer’s self-proclaimed “feral” upbringing in the Cayman Islands where he contracted ringworm, not once, but four times? What previously seemed quirky anecdotes of an actor who’s “not like other A-listers” (B-listers?) started to feel like pieces of a sinister puzzle.

I asked myself: could there be Armie Hammers at Duke? Could cannibalism be a legitimate kink that the men of my dating pool were just not ready to admit? I thought back to every interaction I’ve ever had with a cis-het white male Duke student. 

Could it be the DSig boy I hooked up with freshman year? Despite his generic frat bro exterior, he seemed way too turned on when he bit my lip and accidentally drew blood. Or perhaps my current boyfriend, who eats his steaks far too rare for my taste? Either way, I’ve assembled a definitive guide to where you can find the Armie Hammers of Duke.

  1. JB’s Roasts and Chops: Have you ever ordered the flank steak from JB’s? Or maybe, in pre-COVID times, ordered one of the actual steaks? If so, you’ve noticed that they always come out entirely too bloody. If you spot a man eating one of these, you should be more than wary of just what else he might have a taste for.
  2. The Old Trinity Club and the Trident Society: We may only think about Duke’s secret societies a few times a year — normally when they’re standing in their sunglasses and robes on the quad by Perkins — but it’s worth bringing them up now. Hammer is rumoured to be part of an Eyes Wide Shut-style underground sex society. Old money, status, and influence…that’s an incubator for cannibalism fantasies if I’ve ever seen one.
  3. EVANTH 333L – The Human Body: What cannibal wouldn’t relish at the chance to dissect a cadaver? You can actually do that in this lab-based class that explores “gross anatomy from a functional and evolutionary perspective”. No wonder the lab is always missing some specimens.Want to get closer to the human body? Just be a pre-med student. 
  4. Literally any fraternity event ever: There’s no better place to find men that are more than willing to take advantage of a vulnerable woman both physically and emotionally than at an IFC event (especially one off-campus). If there are any morally-questionable, privileged men who have drifted into the realm of cannibalistic fantasy, they’re almost certainly in a frat.

Fine, let’s be real. There are (most likely) no Armie Hammers at Duke. Hammer has already been dropped by his publicist and his agency, as well as fired from his most recent projects. Here at Duke though, there’s no such thing as consequences for men who hurt women, whether physically or emotionally. 

But there are Armie Hammers in another sense. Cannibal aside, there’s a 95% chance that Hammer is an awful person who has been, at the least, emotionally abusive to his past partners. There’s also a 100% chance that the LA Times was forced to kill a recently planned exposé on Hammer and some other shitty men in Hollywood. Hammer will eventually walk away from these allegations, returning to his life as an old money man in a too-forgiving world. Sounds a lot like the outcome of any Duke sexual assault investigation.

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February 2021

Positive Affirmations for the Inevitable COVID-19 Campus Lockdown

  • You deserve to slow down and take a deep breath. It will of course only fog up your glasses since you’re wearing a mask and cause you more stress, but still, you deserve it.
  • Treat yourself! Drink that extra cup of coffee or whatever will keep you conscious nowadays.
  • Remember that during quarantine, Isaac Newton helped to develop calculus. You can’t do that, but you can do your calc worksheets!
  • Don’t worry so much – what good has worry done for you other than keeping you safe in your dorm at all times?
  • If you’re lonely, remember your loved ones. They have been and will always be just a severely technologically disastrous Zoom call away! You might never see them again, actually!
  • Remember that you have the power to change your routine every day! Browse YouTube instead of TikTok!
  • Wherever you are, no matter what you’re going through, we’re in this together. Unless you’re doing better than me, of course.
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February 2021

EvAnth Department Advises Duke on COVID Response, Proposes Pilot “FUCK IT” Program

           A few weeks ago, our favorite Marriage Pact couple Mary Pat McMahon and Gary Bennett gave us advice on how to better prevent the spread of the virus on campus. It was insightful, down-to-earth, incredibly poorly edited, overly dramatic, and straight up cute. But cute doesn’t cut it. In the end, students will do what they want to do. Drastic measures (not two masks — that’s just extra) must be taken.

           Recently, Department Of learned that campus administration has contacted the Evolutionary Anthropology Department for help on how to deal with this matter. When asked why, the administration stated that they believe the EvAnth department has valuable scientific insights on the historical spread of diseases and human adaptation to past pandemics. We have no idea what that means either, but an insider from Duke administration (who chose not to be named, but we’ll call them Lary Vennett) revealed that their plan was simple:

           “The Evolutionary Anthropology department told us to start giving all students and faculty a personal health kit, which they call the Fool-proof Unanticipated Coronavirus response pacKage for Intense siTuations, aka FUCK IT. Basically, if people don’t want to follow guidelines, FUCK IT. We’ll let natural selection do its thing.” Department Of has gained exclusive knowledge that the FUCK IT kit comes with a leftover oxygen mask from the airport, hand sanitizer that kills 69% of bacteria, and a legal notice preventing coronavirus from entering one’s body. The plan is now facing final peer review from the board of trustees before the FUCK IT kits are manufactured for Duke students.

Categories
DDO Issues October 2020

October 2020

OCTOBER 2020

Gallup Poll: How Duke students are voting this November

Top Reasons Why You Should Commit Voter Fraud this Election, and Our Handy How-to Guide

Duke Students as Contestants on The Bachelorette

What Your Favorite Halloween Candy Says About You

Why I Would Make a Better Supreme Court Justice Nominee than Amy Coney Barrett

Duke Specific Halloween Costumes

A Memoir from a Mask’s Diary: Halloween Night

President Price to Kiss All Students Due to Major Change to Duke Compact

How Much is Half a Semester?: A Research Inquiry

Categories
October 2020

Gallup Poll: How Duke students are voting this November

Between DukeEngage and the myriad of “service learning” opportunities peddled on campus, it’s clear that Duke loves entrusting its (not-at-all qualified) students to be great change-makers in the world’s (and Durham’s) vulnerable communities. The most recent scheme? Letting a statistically-significant sample of undergraduates, with various majors and backgrounds represented, decide the 2020 election. 

We wanted to hear how Duke students are voting, so we conducted some interviews to find out:

Facebook offer comp sci sellout:

“I know I’m going to get a lot of hate for this, but I’m voting for Trump. Tell me you’ve seen the way AOC and those other left-wingers tried to destroy Mark Zuckerberg. So uncool and disrespectful. I’m totally a Democrat, but the current “Democrats” in the House are basically communists. What happened to respecting free speech and the fundamental right to big data? Plus, I want a president who will respect my right as a future-software-engineer to create a platform that refuses to censor right-wing extremist groups. But if anyone asks, I’m voting for Jo Jorgensen.”

McKinsey offer pub pol sellout:

“Obviously I’m voting for Biden—what kind of question is that? Honestly, I was into Bloomberg, but Biden was a strong second choice. If there’s anything I learned in my four years of public policy curriculum, it’s the importance of meticulously-structured, perfectly objective, solutions to promote incremental change, leveraging the stakeholders who have the most education and experience as executives. I mean why else do you think I took my job with McKinsey? I’ll make way more of a social impact than I ever could working for some small non-profit.”

The girl in your class whose abroad semester got cancelled:

“Look, this is a really sensitive topic for me, but I think I’m going to have to go with Trump. This is entirely selfish, but I honestly think that Biden would close all our borders and forbid Americans from any international travel. I already had to have my semester in Madrid cancelled, effectively barring me from the life-changing abroad experience. My parents are giving me a summer trip to Europe out of pity, and I’m not going to sacrifice that just because of some scary Supreme Court nomination.”

Socially liberal, fiscally conservative econ major:

“Jo Jorgensen.”

“Woke” sorority girl:

“I am so proud to vote Kamala Harris for president. Yes, I know she’s just the running mate, but we all know she’ll do the governing. She is such a girlboss, like I’m just obsessed with her. And even though she was a career prosecutor, I think it just shows what a great leader she is. Like, I totally understand how much it can suck to be the “bad guy” or the one who upholds “laws.” In rush last year, I had to cut a bunch of girls that I really, really liked, because even though they’re from Fairfield County, they went to public school, you know? Anyways, I just want to underscore the importance of voting—remember, your vote is for every woman out there; we’re all sisters… It’s what RBG would’ve wanted; rest in power. (aside) And can you take a picture with me to post on Insta show how much I just care about democracy? Thanks! Love you so much!”

Self righteous campus activist:

“Oh, me? I’m not voting…Uh huh, yup, you heard me right. Both candidates are old, pathetic, corporate, white men. Neither of them care a bit about police brutality, race relations, women, or people’s lives. I wanted Bernie, but the party forced him out just like in 2016 to further their neo-liberal agenda. This whole thing is a sham. The only way out is through a true revolution, but until then, I refuse to support anyone who’s willing to compromise with a capitalist system. In fact, fuck anyone who benefits from capitalism to begin with!…Yes, I’m receiving an endowed merit scholarship—why do you ask?”

So, do you think this is better or worse than the electoral college?

We aren’t sure either, but there’s one thing department of is sure of: Don’t just trust your fellow Duke students to make decisions for you; go vote.

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October 2020

Top Reasons Why You Should Commit Voter Fraud this Election, and Our Handy How-to Guide

         In an impassioned plea this summer, Coach K got in front of a camera and urged anyone who was watching to go out and vote in the upcoming election. He said, “voting is the great equalizer. When we vote, we’re all equal.”

         It’s a great message. If we ignore the fact that every vote in Wyoming counts for three votes in California, it’s true! When we vote, we all count equally.

         So I’m proud to say that I count for five people.

         That’s right, I’m voting five times in this coming election. Now, I know you must have some questions, like “isn’t that voter fraud?” “is that illegal?” “could you go to jail for that?” As it turns out, the answers are “Yes,” “a felony, actually,” and “absolutely!”

         Not that you need any more convincing, but here are several more reasons why you too should commit voter fraud this election cycle.

  1. Between Covid, the supreme court seat, riots on the streets, and any number of other factors, this is undoubtedly one of the most important elections of our lifetime. You have a chance to make a significant difference if and only if you vote several times.
  1. You don’t want your grandparents voting with all their antiquated ideas and inability to use Zoom. Instead, tell them that the election has been pushed back one week to November 10th, then go and vote in their place.
  1. Support the post office! The more mail-in ballots you send in, the more you’re supporting your local USPS branches!
  1. Since voter fraud is technically a felony, you (probably hopefully) get to lower your Rice Purity Score.
  1. One free pen every time you vote in person!
  1. Everyone’s doing it. You’re actually putting yourself at a disadvantage and underrepresenting yourself if you don’t.
  1. Everyone’s doing it. Like, all the cool kids are doing it. Peer pressure.
  1. You can bet on both sides, so you always come out on top. Look… I’m not saying vote for Trump, but, if you do have five ballots to cast… seems like a shame to always vote for the same people.
  1. You can help even out the electoral college. One vote in the presidential election in Wyoming is roughly three times as valuable as one vote in North Carolina. The easy solution? Vote three times!

The best way to vote several times:

         As you’ve surely heard from that ad with Obama on YouTube, it’s crucial to make a plan to vote. Here is mine. Hopefully, you have enough time to follow along yourself:

  1. I requested a mail-in ballot from my home state of Virginia, from the address I had when I was in high school.
  2. I requested a mail-in ballot from my freshman year dorm. I picked it up from my mailbox and sent it in.
  3. Since my parents moved once I went to college, my new Virginia address is different. I drove up one weekend and voted early, in person.
  4. I voted early with my sophomore year address at the Karsh alumni center.
  5. I will vote in person on election day at a local Durham polling place with my current address.

         MOST IMPORTANTLY, I never took an “I voted” sticker. The government puts microchips in those to track you and keep voter records.

         If you use a different, legitimate address every time, they’re never going to find out. What’s the government going to do, cross reference your name with every other voter? Don’t be ridiculous. They can’t even make you show up for jury duty.

         In the absolute worst-case scenario, just tell the government official that tries to arrest you for voting multiple times that you just forgot, or you thought that the early voting site was just for practice. Cops tend to be pretty understanding and forgiving.

… This article might get me in trouble.